Sorry Guys... I am a terrible blogger... but as I mentioned on the first blog... there could be many months in between posts...
Well here I am to update my blog once again... because my boyfriend found it and reminded me of it's existence. So... here I am to give you a run down of my beautiful life.
Oh where to start... I guess lets start last January really quick... I was looking through my blogs and thus remembered a few things... 2014 was my year of a relationship with God. and my goodness what a year that was... I'll be honest... I don't remember that deal much after the summer began... so by the end of that year I'll admit my habits began to dwindle and the relationship wasn't as incredible as it had began... but that being said, I think we just got into the groove of the relationship. Which has it's good and bad points... good because it was comfortable, this last year my identity has become Jesus Freak, God's girl, I've gotten back to being comfortable being... Unashamed... Nothing else matters... and it's an identity I'm good with. Bad, because I've gotten comfortable... I've lost the new relationship butterflies in my stomach the world is at our fingertips excitement. And that's a feeling that's hard to come by.
So during the summer... I went to Mongolia, and wrote a short blurb about that so I won't talk too much about that... after Mongolia.... oh man I don't even know what I've been up to... I think it was relatively uneventful... well... I did write a bit about my adventures with Vector as well. So it's been alot of dreaming big, becoming a better me, and continuing to grow a stronger relationship with the best guy I've ever been able to know. God has been good, and whether or not I remembered my commitment for a relationship with Him, He never forgot.
Well the semester slowly ended, again nothing super eventful, but relationships continued to be strengthened, values continued to be challenged. Became Assistant Manager for Vector Marketing, they were interested in making a District Manager this coming summer and honestly... it's a pretty good deal... Got to go to Toronto for a leadership conference, and then to Olean NY for a tour of the Cutco factory. It was a pretty amazing experience, And it got me pretty excited about the Vector Opportunity. as a result I'm going to help a friend open up a Branch Office this coming May, I might continue throughout the summer, but at least for May I'll continue to be assistant manager. that brings us up to Christmas, finals over I headed home towards family and practicum. Had a delightful visit with my grandparents on the way home, drove into my parking lot at home and my car refused to start. Between God and that precious vehicle of mine... I am incredibly blessed... There were enough troubles with my car before I left for Christmas, the fact that I survived and made it home was incredible... and having my vehicle wait until I got home so I could have family help me fix the car was a miracle.
After Christmas my car continued to have issues, but nothing we couldn't fix, well... hopefully they stay fixed anyways... ;)
Practicum began and can I just say it was a fantastic practicum? Putting into action the things I love the most... Dreaming big, working as a team to achieve incredible things, and letting God use us as Lifeboat 14... To do what it takes to reach anyone we possibly can... Set goals and do what it takes to dream even bigger and expect God to help those goals come true. back to a previous post about Jonathan and his armor bearer... Live boldly, do bold things. If God is with you, then you can attack the enemy with confidence knowing God will bless you. Sometimes I think He blesses the true faith with or without His guidance, simply because you trusted and expected Him to bless you.
Practicum underway I got talking with a dear friend, man... this is where the great part starts and I don't know even know what to say... I have a boyfriend... crazy about him for years... finally let him go and decided to move on with my life, and well... we finally got to close to the right place at the right time. got talking and realized this whole being friends thing... just wasn't going to happen... I did try... for so long... but it just wasn't going to work... my goodness... I can talk about a lot of stuff... and I had a great plan to just let it all go, but i can't... the truth is... He's incredible...
God's timing is always the best. He's brought 2 crazy kids together and it's the best miracle I could have ever asked for.
So, for all those reading... keep posted for the many adventures yet to come... maybe I'll get sappy and talk about it lots... but for now...
Relationships are great, friends & family & romance...
Work, well for now it's great but it's pretty much all up in the air...
God, good all the time, and I definitely couldn't ask for a better friend...
Me, happy as a clam :)
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Hey guys, wow it's been awhile eh?
Life has become chaotic and scattered thats for sure, well let me try and catch you up on some of the awesome things that have been going on!
