Hey guys, wow it's been awhile eh?
Life has become chaotic and scattered thats for sure, well let me try and catch you up on some of the awesome things that have been going on!

Well First you got a brief overview of my trip to Mongolia. Sadly I believe thats about all you will hear about Mongolia. I will try to get my schedule figured out so I can spend some time each week working on the blog and maybe one week I will have nothing more to do and can go back to more about Mongolia :)

This summer when I got back from Mongolia, I went back to work. Here's where I get to tell you about my new job. Started working as an Independent Sales Representative for Vector Marketing. Weird eh??? Pretty sure the 1 place I would never have thought I'd work... Marketing... as in... Sales... But seriously, I love my job. I don't know if you guys have heard of Cutco or not, but I get paid to show people the best product in the world, and work with some of the best people.
So what is this job??? Well Cutco is a brand of high quality kitchen cutlery. (Seriously look it up, book a demo with me! I'll tell you all about it, just shoot me an email @ knifegirlkim@gmail.com ;) get paid per demo so I'd love to chat, otherwise we've got a website but I can get you better deals than the website so talk to me first ) (Sales pitch of the day)

But here's the cool part, I'm doing alright selling knives, it's going pretty good really... definitely not the top and not putting as much work into it as I should... but my manager is awesome, and he pushes me, reminding me to make the calls, get the job done, and just rock it. Awesome right? Totally. It's not about the knives, it's about the lives. One thing I'm learning... Dream big, no one cares where your at, it's all about where you will be in 5 years... 10 years... 50 years... No I'm not saying what you do now doesn't matter because you won't be there in 5, 10, 50 years... but that's just the point! Where are you now? Do you like where your at? Probably not. I mean I'm sure there are many people content with where they're at. But are they truly happy about it? Is there something you wish you could change? More money, More friends, more peace, less chaos, less worry? Is your life exactly where you want it to be? When you look ahead in your life 5,10,50 years... would you be happy where you're at? Probably not. I mean people can only do the same thing so long... even if it seems great, we all know it could be better. So what are you doing to make yourself better?
Working @Vector I've come to realize there are so many people who honestly believe their is no room for growth, and even if they wanted it... it's not possible. This is life and thats all there is to it. But guys, there is so much more. And I know... many people are probably reading this saying... "oh no here she goes off her rocker again..." maybe your right... But seriously, it doesn't matter who you are, what you believe, whats going on in your life... You should never stop growing... Never stop being better than who you are now.
Here's the bad news though... It's going to be a long and painful process... becoming better and changing is never easy... First their's social influences... "Why are you different, You don't do this anymore, whats going on" and really... wouldn't life be easier if you just didn't have to answer questions...??? Truth. But the people who ask, they care, and when they see your happy... trust me... Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind. Let the ones that mind leave... God puts so many people in your life... but He puts them in your life at the level your at. If someone wants to stay in your life... make sure they work for it. Don't ditch them for something better... but don't let them keep you from being the person God intends you to be either....

So, I'll try and have a run through of my trip to Mongolia, but so far class and work and catching up has been a priority, but for my class we did have to do a write up for a newsletter that the school Starting Point Life University sends out... and as a quick word about Mongolia, let me send you what I'm sending them....

Amazing Love

In the month of May I had the opportunity to join Starting Point Life University for 2 weeks. It was an absolute blessing. I’ll be honest, when the opportunity arose to go to Mongolia… I was excited, I wanted to go and it would be fun, mission trips generally are. However as the time got closer, I wasn’t overly excited about the trip. It cost money which I don’t have, it was a whole lot more stress to deal with getting prepared for the trip, between vaccinations, raising money, getting paperwork in... let’s just say, everything was last minute and what didn’t keep me from going, was done on the plane or … (don’t tell the professor)… done on the fly while there or finished when I got home. School, work, study tour/mission trip, friends graduating and moving one, I was stressed trying to get everything done. But I will say, I had a fantastic time. It wasn’t the holiday I wanted. Ok, it was a holiday and I didn’t want it. Bills were piling up, things needed to get worked out, and usually a quiet get-away was exactly what the doctor ordered. But this time… I just wanted to get things sorted out. I told God to send someone else, but He said “nope, I want you to go” Alas… when He says go… sometimes there’s just no getting out of it unless you want to deal with some guilt trips, and I swear there’s days when I feel him glaring at me. (with love of course I assure you, I don’t think I’d be alive if He glared with anger and not love) So, I went the stress never left. I wish it had It would have been nothing but pure peace if it had. But despite the stress, the students and staff at SPLU made me feel like I was home and I could stay there forever. We shared stories of what God has done in our lives, I’ve realized a lot of my stories I’m fighting Him every step of the way… glad He still loves me despite the trials I put Him through. But one thing always rings true… I’m forgiven, because He was forsaken. I’m accepted, He was condemned…

                We had a week of prayer while we were there, the theme was My story, His story, Our Story. Our theme song… Amazing Love. I don’t know how it all fit together… the week was a disaster as far as programming goes, I got placed in organizing duty… but it wasn’t what I organized, it was pure chaos. One more thing to add to my already annoying stress level. The theme changed from the beginning to the end. But in the end, everything came together into something absolutely beautiful. I wanted it to be a sharing of our testimonies, how we should share stories with the world to tell what the Lord has done in our lives. How our story shows what He has done… Folks, I had it all wrong… while I was trying to organize a journey of our lives with Christ, He was busy working on the program and creating His story. The truth is, it’s not about our story and how He fits into our lives. It’s about His story, and how He’s given everything so that we can join Him in His never ending story.

                I still can’t tell you why He wanted me to come on the trip, but I can tell you that I’m glad He did. I can tell many stories about the experiences I’ve had during my time at SPLU, but the thing I love the most, is how interconnected everyone becomes when we make Him the author, and director for our life story. Because it’s not about My story, it’s not even about His story… It’s about Our story, His and Mine together, and the joy we find because He has stepped out from behind the narrators position, and brought us all into something absolutely incredible. He’s brought us, into the story of His Amazing Love.

Kim

Happy Easter!

Happy Good Friday Everyone!!!
Oh my goodness guys! K, so I just had a fantastic evening :) God is so good! Always! Forever! and He always has been :)
Humanity is so incredibly selfish aren't we? Always asking for everyone to treat us the way we want to be treated? Always expecting more, and more, and never giving back? I know we can definitely be the other side as well... Always giving, always helping, always loving and never asking or getting anything in return. And it can definitely wear you out when things aren't balanced eh?
Well let me admit, I'm one of the most guilty! of which one? haha both! I give too much, and I don't expect anything in return. But as a result, the time always comes when I realize I've gotten nothing and I'm wearing down... so afterwards... it's gotta be all about me. Forget the rest. I'm living things my way...
Well I got this new app for my laptop... yay windows 8! haha we get apps on the computer now to :P But it's a verse of the day app. and it's great! I have it so my login screen is set to a new verse every day. It only switches when there's internet, so first time in the morning I always get the old verse from yesterday... but today, when I turned my computer on the 2nd time... it had my new verse! I was praying God would do something to fix the situation, cause I was just stressed, wishing people didn't need me so much, or would just leave me alone for a few minutes so I can refocus myself cause I wasn't overly thrilled with things at that time. Well as I turned on my computer... this is the verse that came up:

"But He was pierced for our transgressions,

He was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was on Him,

and by His wounds we are healed."

Isaiah 53:5

Ok, Ok... I'll stop complaining, here I am people are just stressing me out... and you gave everything... pierced, crushed, and by Your wounds I am healed... Lord, kind of a slap in the face eh? You're pretty great.

