So, I guess I don't really know what I'm about to start posting, but here goes...

I guess I want to start by saying my life is becoming a mess. A bitter mess that I no longer control. Can I control it??? yeah probably. Do I want to??? Yes and no. Truth of the matter is, it's become an addiction. To have a truly messed up life. I don't remember what I've said in previous posts, but since my last "boyfriend" and I parted ways, I've been... well to put it plainly... screwed up. here's a couple of my biggest fears in life...
1. Spiders
2. Being wrong
3. Being so incredibly stubborn that no one can ever get close because I won't let them.
4. Being replaced
Maybe someone out there can relate to even 1 of these fears... Some of you may think I'm ridiculous for having Spiders on that list. but I tell you they are out for my blood I tell you. but k, I guess your wondering what my biggest fears have to do with being screwed up eh??? well here's the thing... When we split. I was the one that ended it. After it ended, I hated myself for it for a long time. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me. Why did I let him go??? Well now I can look back and say, yes, he was definitely part of the best thing that ever happened to me. And I truly believe God put him in my life. I think God knew I was so stubborn that I needed some serious drama to get my brain thinking and dealing with issues that needed to be dealt with. Did God want me to go through something that would screw me up??? No. He knew I needed help and He gave it to me. the problem was that I dealt with everything wrong. I let myself get more attached then I should have. I let fear get in the way of fully dealing with it, and the devil came in and messed up something meant for good, and pushed it to add some evil. ok...
fear 3.... me being stubborn... well, I've generally been a difficult case to crack. I trust well, but if you want to get past the initial layer of trust into me letting go and being with someone... it takes alot... thats where we ended. he was getting through, and it freaked me out. and I let him go.. Do I regret letting him go??? No, well ok, in all honesty, a little bit. I know it's a good thing we're done, but that doesn't mean I don't regret it just a bit. But mostly, I regret the way it all happened, I let him go because I freaked, not because I knew things wouldn't work.
Probably my biggest fear, is number 4. Now when I say 4... truth of the matter is... it is my biggest fear. Being replaced. Now I know they say "you are irreplaceable" and "there will never be anyone like you" but when you've moved so many times and seen your best friends get new best friends and continue on with their life... it's hard to feel like your truly irreplaceable. I know, I know, I'm one of a kind, and to many people I'm special. But how many can truly say they will never love someone as much as they do me. And yes, I'm aware of the fact that it makes me super selfish to want to be loved like no one else. Now here's the thing, if you've got a best friend... I don't want to be your best friend. I want to be one of your good friends. But I want a special place in your life. Now, here's where the screwed up part of everything comes into play... when I terminated our relationship... it was December.. I felt like a jerk, I felt torn apart, and I was wounded. I tried to forgive myself, but it was super difficult. but by August, He'd found himself a beautiful blonde. Everything I heard about her reminded me of myself. Loved by everyone, loves similar things I love. if anyone could fill my shoes... she had done it. In every way imaginable... Another girl came to the school, and now I wasn't there because I was in a different country for the year. and this other girl was also very much like me. those I was closest to, became her good friends. If anyone could replace me... she would do it.
Now I know, this probably sounds like a whiner rambling on about how much her life sucks... well you know. it does. But who's fault is that??? my ex??? my friends??? the ex's gf??? the new girl in town??? No... alas I have no one to blame but myself. my world is spinning out of my control. But all I have to do is smarten up.
Here's my life as of now... do my hw??? yeah, on time I guess. spare time??? Star Trek. relationship status??? leading the boys on, desperate to be loved and come out as anything but the loser from my last relationship. friendship status??? I've found a best friend. One that needs me, One that I need. Someone that won't replace me so easy, and one that things I'm ridiculous. Spiritual Status??? well how many times did you hear me talking about relying on my faith??? on my God??? yeah, once, and that was when I was talking about the past. truth of the matter is... I know He can figure out how to smarten me up. but I also know He's not going to just respond to my whims, and let me keep sliding through life uneccessarily... My life in relative terms, is not so bad. But it could me much better, if I smartened up and let go of my addiction to being miserable. if I let go of the pity parties and woe is me's...