Well First you got a brief overview of my trip to Mongolia. Sadly I believe thats about all you will hear about Mongolia. I will try to get my schedule figured out so I can spend some time each week working on the blog and maybe one week I will have nothing more to do and can go back to more about Mongolia :)
This summer when I got back from Mongolia, I went back to work. Here's where I get to tell you about my new job. Started working as an Independent Sales Representative for Vector Marketing. Weird eh??? Pretty sure the 1 place I would never have thought I'd work... Marketing... as in... Sales... But seriously, I love my job. I don't know if you guys have heard of Cutco or not, but I get paid to show people the best product in the world, and work with some of the best people.
So what is this job??? Well Cutco is a brand of high quality kitchen cutlery. (Seriously look it up, book a demo with me! I'll tell you all about it, just shoot me an email @ knifegirlkim@gmail.com ;) get paid per demo so I'd love to chat, otherwise we've got a website but I can get you better deals than the website so talk to me first ) (Sales pitch of the day)
But here's the cool part, I'm doing alright selling knives, it's going pretty good really... definitely not the top and not putting as much work into it as I should... but my manager is awesome, and he pushes me, reminding me to make the calls, get the job done, and just rock it. Awesome right? Totally. It's not about the knives, it's about the lives. One thing I'm learning... Dream big, no one cares where your at, it's all about where you will be in 5 years... 10 years... 50 years... No I'm not saying what you do now doesn't matter because you won't be there in 5, 10, 50 years... but that's just the point! Where are you now? Do you like where your at? Probably not. I mean I'm sure there are many people content with where they're at. But are they truly happy about it? Is there something you wish you could change? More money, More friends, more peace, less chaos, less worry? Is your life exactly where you want it to be? When you look ahead in your life 5,10,50 years... would you be happy where you're at? Probably not. I mean people can only do the same thing so long... even if it seems great, we all know it could be better. So what are you doing to make yourself better?
Working @Vector I've come to realize there are so many people who honestly believe their is no room for growth, and even if they wanted it... it's not possible. This is life and thats all there is to it. But guys, there is so much more. And I know... many people are probably reading this saying... "oh no here she goes off her rocker again..." maybe your right... But seriously, it doesn't matter who you are, what you believe, whats going on in your life... You should never stop growing... Never stop being better than who you are now.
Here's the bad news though... It's going to be a long and painful process... becoming better and changing is never easy... First their's social influences... "Why are you different, You don't do this anymore, whats going on" and really... wouldn't life be easier if you just didn't have to answer questions...??? Truth. But the people who ask, they care, and when they see your happy... trust me... Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind. Let the ones that mind leave... God puts so many people in your life... but He puts them in your life at the level your at. If someone wants to stay in your life... make sure they work for it. Don't ditch them for something better... but don't let them keep you from being the person God intends you to be either....
Life has become chaotic and scattered thats for sure, well let me try and catch you up on some of the awesome things that have been going on!
Well First you got a brief overview of my trip to Mongolia. Sadly I believe thats about all you will hear about Mongolia. I will try to get my schedule figured out so I can spend some time each week working on the blog and maybe one week I will have nothing more to do and can go back to more about Mongolia :)
This summer when I got back from Mongolia, I went back to work. Here's where I get to tell you about my new job. Started working as an Independent Sales Representative for Vector Marketing. Weird eh??? Pretty sure the 1 place I would never have thought I'd work... Marketing... as in... Sales... But seriously, I love my job. I don't know if you guys have heard of Cutco or not, but I get paid to show people the best product in the world, and work with some of the best people.
So what is this job??? Well Cutco is a brand of high quality kitchen cutlery. (Seriously look it up, book a demo with me! I'll tell you all about it, just shoot me an email @ knifegirlkim@gmail.com ;) get paid per demo so I'd love to chat, otherwise we've got a website but I can get you better deals than the website so talk to me first ) (Sales pitch of the day)
But here's the cool part, I'm doing alright selling knives, it's going pretty good really... definitely not the top and not putting as much work into it as I should... but my manager is awesome, and he pushes me, reminding me to make the calls, get the job done, and just rock it. Awesome right? Totally. It's not about the knives, it's about the lives. One thing I'm learning... Dream big, no one cares where your at, it's all about where you will be in 5 years... 10 years... 50 years... No I'm not saying what you do now doesn't matter because you won't be there in 5, 10, 50 years... but that's just the point! Where are you now? Do you like where your at? Probably not. I mean I'm sure there are many people content with where they're at. But are they truly happy about it? Is there something you wish you could change? More money, More friends, more peace, less chaos, less worry? Is your life exactly where you want it to be? When you look ahead in your life 5,10,50 years... would you be happy where you're at? Probably not. I mean people can only do the same thing so long... even if it seems great, we all know it could be better. So what are you doing to make yourself better?