 

Well vespers came and went, service was amazing... really good skit about a party kid getting into a car accident while drunk... then his brother gave his heart that the party kid would live... leaving a letter telling him to shape up, start over, and get back that girl he treated so bad but stuck around for 2 years, till she had enough... Well scene 2... they were back together and talking about how she forgave him and how grateful he was. scene 3, he got baptised :) found God's incredible love and started over. Really good. afterwards... 2 real baptisms :) then I got to have a quick afterglow with a couple friends, till they left and my wonderful cousin came to join me for the last hour before we got kicked out cause the pastor's wife wanted him home. I mean it was only 11pm... lol but I went for a walk after, to sing, enjoy life and to pray...

 

It was great, In Christ Alone, Amazing Love, and I'm sure another one or 2 were enjoyed. And finally I decided to leave... it was time for bed. God is so good! I was just in a state of pure joy, thanking God for the opportunity to be in a relationship with Him. To be His forever, to have been His always. And I began to think... What does every love story talk about??? Love at first sight, friends becoming lovers, the pursuit, God's got it all guys, He loved you the first moment He saw you. He strives for a friendship, for you to be yourself and to have an incredible friendship that will never be broken. And He chases, as you bolt, He runs full speed ahead till you run out of breath and let Him in. But best part? He took the bullet for you. True love would die for their lover.

 

Wow... I know you guys probably know this already... but think about it... If the person you love, your husband, wife, girlfriend/boyfriend, brother, sister, cousin, best friend... that person that is closest to you... He died so you didn't have to. When you were on life support... He gave his life so that you could live... I have to say guys... it hit me tonight, so hard. What an incredible blessing! I pray it never stops hitting me so hard I break down...

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEYm2zA7h_k&list=RDqLOIxjPlc4s&feature=share&index=17

 

I don't know if you've seen this video or not... But if this doesn't break your heart... you need a heart transplant... God's done it for you once... let Him do it again...

If it does break your heart... Think about it... You're the girl. God saw you dead and dying... and He gave it all...

"Please don't let anything happen to my daughter!

I have money, I have a house, take it all!

My daughter Can Not Die!

Take my blood!"

 

And He took bread, and when He had given thanks,

He broke it and gave it to them, saying,

"This is my body, which is given for you.

Do this in remembrance of me"

And likewise the cup after they had eaten, saying,

 "This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood."

Luke 22:19-20

 

My prayer for you this easter... Is that His sacrifice hits you hard. Guys we've screwed up big time... But no matter what the battlefield, He died that we could be free. That we could have life because as far as He is concerned... You Can Not Die! Accept His blood... cause He's given it... For you.

Hey Folks! It's me again ;)
Haven't posted for a while, man life is crazy these days eh? Can I get an Amen??! Talk about Burn-Out, I can tell you now, my last few weeks???... ok maybe my last month or so I have been living on the burner... Saving the world on your own??? Not an easy feat. I don't know which is worse, new parent or college student? Personally I've never been a new parent so I can't really compare but I've heard it's pretty rough... and if it's half as rough as college life can get... we need to make sure we remember those mother's in prayer! Don't really know what that has to do with anything, but for all those parents out there, you chose to live our life on the burner whether knowingly or not, but your children will thank you for it someday! (FYI... to my parents, that I know for at least a year did some college and kids, and work!!! guys... Thank You :) ) Anywho, back to my original point...

I'm doing a power point presentation on burnout. and I'll tell you, as I was making the slides... something made me see burn-out in a totally new light, and not a good one! but one that hopefully will make me realize what I do to myself on a regular basis and hopefully... hopefully!!! with lots of prayer and practice... maybe someday I'll learn to keep myself off the stove so I don't get sucked towards the heat of the burner...
If you want a good website to learn about burn-out... this one was really good!

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/burnout_signs_symptoms.htm

Honestly... I gotta admit, I never really new the difference between burnout and stress... but hey, there's a chart! sweet deal! I like charts, and that one seriously resonated with me... I saw my life for what it was, burn-out. I thought I was just stressed, you know working lots, so much homework, trying to save the world one pizza crust at a time and all... but man, I was beyond stress! I was completely at the max!

Quick symptoms of Burnout
- Every day is a bad day
- Caring about your work or home life feels like a total waste of energy
- You're exhausted all the time
- The majority of your day is spent on tasks you find either mind-numbingly dull or overwhelming
- You feel like nothing you do makes a difference or is appreciated

Ok, so kinda sounds like Stress... just maybe exaggerated stress eh? Well this is the part I found interesting... I'm not going to go into excessive detail... check out the website, this next part... is from the chart, Stress vs Burnout... This is the Burnout side
- Characterized by disengagement
- Emotions are blunted
- Produces helplessness and hopelessness
- Loss of motivation, ideals, and hope
- Leads to detachment and depression
- Primary damage is emotional
- May make life seem not worth living
 Anyone think they're living in burnout? I won't lie, I think to an extent I live on the fine line between stress and burnout on any given day... But my last few weeks... total maxed out burnout! Detachment and Depression? yeah, Loss of motivation, Ideals and hope? yup, pretty much living to survive, forget about ideals and hope it's survival. Life seems not worth living? Well guys, I've got a God that always makes life worth living, without him, I can promise you I wouldn't be here to write this today. But  yeah, even I began to feel like there was no point.... If you guys live in Burnout, I'm praying a special prayer for you tonight, cause I know for a fact, it sucks. Big time.

Thankfully for me, one of my class requirements this semester was a solo, in the wilderness. 3 days just me. Thankfully this wasn't like my survival trip, this one I got a shelter!!! Took my hammock and oh my goodness it's wonderful! warmth? my sleeping bag and a blanket was all I need and I tell you I was quite enjoying myself. No food on this trip, the idea is fasting and praying. work things out and figure out how you personally are going to be a leader, and what you need to do to get there. My favourite (ok... I'll be honest it was a toss up between this one and my hammock... but God loves me anyways) item to bring on the trip, the Bible. if there was one thing I did not enjoy about my survival trip last year... boredom... 3 days, just me, and nothing but a knife and a wool blanket... pretty much just suntan and try to get through the time... count down the minutes as the sun moves across the sky... the best way to pass time... try and figure out what time it was ;) but this trip... if I got bored, well hey, lets read the bible! and what a joy it was. But 3 days with my bible in the wilderness to pray and sort things out in my life... was just what I needed! Learned so many things! but we'll save most of the lessons for another day...

For now, learning about the burnout and having time away to think things out, I've realized, we live in a society of burnout, detaching, depression, emotional damage, people don't understand emotions... No wonder people start to believe in survival of the fittest, we live in a society designed to help us survive, and only a few are able to truly thrive... One thing I've learned through my coursework, psych classes, social work classes, leadership and expedition classes... I have so many incredible dreams! dreams to work with youth at risk, to save the world with more than just a pizza, to be so incredibly busy saving people that by the time I'm through... I won't have time to really live... Sometimes I think we live to accomplish tasks, to be the best person, to see the most places, to do everything on our bucket list...

ok for me anyways, I can be very goal oriented, I need to have a mission, to accomplish a task. And when my life is over, I want to see something I can say I accomplished. To say these are the people in who's life I made a difference. but through all of that, I let things pile up... maybe if I can help 5 people today and 5 more tomorrow, get through these 3 books or see these 2 countries, I will feel like I've truly lived, I haven't missed the experiences I could gain. Well I've been reading Last Child In The Woods a book for my class... and in it the author made a really interesting point... We spend so much time trying to cross things off our bucket list, so that we can get a knowledge of everything we can possible learn about... we forget to take the time to really learn about any 1 thing... travel for instance, people spend money flying to as many countries as they can before they are 30, or before they retire, or before they die, but how many know the backyard where they grew up? For me, I spend so much time trying to make sure these 50 individuals are doing ok, that... do I really know how any 1 of them are doing??? Gamers... spend their time trying to beat all the levels, and play every game so they aren't left out.. but how many truly know the games they've just won???

