So, the other day I was sitting in class and something the teacher said sparked some thoughts, Well since I realized I was doing more thinking than listening I decided to pull out my journal and start writing. Sometimes I focus better when I can get the thoughts out in a physical and linear mode rather than trying to control my scattered thoughts and pay attention. So I'd like to share a bit of what I wrote with you guys, cause it was a mind blowing, humbling, and absolutely wonderful gift God gave to me.

How often do I actually focus on non-verbal??? Honestly... MIND BLOWN!!! Wow... I actually feel kind of like a jerk... My body language is probably more often than not... a sign of disinterest.. Not because I am... But usually it's just because I have bad focusing skills. (I have a habit of occupying myself with something while talking to someone, I focus better when my hands are busy and I can give them the attention they deserve. [teachers comments - Communication is 55% non-verbal, 38% tone of voice, 7% words themself] So although I personally know that I'm paying more attention... my non-verbals are very much communicating otherwise.) What would communication look like if I set my needs aside and worked to focus on others needs... Wow... I'm so incredibly selfish it's not even funny... (How many times do I expect people to cater to the way I am, when I can so easily work on making myself better so I don't spend more time explaining myself than I do listening...) .... How many times do I only listen to half of a request??? When I'm complaining about people repeating themselves... How many times is it because I haven't shown them I've heard... I say I've heard... but how much non-verble communicating has told them otherwise??? How many times have I actually heard??? 

I feel like I'm growing @ hyperspeed right now... Is it because I'm so far behind??? Or is it going to kill me because I am shifting from a focus on me to a complete focus on them? 

Lord, I am letting myself be selfish for a moment... why do I have to strive to such perfection??? (why do I have to be the one constantly making myself better, why can't they do more to help me out??? I feel like I'm the one doing all this work to cater to the rest of the world... Why can't we meet in the middle??? I feel like I'm always listening and not being listened to...)

Here was His reply...

Kimmy... I ask you because I love you. I want to to grow to be as me... Did I ever ask people to listen to me??? Yes, Did they listen??? No, they didn't. I preached and they did not listen... I asked them to stay with me... They fell asleep... I know it's not easy... Believe me. I know. But I'm asking you to put yourself truly aside... Trust me... I am here. When you need me I'll be there. Kimmy, when will you learn, I'm all you need. I know I seem to be asking alot of you. To put everyone else's needs first, to become completely selfless... But I am preparing you for something special. I am preparing you for a special work. There is such a need for selfless people... I call many, but few follow... Once you can learn to follow... I can show you others who have decided to follow. I want you to have the best... But I need you to be ready and deserving of it.. Kimmy, I love you so much Why is it so hard to see??? The closer you come, the more people to encourage and strengthen you I send... Why do you insist on holding on to what you aren't happy with when I'm taking you from content.. to fulfilled??? Do you trust me??? Are you ready to let go of trying to find fulfillment and let me fill you??? 
Kimmy??? 
Yes Lord??? 
Trust me... 

Wow... let me tell you guys... That hit me like a ton of bricks... Cause He's right... I spend so much time trying to make the here and now what I want it to be, that I won't let go and let Him lead me to a place where I belong. Since I decided to take this year for Him & I, let me tell you He's blowing my mind... It's hard because there's times I feel like I'm going through this incredible journey, a process, that is going to change my world completely... and when I look at where this could take me... it scares me, so much... Because who's going to be there when I'm done. But the truth is, it's a journey that never ends. And the more I trust in Him, the more support I find. I've gotten more emails from family then I've ever gotten before, and not just wimpy talks of "how are you?" "oh I'm good how are you???" like, real talks... The talks I've longed for. The more I reach out to Him, the more I'm willing to reach out to those around me for support. I am so blessed. I feel like I've come so far in these last few weeks then I've ever come in my life... And you know, He hasn't taken me out of my circumstances into better ones... He's made my circumstances better ones. My relationships with family and friends are stronger, more fulfilling. and no matter what... I know that if I keep trusting, if I keep moving forward... He's waiting there with more blessings to give me as I learn to care for them. They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle... I think that applies to blessings in a huge way. He can give us all the blessings He has... but if we aren't prepared for them, they end up as curses or worse yet... things that seem interesting but we don't appreciate them, they aren't a trial to learn from, and they aren't a blessing to help you grow... They just sit there in your life as extra junk to get in the way. Let me tell you, this is going to be an exciting year... If God keeps pushing me as much as He has in less than 1 month... God only knows how far I'll come in a year...

God Bless my friends <3