Working @Vector I've come to realize there are so many people who honestly believe their is no room for growth, and even if they wanted it... it's not possible. This is life and thats all there is to it. But guys, there is so much more. And I know... many people are probably reading this saying... "oh no here she goes off her rocker again..." maybe your right... But seriously, it doesn't matter who you are, what you believe, whats going on in your life... You should never stop growing... Never stop being better than who you are now.
Here's the bad news though... It's going to be a long and painful process... becoming better and changing is never easy... First their's social influences... "Why are you different, You don't do this anymore, whats going on" and really... wouldn't life be easier if you just didn't have to answer questions...??? Truth. But the people who ask, they care, and when they see your happy... trust me... Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind. Let the ones that mind leave... God puts so many people in your life... but He puts them in your life at the level your at. If someone wants to stay in your life... make sure they work for it. Don't ditch them for something better... but don't let them keep you from being the person God intends you to be either....
Monday, June 9, 2014
So, I'll try and have a run through of my trip to Mongolia, but so far class and work and catching up has been a priority, but for my class we did have to do a write up for a newsletter that the school Starting Point Life University sends out... and as a quick word about Mongolia, let me send you what I'm sending them....
Amazing Love
In the month of May I had the
opportunity to join Starting Point Life University for 2 weeks. It was an
absolute blessing. I’ll be honest, when the opportunity arose to go to
Mongolia… I was excited, I wanted to go and it would be fun, mission trips generally
are. However as the time got closer, I wasn’t overly excited about the trip. It
cost money which I don’t have, it was a whole lot more stress to deal with
getting prepared for the trip, between vaccinations, raising money, getting
paperwork in... let’s just say, everything was last minute and what didn’t keep
me from going, was done on the plane or … (don’t tell the professor)… done on
the fly while there or finished when I got home. School, work, study
tour/mission trip, friends graduating and moving one, I was stressed trying to
get everything done. But I will say, I had a fantastic time. It wasn’t the
holiday I wanted. Ok, it was a holiday and I didn’t want it. Bills were piling
up, things needed to get worked out, and usually a quiet get-away was exactly
what the doctor ordered. But this time… I just wanted to get things sorted out.
I told God to send someone else, but He said “nope, I want you to go” Alas…
when He says go… sometimes there’s just no getting out of it unless you want to
deal with some guilt trips, and I swear there’s days when I feel him glaring at
me. (with love of course I assure you, I don’t think I’d be alive if He glared
with anger and not love) So, I went the stress never left. I wish it had It
would have been nothing but pure peace if it had. But despite the stress, the
students and staff at SPLU made me feel like I was home and I could stay there
forever. We shared stories of what God has done in our lives, I’ve realized a
lot of my stories I’m fighting Him every step of the way… glad He still loves
me despite the trials I put Him through. But one thing always rings true… I’m
forgiven, because He was forsaken. I’m accepted, He was condemned…
We had
a week of prayer while we were there, the theme was My story, His story, Our
Story. Our theme song… Amazing Love. I don’t know how it all fit together… the
week was a disaster as far as programming goes, I got placed in organizing
duty… but it wasn’t what I organized, it was pure chaos. One more thing to add
to my already annoying stress level. The theme changed from the beginning to
the end. But in the end, everything came together into something absolutely
beautiful. I wanted it to be a sharing of our testimonies, how we should share
stories with the world to tell what the Lord has done in our lives. How our
story shows what He has done… Folks, I had it all wrong… while I was trying to
organize a journey of our lives with Christ, He was busy working on the program
and creating His story. The truth is, it’s not about our story and how He fits
into our lives. It’s about His story, and how He’s given everything so that we
can join Him in His never ending story.
I still
can’t tell you why He wanted me to come on the trip, but I can tell you that
I’m glad He did. I can tell many stories about the experiences I’ve had during
my time at SPLU, but the thing I love the most, is how interconnected everyone
becomes when we make Him the author, and director for our life story. Because
it’s not about My story, it’s not even about His story… It’s about Our story,
His and Mine together, and the joy we find because He has stepped out from
behind the narrators position, and brought us all into something absolutely
incredible. He’s brought us, into the story of His Amazing Love.