Once upon a time it was a thrilling experience to travel to a new town, a new state/province... But they really knew the land, they knew where their food came from, what to do in an emergency and how to work with what they have. How many of us could say we know where our food comes from... or what is even in the food we eat? We have a general knowledge of everything, but we don't have the basic knowledge of anything...

In all this living on the surface of life... I think we've begun to experience burnout more than ever before. We miss the value, we lose motivation in life. Because we don't know what it's truly about. We've made it about accomplishing tasks, knowing as much as we can in the time we have. But we've lost the community, the purpose, we've lost the simple joy of living.

I'm definitely not saying we should give up travel and go plant a garden. Honestly... that would be awesome. Personally, I'm going to Mongolia in a few weeks... wow guys... that came up fast... anyways... Traveling to new and exciting places, doing fantastic things... that's a privilege we get by living in today. Don't throw away the comforts just because you can. Take advantage of it! Let the spirit of adventure keep you exploring! But DON'T let it take away the purpose of life. Don't let it burn you out. Cause you won't ever be able to truly enjoy life if your constantly disengaging and detaching from it. God gave us so many comforts, and blessings in this life. But use those experiences, the blessings that He gives us to add to our life not our knowledge, Take time to start learning the basics of life. Get rid of the clutter that just sits there adding up to a full but surfaced life. Take a dive into the joys He's given us. Cause guys, when everything's gone and it's just God's love and His word... It's so much fuller and so incredibly rich that it's hard not to know when you've truly lived.

Keep living,
Keep loving,
Trust God Always,
Clear the space between Him and You
And get ready for a life beyond this one, one where you can spend millions of years getting to know your backyard, exploring the neighbourhood, adventuring to far distant places, and never stop experiencing, but always building a deeper understanding. Cause guys, when you die and come to heaven... Who cares if you've seen the Eiffel tower, your going to see God's towers, His Planets! Live the life you have now, but remember, The only thing that's going to matter, is the depth of life you've experienced here and spiritual journey you've travelled. When you get to heaven, that's when the real learning begins.

God Bless!
(My apologies apparently I had a lot of time to think over the weekend and I haven't transitioned into the short and quick lifestyle yet oops...)

Wow guys... so, it's honestly been a rough weekend and night... Today's Tuesday... Well I don't know whats happened to me this weekend and so far this week... Don't remember what I posted in my last blog... but I decided last week to run for Social VP for our Student Association. (as if I don't have enough to do already right???) Well we'll see what happens, because it was so last minute and there's another person running I'm not expecting to get the position, honestly I hope I don't... but I have also talked to the SA about adding a new position, basically communication between Lacombe and CUC, getting the town connected, let them know we exist, letting students know about the opportunities available to them in town. I really think it's time to join forces and build a community... I really hope I don't get Social VP, and that they add this new position that I can potentially fill instead. Anyways, that was last week, this week I have to make posters, and get elected :P I also have a 10 page paper due tomorrow morning that is no where near done (I know I know... go do the paper!!! honestly I'm ready for bed and it's not going to get done today... so I'm just going to get sleep so I can function tomorrow... but I have to let you know a little bit of whats been going on with me...)
Anyways... so you get the idea at least half the idea... that it's been a stressful week since actually exactly a week today is when it got crazy... Well that's just the tip of the ice berg of the stress right now but we won't worry about that right now...

I've been taking part in a series called "The Passenger" Its teaching us about our attachment styles, and right now we're basically looking at whats happened in our lives up to this point, (To be very, very clear... Not as excuses, not to blame, not to victimize ourselves... but to understand. It's what we don't know about our-self that hurts us)  and how we've reacted and protected ourselves, and looking at the way we attach to people in our lives. Well I've learned... I'm the avoidant. The turtle. Completely the avoidant style. Essentially that means I view myself as Ok. I am loved, I have what I need. I am ok. I view everyone else... (Please don't take offense to this guys...) As not ok. Essentially, I can handle my own problems just fine, I don't need to burden anyone else with them. Sounds about right eh??? Yeah... well I'm avoidant. Shelled off from the world as a turtle. But seriously, between God and Mr. Monkey, what more do I need??? I handle stress well. When the world comes crashing down I know what to do. I skate, I walk, I take time for just me. Now all that sounds great eh??? Well let me tell you guys a secret... On one hand, yeah it's great. I'm ok, and I don't need anyone else to make me ok. I can do it on my own. Well... me and God can make sure I'm ok. But here's the secret... I'm not as ok as I like to think, as ok as I can convince myself I am. The avoidants... yeah they are ok... but they are empty. we know there's gotta be something more than this life of emptiness... some kind of companionship... Someone around that can handle the problems. Not because we can't... but because it gets lonely holding the world together on your own.
*Now I feel the need because I know people who are going to read this and come back and talk to me about it later... for you guys. I need you to know. I'm also an introvert. If you come and try to fix all my problems in one night, I'm going to implode... as in, I'm going to hide deeper into my shell and you may never see me again. I really am ok, (and I'm not just saying that because I'm an avoidant.) I'm just stepping out of my comfort zone, and saying. Being completely closed off, isn't healthy. So I'm letting you guys know. This is a rough week... I need your prayers... Like seriously... I NEED your prayers... the Devil's hitting hard. So if you talk to me about this post later... please just let it be to say your praying...*

Ok, so now we'll get closer to the point of why I felt it necessary to blog in the first place tonight...
I have never in my life... honestly doubted the existence of God...
I went for a walk after work tonight... and I don't even know what started it, but at some point either driving to my walk, or right after I started walking... I burst into tears. I've been in tears or close to all weekend... And when I say tears... I mean... like John 11:35 tears... Jesus Wept.... well don't spread the word too far cause it could ruin my reputation... but... Kimmy Wept. and I started thinking... What if there's nothing more to life, what if Jesus was a fraud, what if... God doesn't exist. Oh my goodness guys, if you've ever thought of it with half the seriousness that I did tonight, I'm sure you can relate... I felt an emptiness I've never felt before. Well... I prayed, "God, I know I've asked for this before... and I know you didn't give me a sign, you reminded me that I was being ridiculous and that it wasn't a need it was just a spoiled brat wanting a miracle... but right now... I need something... I need a miracle. Because honestly... I don't know that you exist. What if I'm wrong??? What if your a lie??? What if my entire life is a lie???" "..." "God... I don't think you understand... I'm honestly serious... please give me something... because this world is honestly looking dark, and it's not just because it's night and the moon is hiding... it's empty... it's quiet... it's lonely... I feel completely alone..." somewhere in my thoughts... I'm here... "Lord, I need you to be audible. I need you to be real... because what if I've gotten so used to the lie, that I tell myself your talking when really... it's just thoughts... my thoughts... the ones that say what I want them to say..." somewhere in my mental mp3 player ... You are God alone... From before time began... "Ok, all these songs are great... but if your a lie.... they mean nothing... I've listened to these songs so many times... I've heard the words you speak so many times... I've repeated them time and again... but I've never honestly heard them from you... what if it's all just a lie... What if I really am completely alone... I always thought I had You and Mr. Monkey... but seriously... Mr. Monkey??? he's just a monkey!!! stuffed!!! with polyester!!! he's not real!!! Are you just a fake like he is??? In fact that would make you more fake than He is cause he at least is a stuffed animal... tangible. if your just a fake... your not even tangible..." Guys... here's where it honestly got scary... I felt completely hopeless... lost and alone... What is there to live for... God is my everything. God is love. If God doesn't exist... Love doesn't exist... If love doesn't exist what is there to live for??? Other people??? Whats the point??? The only point is that if they know I've given up... they could end up hopeless like me... at least if I can fake it... they can believe there's hope... they can live a happy life believing in a dream... But really... if love doesn't exist... then what does it matter if they live a happy ignorant life... Now about this time... I decided that being avoidant is probably not the best option... So I decided grudgingly to send a text to a friend...
"I really need a prayer..." "Ok... Let's pray Dear God...  I pray that you will bless Kimmy hold her close... Let her feel Your love overflow her... Help her to bring her focus back to You ... love her big bunches Father n fill her up ... We thank you for Your unending love amen." Now, usually this would be a great prayer... but I didn't feel anything... Nothing but more emptiness and a realization that if God doesn't exist... that prayer is a waste... But something popped itself into my head... something I haven't thought of for a while... I don't remember the exact quote... But essentially... The devil attacks hardest those closest to God. the quote always upset me... because the devil wasn't ever attacking me... I always thought I was close... but obviously... not close enough, not enough of a threat that he felt it necessary to attack... But I realized... If God does exist... So does the devil... and the devil is looking for anything to put between us. I was stressed because just a day or 2 ago I asked God to completely take over my body, mind and spirit because I couldn't handle my day any more... God's my best friend... If He's real... how can I even doubt that He is... but what if I just have an imaginary friend... Either way... my faith and my God is important to me... and it's important to other's in my life... so I texted 2 friends this time, the same one and another... "The Devil is hitting hard..." I've never felt such an incredible separation between me and my best friend as I did tonight... it's scary... it's lonely... When the devil hits... he hits hard... well friend #1 replied back "Well he is strong but your Father and your God is bigger than satan could ever dream. Sometimes we tell God how big our storm is and other times we tell the storm how BIG our God is." you know she's right... This whole time I'd been trying to tell God about the incredible weight I was carrying, about the incredible emptiness I was feeling, about the complete loss of hope that I was experiencing... well you know what... if God does exist... I guess it's time to tell satan how big my God is... So I did... I cried... I yelled... but I told Satan to get behind me... to get lost... to let my best friend back... You know, I don't believe God pulls away... I honestly believe at times of complete darkness... satan has found a crack in the door and pushed himself in... he's found an opening and will stop at nothing to get between God and us. tonight... satan wasn't letting God get to me... and honestly... it scares me how serious the battle can be... friend #2 finally replied... (honestly thought she'd gone to bed so wouldn't reply... but she replied) "Remember that our God is stronger. Ask yourself, 'What is the truth?' We tend to look for evidence to support the lie before we will look for evidence to support the truth. I am praying for you." Truth... what is the truth??? the truth is... God has been with me all my life. He's been there from the day I was conceived to the day I couldn't even see his existence. The truth is... God is bigger and stronger than anything. Truth is... I can't imagine a world without Him. even when I doubted... honestly, truly doubted... it didn't make sense... It was like telling me that a banana grows in the ground like a carrot... I just couldn't wrap my head around it... believe me I tried... but the more I tried... the more... hopeless things got... I've never felt more out of control of my actions, thoughts, and my life in general as I did tonight... It's only because God wouldn't stop shouting through the darkness that I was able to hear enough to keep going... I really did just consider laying down on the sidewalk and sleeping in the middle of a cold winter's night... There just was no point...

But you know what... Faith is believing in things you once knew to be true. I pray you never have to feel such complete hopelessness as I did tonight... But I know many do. honestly, there's times I really do feel pretty hopeless... but for me I know I've always got God and He always gives me hope... tonight though... the devil hit hard... but 2 things I learned...
Sometimes we need to remind the storms... How big our God is.
- The devil may hit... but God will fight back...
We need to ask ourselves... what is the truth??? and look for evidence to support the truth... not the lies...
- The evidence is there. All over the place... It took me 30 seconds to remember a million times when I knew God was there. and that He was real. It took me longer to convince myself that I was right, and that I wasn't making things up... but the evidence is there.

I read over Hebrews 11 tonight... Guys seriously... there is some gold in them books... The amazing things that God has done in people's lives... just because of the faith that they had. "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." These people didn't see God, they didn't know He was there... but they had faith... as the story goes, Daniel sat in prayer for days waiting for the angel's to show up... when they got there he asked what took so long... turns out they were wrestling the devil trying to get through... It's incredible the battle that is going on around us... every single day... I can't wait to go home guys... Cause this world... it's not my home. I'm just a passing through... I pray that I can be like Enoch... So incredibly close to God... that God just took him home. But unfortunately... I think there's only going to be one Enoch... so till then... let's just keep the faith... When the going gets tough... the tough get going... Hebrews 11 is honestly incredible... so many tough people that just got going... They all struggled, you want the stories on those just read the old testament. but they never gave up...

I guess what I'm trying to say... Even someone who's ok. Even miss "got it all together", even someone that has claimed Jesus as her best friend... even she has a hard time... even she doubts... I do, alot... God and I have good talks about it... but the devil will find a chance... and he will push his way in. don't ever loose hope that God is reaching out trying to push the devil out of the way. but you have to decide who your going to help... Look for evidence for the truth... cause when the devil gets between... his evidence is going to have more force then God's who's farther away and throwing it through obstacles... just be ready for Gods and I promise you, you won't miss it...

God Bless guys <3
Please pray for me.
The week has just begun and it's already a nightmare...

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst for righteousness: for they shall be filled
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake
Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. 

Rejoice, For it is through trials that we are blessed... For through trials we can understand the truth. 

So it's been awhile since my last post. I guess lots has kind of gone on, and nothing has actually gone on. Busy doing a lot of nothing. As per usual. But one thing that has been going on is an Essay. 10-12 pages of My philosophy of leadership and My personal leadership styles and qualities within the context of Adventure Based programs. Well with no where to start, I've decided to take several tests and quizzes online that help identify my leadership styles. Learning really cool stuff! Not necessarily learning about myself, but learning how to embrace my style. I did a quiz on strengths a month or so back and that one definitely made a few things click.

My top 5 strengths, (k, so I was kind of surprised, but I know some of you reading won't be... I had just never thought of it....)

Spirituality, Sense of purpose, and Faith

Perspective (wisdom)

Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty

Curiosity and interest in the world

Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness

 

Those reading this and having read a few back, probably won't be surprised that Spirituality is #1 eh??? I'm not going to lie, I was. Mostly I'll admit, I never really thought of it as a strength. It makes sense, and as the description says... my beliefs shape my actions and are a source of comfort.

 

First test that I've taken today directed toward leadership... "Psychologist Kurt Lewin identified three major leadership styles." My leadership style

 

Participative Leadership

"Participative leaders accept input from one or more group members when making decisions and solving problems, but the leader retains the final say when choices are made."

 

Yup, pretty much the way I like to run things. As a leader, my job is to lead the people. If the people don't give me their opinions... how am I to know how to lead them? One of my pet peeves... people expecting me to make all the decisions without letting me know their thoughts. Now I understand why I get so annoyed when people just tell me to decide things. I will decide, but I want to know all the options, and I want to know what their opinion on the matter is.

 

2nd test...Your Leadership Legacy

Top 3 results...

 

Experienced Guide

Ambassador

People Mover

 

This one I found interesting. I guess I always viewed these three as leaders. I think the Experienced Guide is the one I've always viewed as a good leader, Someone very old and wrinkled, with the experience that comes with age. Someone that's always got the answers, and viewed as a wise old owl perched on a tree waiting to share wisdom with those who will listen. Well I'm certainly not old and wrinkled. But I'm not going to lie, I'm honoured to have received this as my top legacy. The description of this legacy is as follows: "Experienced Guides don't have to be old, or necessarily experienced. What they do have to have is an ability to listen, and to put themselves in others' shoes. They have a way of helping people think through their own problems; they are natural therapists." it continues but you get the point. anyways, with this new information I have that says I'm an Experienced Guide... I can't wait to be old, and look the part of the Experienced Guide! Gray hair and wrinkles... bring it on!

 

Anyways, I guess my point in all of this. People go through their whole lives trying to figure out who they are, what they enjoy and not understanding why people can't see it, or how as a leader they may go through trying to lead and not understanding why their followers don't listen.