Kim
Friday, April 18, 2014
Happy Easter!
Happy Good Friday Everyone!!!
Oh my goodness guys! K, so I just had a fantastic evening :) God is so good! Always! Forever! and He always has been :)
Humanity is so incredibly selfish aren't we? Always asking for everyone to treat us the way we want to be treated? Always expecting more, and more, and never giving back? I know we can definitely be the other side as well... Always giving, always helping, always loving and never asking or getting anything in return. And it can definitely wear you out when things aren't balanced eh?
Well let me admit, I'm one of the most guilty! of which one? haha both! I give too much, and I don't expect anything in return. But as a result, the time always comes when I realize I've gotten nothing and I'm wearing down... so afterwards... it's gotta be all about me. Forget the rest. I'm living things my way...
Well I got this new app for my laptop... yay windows 8! haha we get apps on the computer now to :P But it's a verse of the day app. and it's great! I have it so my login screen is set to a new verse every day. It only switches when there's internet, so first time in the morning I always get the old verse from yesterday... but today, when I turned my computer on the 2nd time... it had my new verse! I was praying God would do something to fix the situation, cause I was just stressed, wishing people didn't need me so much, or would just leave me alone for a few minutes so I can refocus myself cause I wasn't overly thrilled with things at that time. Well as I turned on my computer... this is the verse that came up:
Oh my goodness guys! K, so I just had a fantastic evening :) God is so good! Always! Forever! and He always has been :)
Humanity is so incredibly selfish aren't we? Always asking for everyone to treat us the way we want to be treated? Always expecting more, and more, and never giving back? I know we can definitely be the other side as well... Always giving, always helping, always loving and never asking or getting anything in return. And it can definitely wear you out when things aren't balanced eh?
Well let me admit, I'm one of the most guilty! of which one? haha both! I give too much, and I don't expect anything in return. But as a result, the time always comes when I realize I've gotten nothing and I'm wearing down... so afterwards... it's gotta be all about me. Forget the rest. I'm living things my way...
Well I got this new app for my laptop... yay windows 8! haha we get apps on the computer now to :P But it's a verse of the day app. and it's great! I have it so my login screen is set to a new verse every day. It only switches when there's internet, so first time in the morning I always get the old verse from yesterday... but today, when I turned my computer on the 2nd time... it had my new verse! I was praying God would do something to fix the situation, cause I was just stressed, wishing people didn't need me so much, or would just leave me alone for a few minutes so I can refocus myself cause I wasn't overly thrilled with things at that time. Well as I turned on my computer... this is the verse that came up:
"But He was pierced for our transgressions,
He was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on Him,
and by His wounds we are healed."
Isaiah 53:5
Ok, Ok... I'll stop complaining, here I am people are just stressing me out... and you gave everything... pierced, crushed, and by Your wounds I am healed... Lord, kind of a slap in the face eh? You're pretty great.
Well vespers came and went, service was amazing... really good skit about a party kid getting into a car accident while drunk... then his brother gave his heart that the party kid would live... leaving a letter telling him to shape up, start over, and get back that girl he treated so bad but stuck around for 2 years, till she had enough... Well scene 2... they were back together and talking about how she forgave him and how grateful he was. scene 3, he got baptised :) found God's incredible love and started over. Really good. afterwards... 2 real baptisms :) then I got to have a quick afterglow with a couple friends, till they left and my wonderful cousin came to join me for the last hour before we got kicked out cause the pastor's wife wanted him home. I mean it was only 11pm... lol but I went for a walk after, to sing, enjoy life and to pray...
It was great, In Christ Alone, Amazing Love, and I'm sure another one or 2 were enjoyed. And finally I decided to leave... it was time for bed. God is so good! I was just in a state of pure joy, thanking God for the opportunity to be in a relationship with Him. To be His forever, to have been His always. And I began to think... What does every love story talk about??? Love at first sight, friends becoming lovers, the pursuit, God's got it all guys, He loved you the first moment He saw you. He strives for a friendship, for you to be yourself and to have an incredible friendship that will never be broken. And He chases, as you bolt, He runs full speed ahead till you run out of breath and let Him in. But best part? He took the bullet for you. True love would die for their lover.