I know you can do a million quizzes and it's not going to solve all those problems. You can't learn who you are through tests. Tests are sometimes inaccurate. (I hope the legacy one is at least mostly accurate I like being Experienced ;) ) But I would definitely encourage you to explore some of these tests. I'll put links for you to follow if you want to see some of your leadership styles. I find it's not the tests themselves that help you grow and learn about yourself... it's what you do with the results. The tests simply help you put into solid words who you are and how you operate. It helps you understand better your strengths, your weaknesses, and it helps you learn to build on your strengths, to embrace them. And to focus on how to work around your weaknesses by grabbing others strengths. That's the reason I believe God said "it is not good for man to be alone" Partly for companionship, partly to love. But also to learn from each other. He's given each of us strengths, and all He does is ask us to let Him build us to be even stronger. He places people in our lives to show us where we are weak, to show us where we are strong. And He puts people in our lives that we can learn from. To grab a hold of their strengths and either build our own, or learn to defeat our weakness. Taking these tests can also give us a list of other's strengths and styles, so we can understand them, but also so we can learn to look for the people in our lives that can help to build us. I'm not an advocate, or a creative builder, sometimes a truth-seeker. But because these aren't my styles, sometimes I forget I need the people who have these strengths. I say my way is right and yours is wrong. But by understanding the different styles, I can have a better idea of how to balance their way and my way in order to have an effective inter-dependent relationship that says lets do this our way. Because our way, usually works the best.

 

3 Leadership Styles

http://psychology.about.com/library/quiz/bl-leadershipquiz.htm

 

Strengths Test

(this one you need to set up an account, there's 2 strengths tests... a brief one, and a long one (VIA strengths). believe me... the long one is long... I didn't take the brief one but I hear it was more difficult to be accurate, but gave the same results. but... the long one is long... make sure you take it with no distractions... or have time to spare...

http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

 

Leadership Legacy

http://www.yourleadershiplegacy.com/assessment.html

So, the other day I was sitting in class and something the teacher said sparked some thoughts, Well since I realized I was doing more thinking than listening I decided to pull out my journal and start writing. Sometimes I focus better when I can get the thoughts out in a physical and linear mode rather than trying to control my scattered thoughts and pay attention. So I'd like to share a bit of what I wrote with you guys, cause it was a mind blowing, humbling, and absolutely wonderful gift God gave to me.

How often do I actually focus on non-verbal??? Honestly... MIND BLOWN!!! Wow... I actually feel kind of like a jerk... My body language is probably more often than not... a sign of disinterest.. Not because I am... But usually it's just because I have bad focusing skills. (I have a habit of occupying myself with something while talking to someone, I focus better when my hands are busy and I can give them the attention they deserve. [teachers comments - Communication is 55% non-verbal, 38% tone of voice, 7% words themself] So although I personally know that I'm paying more attention... my non-verbals are very much communicating otherwise.) What would communication look like if I set my needs aside and worked to focus on others needs... Wow... I'm so incredibly selfish it's not even funny... (How many times do I expect people to cater to the way I am, when I can so easily work on making myself better so I don't spend more time explaining myself than I do listening...) .... How many times do I only listen to half of a request??? When I'm complaining about people repeating themselves... How many times is it because I haven't shown them I've heard... I say I've heard... but how much non-verble communicating has told them otherwise??? How many times have I actually heard??? 

I feel like I'm growing @ hyperspeed right now... Is it because I'm so far behind??? Or is it going to kill me because I am shifting from a focus on me to a complete focus on them? 

Lord, I am letting myself be selfish for a moment... why do I have to strive to such perfection??? (why do I have to be the one constantly making myself better, why can't they do more to help me out??? I feel like I'm the one doing all this work to cater to the rest of the world... Why can't we meet in the middle??? I feel like I'm always listening and not being listened to...)

Here was His reply...

Kimmy... I ask you because I love you. I want to to grow to be as me... Did I ever ask people to listen to me??? Yes, Did they listen??? No, they didn't. I preached and they did not listen... I asked them to stay with me... They fell asleep... I know it's not easy... Believe me. I know. But I'm asking you to put yourself truly aside... Trust me... I am here. When you need me I'll be there. Kimmy, when will you learn, I'm all you need. I know I seem to be asking alot of you. To put everyone else's needs first, to become completely selfless... But I am preparing you for something special. I am preparing you for a special work. There is such a need for selfless people... I call many, but few follow... Once you can learn to follow... I can show you others who have decided to follow. I want you to have the best... But I need you to be ready and deserving of it.. Kimmy, I love you so much Why is it so hard to see??? The closer you come, the more people to encourage and strengthen you I send... Why do you insist on holding on to what you aren't happy with when I'm taking you from content.. to fulfilled??? Do you trust me??? Are you ready to let go of trying to find fulfillment and let me fill you??? 
Kimmy??? 
Yes Lord??? 
Trust me... 

Wow... let me tell you guys... That hit me like a ton of bricks... Cause He's right... I spend so much time trying to make the here and now what I want it to be, that I won't let go and let Him lead me to a place where I belong. Since I decided to take this year for Him & I, let me tell you He's blowing my mind... It's hard because there's times I feel like I'm going through this incredible journey, a process, that is going to change my world completely... and when I look at where this could take me... it scares me, so much... Because who's going to be there when I'm done. But the truth is, it's a journey that never ends. And the more I trust in Him, the more support I find. I've gotten more emails from family then I've ever gotten before, and not just wimpy talks of "how are you?" "oh I'm good how are you???" like, real talks... The talks I've longed for. The more I reach out to Him, the more I'm willing to reach out to those around me for support. I am so blessed. I feel like I've come so far in these last few weeks then I've ever come in my life... And you know, He hasn't taken me out of my circumstances into better ones... He's made my circumstances better ones. My relationships with family and friends are stronger, more fulfilling. and no matter what... I know that if I keep trusting, if I keep moving forward... He's waiting there with more blessings to give me as I learn to care for them. They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle... I think that applies to blessings in a huge way. He can give us all the blessings He has... but if we aren't prepared for them, they end up as curses or worse yet... things that seem interesting but we don't appreciate them, they aren't a trial to learn from, and they aren't a blessing to help you grow... They just sit there in your life as extra junk to get in the way. Let me tell you, this is going to be an exciting year... If God keeps pushing me as much as He has in less than 1 month... God only knows how far I'll come in a year...

God Bless my friends <3

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/why-you-should-have-more-one-significant-other Just something cool I wanted to share

Labels... Boxes... We've all got them... We've all been put in a box, We've all put others in a box... But really... What does it accomplish??? Why do we do it???

Lately... I've been squished into so many tiny boxes I feel claustrophobic and stuck. What are my boxes??? Disney, Princess, Purple, Music, Fun-loving, Perfect, Lazy, Crazy, Unmotivated, Outgoing, Shy, Quiet, Talkative, disorganized, childish, serious, busy... The list could go on... And how do I feel about it??? I have no idea... but so far... I feel stuck, I feel claustrophobic, I feel like I can never be what I want to be... because I have to be what I've become...

Now are boxes all bad??? No! I would definitely say they aren't. I've been placed in boxes with labels such as "goody-goody," "fun-loving" "responsible" "carefree" "music" and honestly... some of those labels have kept me going... being labeled a goody-goody I was faced with much less peer pressure then others simply because everyone assumed my answer would be no and I didn't have to face the decision myself. Rock on! Sure it made me feel like an outsider at times, but people still knew I had boundaries and didn't bother pushing them. Being labeled care-free... People admire you, they want to know your secret, it helps you live up to what you've been labeled, to remember to let it go, not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Music??? Helps remind me there's something special that God gave me. Sure there's people better then me at music, and there always will be. But God didn't give me the talent to perform music, He gave it to be such an important part of my life that my life become's a song of worship, to let my worship burst forth and to bless those around me. And when at times I forget... it's nice to have someone remind me of the label's that God's given to me...

But what about the other ones... Right now... honestly, my biggest pet peeve is purple and disney... it seems like thats all my life will ever amount to. Because no matter what happens... Everyone will be assuming my label is concrete, that all my colour choices will result in purple. That I will forever be a disney princess, that spoiling me, will bring me great joy in life... But guys... it's killing me... Every time I hear the words Kimmy and purple together... I cringe... Every time I am told about the newest disney movie or a funny new meme... I die a little inside... We put these labels on people... We stick them in a box and we don't... let... it... go...

Ok, now here's where I make a confession...  I don't know how to change it... It stresses me out, it bothers me, it kills me... But what am I doing about it??? Nothing... Why??? Cause I don't know how... Why do we put labels on people??? Sometimes because we admire them and put them in a box on a pedestal... Sometimes because they are so blatant about their love for something... Sometimes, because we emphasize whats important to them... Sometimes, it's simply because we've been doing it so long, we've grown up being taught to put people in boxes, they've been passed on from generation to generation and it's simply the way we are. But what does it accomplish??? Sometimes... it encourages someone to live up to the person they once were... Other times... it encourages the strong to break out of the boxes and the labels and create new labels and boxes, to encourage one to look deep inside and determine what is important to them and how do they really want to be perceived. Sometimes it simply encourages us to pay attention to the boxes people will put us in... But in general??? I've seen it destroy so many people... Convince them they are what they are and there's nothing they can do about it. I've struggled myself time and time again arguing with myself, that it doesn't matter what others say or what boxes I'm put in, I can get out. Whether they choose to keep looking through the box to someday realize I am gone... or whether they choose to accept that the box is not where I live, it is simply another piece of furniture in my house, thats their deal... But time and time again people try to shove me back into that box... and time and time again I listen, I let them push me back because it's simply easier to sit quietly in a box then to fight over and over again for people to see past the box.

Are you guys stuck in the boxes to??? Do you find yourself pushed between boxes??? Maybe pushed one box inside of another??? Like me do you choose to remain in the box because it's simply easier, or because you don't know how to get out??? Have you accepted your life for what it is and refuse to change it??? Maybe you've been in the box so long you forget the world is fresh outside, you've brought pillows and cookies into the box and frankly... whats the point in getting out??? Well guys here's the deal... I think I've posted this song before... but I'm going to post it again... Because I think it's so important to be able to choose the boxes we live in... This has been one of my favourite songs for as long as I can remember... But it's also super discouraging... Not exactly about labels... But how will you be remembered??? Will you be remembered for your boxes??? Or will you be remembered for jumping out of the box and being yourself outside of the boxes???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9e_JF7FgzA

"I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moths and rust, thieves and such
Will soon enough destroy"

Are the boxes we choose to live in simply boxes that will be destroyed and destroy us??? Do they uplift us or bring us down??? Guy's we've got a God that doesn't believe in boxes... He takes fishermen, and makes them preachers, He brings sinners, and makes them saints... Do we live in boxes set for us by man??? Or do we take it to the next level and see people for the boxes they break out of and the life they begin to live??? Do we encourage people to break out of the boxes we put them in... Or do we tell them to forget the boxes and live the life God has given us??? There's a fantastic children's story called You are special about a puppet named Punchinello, Who's been given label after label... the Wemmicks give good labels, and they give bad labels... But one day Punchinello meets the woodcarver that tells him that he is special not because of a label, but because the Woodcarver created Him, and loves him. The story ends with neither the good labels nor the bad labels sticking to Punchinello because He wasn't worried about labels, but he was worried about living the life given to him instead. Sure the good ones are nice and can bring people up... But they only reach so far... Their still a box... I wish to live my life outside the box. To say I am special not because of a label, but because of the one that breaks the boxes.

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me? 
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
Who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy... 

A legacy of God's love and mercy, of His goodness and His story. Not my own miserable life of boxes and labels. A life outside the box, a life that when I start to get comfortable God takes my box and turns it inside out and throws it away.

GOD IS GOOD!!!

 Its WISE week here. Week In Spiritual Emphasis. And after my lest couple blogs I bet you can agree it couldn't have come at a better time. Its our student lead WISE, theme is... "Their story, Your story, My story, His story." Truth is every testimony comes back to His story doesn't it.... Its all about God leading and being active in people's lives. Stories from Jonah and a trip to the dentist, to Moses and a bus driver showing the way to Jesus. I have truly been blessed folks. But tonight....

 Tonight's service started with Balloons... now for some of you, please don't judge as I continue... song service, we blew up balloons and joined the leader up front, poor guy is having a hard time finding leaders and being the middle of a long week he wanted Balloons and invited us to have a "praise pit" our rendition of a mosh pit... some might say we are getting a little sketch with a "praise pit" in the church... but to see the faces of believers coming together in celebration of the creator of the universe... guys it was amazing. Blessing #1 the faces of Gods people in worship and celebration. Amen...

 Then a beautiful song about giving our lives to follow... I will Go. I will give up my life and I will go. Blessing #2 complete surrender Praise God...

 And the sermon goes.... John 15: .... I am the vine, and you are the branches... but those who do not produce fruit will be cut off and burned... great... encouraging... if we aren't producing fruit that's it, we are cut off... guess I better produce fruit... but do we have a master-servant perspective??? I better keep the commandments and please God. If I don't I lose my master's favour... or do we have a friendship with God??? One that says. There shall be no other God before Me. Great!!! Hallelujah I have a God that loves me more than anyone else could ever imagine. Why should I let something come between me and my Saviour??? Remember the Sabbath day and keep it Holy... a whole day??? YES!!! A whole day to relax! A day to spend with Christ. 24 hrs to get to know our saviour better. He asks for 24 hrs away from the usual to show what He can do with time. To show us who He is. How Awesome is that!!! Blessing #3 God is looking for a friendship with us because through His blood He cleansed us. How can we possibly want to do anything but obey Him for the rest of our life???

 Blessing #4 God... He is, He was. And He is coming... How awesome!!! How incredibly exciting!!!

And hey, as I type this... I am again reminded that God wants His love and Wonder proclaimed to the world... our internet hasn't been working for at least a few hours... but as I come to a close... guess what started working. :) Blessing #5... God will make His word known to all... God Bless!!!

Goodnight friends.

Today has been a pretty good day. (So I'll warn you now... This is going to be a long post!!!) Actually, this has been a pretty good week. Now let me tell you a bit about my week… So… my last post on Saturday night, I told you about my new relationship right??? Well here’s a bit of an update… Sunday, I woke up so gung ho about the whole thing that I had a mission, because I knew I was going to fail super quick. (Give me 1 day my motivation is gone, my memory of the commitment is gone, and I’ll end up making myself feel like an even bigger failure simply because I’m human and I’m weak and I’m still working on getting my priorities in order.) Anyways, I decided I wanted something to take with me, something that I could wear or have on me at all times to remind me of my commitment. Well, the only thing I could think of was a necklace. My last relationship I had a necklace, and it meant a lot. I don’t wear jewelry often but my bf had a good argument. “it’s not jewelry it’s a symbol of my feelings for you.” Haha k, so not a great argument, but I went with it. Doing long distance it was nice to have a reminder that he was still close. Well I didn’t know if I wanted Jewelry and when people asked about it to tell them it’s from my boyfriend. “O.o umm… ok???” Weirdo… Also being an SDA jewelry isn’t exactly the first gift you’d think God would give someone… it suddenly becomes an excuse to wear jewelry and that’s not what I’m looking for… But I prayed about it a lot… “God, you know what I’m looking for.” Truth is, I really did want an excuse to wear a pretty snowflake or something, but I didn’t want to admit it… Anyways, stores in town were closed… go figure… So I took a trip to the city 20 min away. I needed some adventure and a break from studying anyways, so I took the morning just me and God and my mission. Well as I drove, I prayed some more… “Ok, so I’ve got $10, I want you to find something perfect, something completely me and it’s going to be from you. And I’ll know when it’s the right thing because it’ll be perfect and under $10 ok???” “Really Kimmy???” “Yup, it’s just you and me God and I need a reminder of that, cause once this week starts you know I’m going to slack off eh???” “Do you trust me???” “Of course I do.” “Are you sure??? Why is this necklace so important to you??? You know people are going to ask about it. What are you going to tell them Kimmy???” “Umm… I’m going to tell them it’s from you…” “Will you really???” “Ok… it is going to sound pretty dumb isn’t it… Ok, and honestly… your right… a necklace probably isn’t the best option is it… Hmmm… I think it’s important to me because I want an excuse… And why not???  A necklace is a good symbol isn’t it… and it’s not something I’m going to forget about super easy, it’s kind of there, around my neck… Ok ok… What other things can I get… Any ideas???” “Trust me…” “Ok, I’m going to walk around and I’ll look… Let me know what the plan is k???”