Wow... I know you guys probably know this already... but think about it... If the person you love, your husband, wife, girlfriend/boyfriend, brother, sister, cousin, best friend... that person that is closest to you... He died so you didn't have to. When you were on life support... He gave his life so that you could live... I have to say guys... it hit me tonight, so hard. What an incredible blessing! I pray it never stops hitting me so hard I break down...
I don't know if you've seen this video or not... But if this doesn't break your heart... you need a heart transplant... God's done it for you once... let Him do it again...
If it does break your heart... Think about it... You're the girl. God saw you dead and dying... and He gave it all...
"Please don't let anything happen to my daughter!
I have money, I have a house, take it all!
My daughter Can Not Die!
Take my blood!"
And He took bread, and when He had given thanks,
He broke it and gave it to them, saying,
"This is my body, which is given for you.
Do this in remembrance of me"
And likewise the cup after they had eaten, saying,
"This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood."
Luke 22:19-20
My prayer for you this easter... Is that His sacrifice hits you hard. Guys we've screwed up big time... But no matter what the battlefield, He died that we could be free. That we could have life because as far as He is concerned... You Can Not Die! Accept His blood... cause He's given it... For you.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Hey Folks! It's me again ;)
Haven't posted for a while, man life is crazy these days eh? Can I get an Amen??! Talk about Burn-Out, I can tell you now, my last few weeks???... ok maybe my last month or so I have been living on the burner... Saving the world on your own??? Not an easy feat. I don't know which is worse, new parent or college student? Personally I've never been a new parent so I can't really compare but I've heard it's pretty rough... and if it's half as rough as college life can get... we need to make sure we remember those mother's in prayer! Don't really know what that has to do with anything, but for all those parents out there, you chose to live our life on the burner whether knowingly or not, but your children will thank you for it someday! (FYI... to my parents, that I know for at least a year did some college and kids, and work!!! guys... Thank You :) ) Anywho, back to my original point...
I'm doing a power point presentation on burnout. and I'll tell you, as I was making the slides... something made me see burn-out in a totally new light, and not a good one! but one that hopefully will make me realize what I do to myself on a regular basis and hopefully... hopefully!!! with lots of prayer and practice... maybe someday I'll learn to keep myself off the stove so I don't get sucked towards the heat of the burner...
If you want a good website to learn about burn-out... this one was really good!
Honestly... I gotta admit, I never really new the difference between burnout and stress... but hey, there's a chart! sweet deal! I like charts, and that one seriously resonated with me... I saw my life for what it was, burn-out. I thought I was just stressed, you know working lots, so much homework, trying to save the world one pizza crust at a time and all... but man, I was beyond stress! I was completely at the max!
Quick symptoms of Burnout
- Every day is a bad day
- Caring about your work or home life feels like a total waste of energy
- You're exhausted all the time
- The majority of your day is spent on tasks you find either mind-numbingly dull or overwhelming
- You feel like nothing you do makes a difference or is appreciated
Ok, so kinda sounds like Stress... just maybe exaggerated stress eh? Well this is the part I found interesting... I'm not going to go into excessive detail... check out the website, this next part... is from the chart, Stress vs Burnout... This is the Burnout side
- Characterized by disengagement
- Emotions are blunted
- Produces helplessness and hopelessness
- Loss of motivation, ideals, and hope
- Leads to detachment and depression
- Primary damage is emotional
- May make life seem not worth living
Anyone think they're living in burnout? I won't lie, I think to an extent I live on the fine line between stress and burnout on any given day... But my last few weeks... total maxed out burnout! Detachment and Depression? yeah, Loss of motivation, Ideals and hope? yup, pretty much living to survive, forget about ideals and hope it's survival. Life seems not worth living? Well guys, I've got a God that always makes life worth living, without him, I can promise you I wouldn't be here to write this today. But yeah, even I began to feel like there was no point.... If you guys live in Burnout, I'm praying a special prayer for you tonight, cause I know for a fact, it sucks. Big time.