Well I walked around the mall… I couldn’t find anything, I was starting to get a bit discouraged. Am I really doing the right thing??? Why is God making this so hard??? "God whats the plan???" "Trust me" "Can you send one in the mail??? It'll be waiting for me when I get back??? Is that the plan???" "Trust me" What could be His plan???  Hmm… a pencil. I could get a pencil. Pencil’s are what every man should propose with anyways right??? Haha good times… But seriously.  Diamonds are made from Carbon, which at one time is what pencils were made of… (long story guys, if you don’t get it… we had a long talk about this on my birthday one year…) I should get a pencil. But I don’t use pencils… I guess I could get a pen… I know it's not made of lead so that argument is invalid... but it's going to be used and isn't that the point??? Something to remind me of my commitment, something that'll be with me always??? I went to staples, and I found a pen. Guess what... there was a beautiful silver and gold one... On sale... for $9.96 :) Exactly what I wanted. I was still feeling a little discouraged, but I knew I was on the right track. Blessing #1 ~ God gives us help and lets us know when we're on the right track... AMEN!!! 

But the story doesn't end there... <3 

Driving home I thought about it more... I realized the real reason I wanted a necklace... was because of my other one... Bad news guys... I lost it... Once he came back at the end of the summer I didn't need the necklace to remind me or anyone else that I was in a relationship, I had the real thing to remind me. So the necklace got set aside. At some point... I lost it... And I felt terrible!!! Here's a symbol of our relationship and I lose it... Gone... vanished... seriously do I not care at all??? "Ok... calm down Kimmy." Just because I misplaced it doesn't mean I don't care. In fact, the last time I had it before I realized it was missing 5 days later... I put it somewhere... "safe" when I went on a field trip. Came back and I have no idea where that "safe" place is... I didn't tell him for months... I finally told him and I felt like a jerk, but he said it was fine and dumped me shortly there after... ok, not the reason he dumped me. But here's the thing... It has been haunting me ever since I lost it... 4 months it's haunted me... Everytime I walk in my room where it should be... I think maybe this is the day I'll find it... well... since my relationship ended... it became, "maybe if I find the necklace it will still be a symbol, maybe losing the necklace was a symbol of the end... maybe if I find it the relationship can be restored..." "maybe I need to accept that they are both gone." "maybe" "what if" "Will I find it today??? Will he be back tomorrow???" It's been haunting me more and more each day... And each day I tell myself that it's just a necklace, it doesn't determine the future of your relationships. It's just a necklace. And it's gone. Well God helped me see that it wasn't just because of my commitment that I wanted a necklace. It wasn't just because I was wanting to use this as an excuse... I was obsessed with the other necklace and I needed something to help me let go of it. And maybe if I had a necklace from God it would take the place and help me let go of the past and move on with the future. But I don't need something to help me do that. I've got God and thats all that matters... Blessing #2 ~ God grants revelations <3 

Got home, had a few things in my car from my past relationship, just ended up in there and kind of became part of the car. Well they're out. I brought the shells in and put them on my "history shelf" Letters got brought in for the purpose of burning them and getting them out of my head and out of my life. I put my new pen with my other pens... realized I still had past boyfriends pen. It's a really nice pen, there's a reason I stole it and didn't give it back. "Kimmy let it go. when this is over and your other pens run out you can use it again. for now, you've got my Pen you don't need another." "But God it's such a nice pen, one of those cheap ones that comes in a pack of 20, but writes so nicely." "Kimmy, stop making excuses..." "They're not excuses... it's just a nice pen.." "Kimmy... Do you trust me???" "Yeah... I think... Ok, your right... I'm doing this your way. It's gone." I put the pen on my "history shelf" Grabbed my lighter, put it in my coat pocket with the notes, first chance I get I"ll burn them. "Ok God, we're doing this your way. Cleaning out everything. Even if I don't feel its necessary your probably right. Well... your always right... but I probably do need to just take a break even if it seems pointless. and the necklace??? Can you just help me find it today... Today while I still remember it doesn't mean anything. Just so I can put it away and not worry about it???" "Trust me" "Ok, your right... it's gone and I don't care. Ok... I care a little bit... but I shouldn't care. Cause I'm trusting you." Blessing #3 ~ God cleanses

Well... Sunday ended, Monday went through, felt pretty miserable actually... Already my focus was school not God. Already my focus was unmotivated and tired. Already I'd fallen back into life and couldn't seem to remind myself of my new commitment. "God help me, I don't know what to do..." "You've got this Kimmy, Trust Me." "Whats the point???" "Trust Me." "Ok..." Well I tried... I tried so hard. But my motivation was just slacking, I just wasn't having a great day... I think it was a good day in general... but emotionally... I felt like a failure. I felt like I was letting myself down. And worse yet... I was letting God down... Tuesday was my birthday. I have some pretty great friends I will not lie. We met up at Subway, that was my big party lol college students for the win ;) they sang to me in the store... everyone was amused... then homework, work, you know the usual... And then I got to come home to cake!!! My roommate made me a fantastic chocolate cake with a special oreo filling... delicious!!! But oh so sweet... small pieces are good, but my piece was a big super sweet piece. Well I was already silently saying "Thanks God, I needed this, everythings going to be alright, I just need to take it one day at a time and not get discouraged when I'm having a hard time" "Kimmy do you trust me?" "Yeah, I think I do. :)" Well here's the grand finale for the night... My roommates had brought in the mail, and I had a letter!!! From a dear friend. She had sent me a Christmas present and it found it's way to me for my birthday. Just in time. I opened it up to a snoopy card that sings and dances, pretty spectacular. But the best part of all... There was a necklace. "Lord.... Thanks...." "Kimmy I love you." "I know you do..." "Kimmy I'm not giving you this gift because I think you need it, I'm not giving it to you because you need a replacement for the last one. I'm not giving this to you because now you have an excuse to wear it. Kimmy I'm giving this to you, because I want you to trust me. I want you to always remember who I made you to be. You see the pendant??? I know it doesn't have a snowflake like you asked for, it's got a treble clef... Because I made you to have music in your heart. I made you to be a blessing to others. I want you to remember forever that you need to trust me. I want you to remember your creator, I want you to remember that I made you special. And I love you very much. I want you to remember me. Kimmy... do you trust me???" ".... Yes..." Blessing #4 ~ God cares. You may think things are trivial, Things may truly be ridiculous. But God cares enough to answer even stupid requests when you trust Him. Blessing #5 ~ God's timing is always the best. Had I gotten the card a week earlier, It would have just been a gift from a friend. Even sunday or monday... I would have considered it a gift from God... But it would have been an answer to a selfish prayer... Guys by waiting until tuesday for that gift to show up on my table... God helped me see how ridiculous I was. He helped me say yes, I trust you. not because of what you give me. But because I know your way is the best. On tuesday. It wasn't an answer to prayer.... It was a gift to say "I love you." 