Thankfully for me, one of my class requirements this semester was a solo, in the wilderness. 3 days just me. Thankfully this wasn't like my survival trip, this one I got a shelter!!! Took my hammock and oh my goodness it's wonderful! warmth? my sleeping bag and a blanket was all I need and I tell you I was quite enjoying myself. No food on this trip, the idea is fasting and praying. work things out and figure out how you personally are going to be a leader, and what you need to do to get there. My favourite (ok... I'll be honest it was a toss up between this one and my hammock... but God loves me anyways) item to bring on the trip, the Bible. if there was one thing I did not enjoy about my survival trip last year... boredom... 3 days, just me, and nothing but a knife and a wool blanket... pretty much just suntan and try to get through the time... count down the minutes as the sun moves across the sky... the best way to pass time... try and figure out what time it was ;) but this trip... if I got bored, well hey, lets read the bible! and what a joy it was. But 3 days with my bible in the wilderness to pray and sort things out in my life... was just what I needed! Learned so many things! but we'll save most of the lessons for another day...
For now, learning about the burnout and having time away to think things out, I've realized, we live in a society of burnout, detaching, depression, emotional damage, people don't understand emotions... No wonder people start to believe in survival of the fittest, we live in a society designed to help us survive, and only a few are able to truly thrive... One thing I've learned through my coursework, psych classes, social work classes, leadership and expedition classes... I have so many incredible dreams! dreams to work with youth at risk, to save the world with more than just a pizza, to be so incredibly busy saving people that by the time I'm through... I won't have time to really live... Sometimes I think we live to accomplish tasks, to be the best person, to see the most places, to do everything on our bucket list...
ok for me anyways, I can be very goal oriented, I need to have a mission, to accomplish a task. And when my life is over, I want to see something I can say I accomplished. To say these are the people in who's life I made a difference. but through all of that, I let things pile up... maybe if I can help 5 people today and 5 more tomorrow, get through these 3 books or see these 2 countries, I will feel like I've truly lived, I haven't missed the experiences I could gain. Well I've been reading Last Child In The Woods a book for my class... and in it the author made a really interesting point... We spend so much time trying to cross things off our bucket list, so that we can get a knowledge of everything we can possible learn about... we forget to take the time to really learn about any 1 thing... travel for instance, people spend money flying to as many countries as they can before they are 30, or before they retire, or before they die, but how many know the backyard where they grew up? For me, I spend so much time trying to make sure these 50 individuals are doing ok, that... do I really know how any 1 of them are doing??? Gamers... spend their time trying to beat all the levels, and play every game so they aren't left out.. but how many truly know the games they've just won???
Once upon a time it was a thrilling experience to travel to a new town, a new state/province... But they really knew the land, they knew where their food came from, what to do in an emergency and how to work with what they have. How many of us could say we know where our food comes from... or what is even in the food we eat? We have a general knowledge of everything, but we don't have the basic knowledge of anything...
In all this living on the surface of life... I think we've begun to experience burnout more than ever before. We miss the value, we lose motivation in life. Because we don't know what it's truly about. We've made it about accomplishing tasks, knowing as much as we can in the time we have. But we've lost the community, the purpose, we've lost the simple joy of living.
I'm definitely not saying we should give up travel and go plant a garden. Honestly... that would be awesome. Personally, I'm going to Mongolia in a few weeks... wow guys... that came up fast... anyways... Traveling to new and exciting places, doing fantastic things... that's a privilege we get by living in today. Don't throw away the comforts just because you can. Take advantage of it! Let the spirit of adventure keep you exploring! But DON'T let it take away the purpose of life. Don't let it burn you out. Cause you won't ever be able to truly enjoy life if your constantly disengaging and detaching from it. God gave us so many comforts, and blessings in this life. But use those experiences, the blessings that He gives us to add to our life not our knowledge, Take time to start learning the basics of life. Get rid of the clutter that just sits there adding up to a full but surfaced life. Take a dive into the joys He's given us. Cause guys, when everything's gone and it's just God's love and His word... It's so much fuller and so incredibly rich that it's hard not to know when you've truly lived.
Keep living,
Keep loving,
Trust God Always,
Clear the space between Him and You
And get ready for a life beyond this one, one where you can spend millions of years getting to know your backyard, exploring the neighbourhood, adventuring to far distant places, and never stop experiencing, but always building a deeper understanding. Cause guys, when you die and come to heaven... Who cares if you've seen the Eiffel tower, your going to see God's towers, His Planets! Live the life you have now, but remember, The only thing that's going to matter, is the depth of life you've experienced here and spiritual journey you've travelled. When you get to heaven, that's when the real learning begins.
God Bless!
(My apologies apparently I had a lot of time to think over the weekend and I haven't transitioned into the short and quick lifestyle yet oops...)