Now I'll try to keep it brief. But today... I've been wearing the necklace. I burned the notes... Took me awhile but they're gone. Finished burning the last one while I was walking to my car after work... Finished cleaning everything out. This girl is moving on. Well I cried... all the way home I cried... So I stopped at the Outdoor Rink. One of my favourite spots and I haven't gotten to go for awhile, but my skates were in the back and nothing was stopping me... So I got out and skated for a few minutes in tears. I skated for a few minutes in prayer. I skated for a few minutes with Jesus. "Trust me" "I do..." Guys I had the best time on the ice tonight... So much so I couldn't wait to come back and blog about it... I started singing, Power of your love, Refiners fire. Change my heart oh God... All the good ones... But here's the one that stuck... 

When I hear my favorite song 

I know that we belong

You are the music in me

Yeah it's living in all of us

It's brought us here because 

You are the music in me

For those of you that don't know it as well as I do, and can't place it after reading the lyrics... It's from Highschool Musical 2. "You are the Music In Me" Because I don't believe there's such a thing as religious music, and secular music. I believe there's church music and non-church music. This song has always been one of my favourite songs about God. He made me, Me puts the music in me. When I hear my favourite songs... I know that we belong. Because He is the music in Me. Guys if we aren't singing praises 24-7 there's something wrong. I thought about it today... I'm glad He didn't send a snowflake... Yes I love snowflakes, and they always make me smile... But how much better is a musical symbol to remind me that not only does He love me, but He puts a song in my heart. That I can trust Him to write my love songs, I can trust Him to remind me who I am. I can trust Him in everything. Blessing #6 ~ He is the reason we exist. He is the reason we are. He is our reason. We need no other. 

Lord, Thanks <3 

So as of Saturday January 11, 2014 I have decided to enter into a new relationship. I've got a new boyfriend guys!!! And just wait, it gets better... I wrote Him a poem awhile back...

Can't get Him off my mind.
He's all I think about...Every song I hear reminds me of Him...
He saved my life and I can never repay him...I'm in love and I don't know what to do....
♥ Jesus you are my Prince Charming ♥

I got the best Man in the whole entire Universe!!! I dare you to try and find one better ;) So, for some of you that know me, I know your probably thinking, "uh oh, she's gone off the deep end again." I guess your probably right, I have a tendency to go from 1 extreme to the other sometimes. But Him and I had a good talk tonight. I guess it started with me venting, journaling, you know how that goes. You start writing and it just keeps getting deeper, pretty soon your not just saying I'm sorry I spilt the milk, soon your realizing you also left the fridge door open, the cheese is moldy and your crying over spilt milk, pretty soon you realize everything you thought was history, is ruining your present. Well I told Him I need a boyfriend, I asked Him if He knew any good ones,  He said you've got me. I told Him yeah I know I've got you, I'm not alone, I've got my best friend on my side and everything. But I don't have someone to talk to about stuff that matters. Someone to challenge me. Someone to encourage me to be better. Someone to look forward to seeing and hearing from everyday. Someone to spend time with just the 2 of us doing something or just talking. Someone to work with. Someone to give me a hug when I'm having a rough day. You've got me. Ok, Ok, your right. I don't need someone, I've got you. The best friend a girl could ever ask for. But I can't really take you places, show you off, tell everyone that hey, I'm in a relationship with the coolest, bestest guy in the world. Why not??? Well cause it doesn't work that way. How does it not work that way??? I made that way!!! Really Kimmy??? I want to talk to you about everything. I want to tell you the truths about life. I want to challenge you to become better. To take my strengths and make them yours. To teach you, To love you. I want time with you. I want you to take me with you places. I want you to show me off. I want to be the one you come to for a hug at the end of the day. I want to be the one that solves all your problems, I want to be the one that wishes you a good morning. I want you to look forward to seeing me each day. I want to work with you. I want to be your partner. I want so much Kimmy. Can I be your coolest, bestest guy??? Well... How can you say no to that??? <3 How can you argue with that??? I told Him yes!!! 

Ok, so now you think I'm crazy, that I don't understand. That I can't shut everyone out with the excuse that I'm in a relationship with God. But here's the deal we made. 1 year. For 1 year it's going to be Him and I. Every morning I get to wake up and read a message from Him. Every day I get to learn more about Him and how we can make a life together. For 1 year I'm going to make extra time so we can grow a relationship. For 1 year I'm going to trust him with all my heart. I'm going to talk to Him, He's going to challenge me to think deeper, to think clearer. We're a team. We're going to learn all we can, and grow so much. But it won't stop there. We've made this deal for 1 year, But I expect it to last a life time. With our arrangement we've got a bit of a funny relationship really... because here's the part that some of you are probably wondering about... Is Kimmy going crazy??? Is she saying she's going to be the crazy cat lady??? The Jesus Freak??? Well... yeah, I guess I'm kind of saying that. But remember I said, "I'm going to trust Him with all my heart"??? Well that means it's His. And honestly thats the way it should be. We should all give up all claims of freedom of our heart, our soul, and our mind. But if He has it, that means Kimmy doesn't say who gets in or out. That means if He wants to give it to someone and let someone else join our relationship, thats His choice. I'm asking Him to let me have 1 year to cultivate this relationship, to build it so strong that it will last forever. That we become so set in our ways that no one can destroy the relationship no matter how hard they try. But ultimately, I'm giving it to Him. No matter what I'm in a relationship with God. Not just a best friend relationship, we're moving into a serious marriage relationship. A partnership to get us through everything. A combination of missions. Whatever happens, I'm putting Him in charge. He holds my heart. And by His grace This will be the first of many best years of my life <3 <3 <3

January 2014
A time of fresh starts and new beginnings.
A time for resolutions and better living.
A time to say hey, this is a new year, I don't have to stay where I'm at. I have the power to move forward.
We say it every year. But why don't we stick with it??? "This year I'm going to loose weight." "This year I'm going to keep the house clean." "This year I'm going to read the bible more." "This year..." "This year..." "This year... things are going to be different." We all say it. Even those skeptical and stubbornly-anti-new-years-resolution-folks, they say it to, they just won't admit it. We all have a desire to be better. We all desire to grow stronger in some way or another. None of us want to be the person that looks back on the past year and says "I am the same person I was last year." We all desire change. So why don't we change??? I think a better question to ask ourselves would be "Why do we change" What drives us to change??? Do you want to loose weight so you can look like you did way back when??? Do you want to read the Bible because it'll make you a better christian??? What is your motivation for change??? Though I'll never admit it beyond this blog, every year I've made resolutions. Even my days of being against resolutions, I've made them... But I never succeeded. Even my resolution to gain weight took about 3 years before progress was made. But why did they fail so consistently??? Why did my failures succeed in telling me that there was no point???

Personally, I think it's because we do it for the wrong reasons. We see the habits that are out there. We admire certain people because they have certain habits under control, and we say hey, This year I'm going to do this. But what we don't do is dedicate ourselves to growth. At some point we have a rough day and decide that relaxing is a priority, then the kids are having friends over so my habits can wait another day. For some, maybe they set their goals too high. They weren't realistic, they weren't practical. For others, maybe they weren't something that was important, maybe they are a quiet reserved person and their goal was to be more open. After a week of trying to step out of their comfort zone, they've realized they don't care. They are happy the way they are and their alone time is more important to them then going to watch a movie with people they may not even know well. Pretty soon all motivation is gone.

What if we stopped making goals that take miracles to achieve. What if we start making goals that are important to us. What if we focused less on what we are trying to achieve, and focus more on why we are attempting to achieve it. What if we line up our actions with our beliefs? What would happen, if rather than seeing an action and trying to believe in it, we instead took our beliefs, and based our actions upon that belief. Upon practicing what we preach. Upon giving up our hypocrisy and focusing on the reason for the season. New Years is about starting fresh and moving forward. In what way are you moving forward this year???