Haven't posted for a while, man life is crazy these days eh? Can I get an Amen??! Talk about Burn-Out, I can tell you now, my last few weeks???... ok maybe my last month or so I have been living on the burner... Saving the world on your own??? Not an easy feat. I don't know which is worse, new parent or college student? Personally I've never been a new parent so I can't really compare but I've heard it's pretty rough... and if it's half as rough as college life can get... we need to make sure we remember those mother's in prayer! Don't really know what that has to do with anything, but for all those parents out there, you chose to live our life on the burner whether knowingly or not, but your children will thank you for it someday! (FYI... to my parents, that I know for at least a year did some college and kids, and work!!! guys... Thank You :) ) Anywho, back to my original point...
I'm doing a power point presentation on burnout. and I'll tell you, as I was making the slides... something made me see burn-out in a totally new light, and not a good one! but one that hopefully will make me realize what I do to myself on a regular basis and hopefully... hopefully!!! with lots of prayer and practice... maybe someday I'll learn to keep myself off the stove so I don't get sucked towards the heat of the burner...
If you want a good website to learn about burn-out... this one was really good!
Honestly... I gotta admit, I never really new the difference between burnout and stress... but hey, there's a chart! sweet deal! I like charts, and that one seriously resonated with me... I saw my life for what it was, burn-out. I thought I was just stressed, you know working lots, so much homework, trying to save the world one pizza crust at a time and all... but man, I was beyond stress! I was completely at the max!
Quick symptoms of Burnout
- Every day is a bad day
- Caring about your work or home life feels like a total waste of energy
- You're exhausted all the time
- The majority of your day is spent on tasks you find either mind-numbingly dull or overwhelming
- You feel like nothing you do makes a difference or is appreciated
Ok, so kinda sounds like Stress... just maybe exaggerated stress eh? Well this is the part I found interesting... I'm not going to go into excessive detail... check out the website, this next part... is from the chart, Stress vs Burnout... This is the Burnout side
- Characterized by disengagement
- Emotions are blunted
- Produces helplessness and hopelessness
- Loss of motivation, ideals, and hope
- Leads to detachment and depression
- Primary damage is emotional
- May make life seem not worth living
Anyone think they're living in burnout? I won't lie, I think to an extent I live on the fine line between stress and burnout on any given day... But my last few weeks... total maxed out burnout! Detachment and Depression? yeah, Loss of motivation, Ideals and hope? yup, pretty much living to survive, forget about ideals and hope it's survival. Life seems not worth living? Well guys, I've got a God that always makes life worth living, without him, I can promise you I wouldn't be here to write this today. But yeah, even I began to feel like there was no point.... If you guys live in Burnout, I'm praying a special prayer for you tonight, cause I know for a fact, it sucks. Big time.
Thankfully for me, one of my class requirements this semester was a solo, in the wilderness. 3 days just me. Thankfully this wasn't like my survival trip, this one I got a shelter!!! Took my hammock and oh my goodness it's wonderful! warmth? my sleeping bag and a blanket was all I need and I tell you I was quite enjoying myself. No food on this trip, the idea is fasting and praying. work things out and figure out how you personally are going to be a leader, and what you need to do to get there. My favourite (ok... I'll be honest it was a toss up between this one and my hammock... but God loves me anyways) item to bring on the trip, the Bible. if there was one thing I did not enjoy about my survival trip last year... boredom... 3 days, just me, and nothing but a knife and a wool blanket... pretty much just suntan and try to get through the time... count down the minutes as the sun moves across the sky... the best way to pass time... try and figure out what time it was ;) but this trip... if I got bored, well hey, lets read the bible! and what a joy it was. But 3 days with my bible in the wilderness to pray and sort things out in my life... was just what I needed! Learned so many things! but we'll save most of the lessons for another day...
For now, learning about the burnout and having time away to think things out, I've realized, we live in a society of burnout, detaching, depression, emotional damage, people don't understand emotions... No wonder people start to believe in survival of the fittest, we live in a society designed to help us survive, and only a few are able to truly thrive... One thing I've learned through my coursework, psych classes, social work classes, leadership and expedition classes... I have so many incredible dreams! dreams to work with youth at risk, to save the world with more than just a pizza, to be so incredibly busy saving people that by the time I'm through... I won't have time to really live... Sometimes I think we live to accomplish tasks, to be the best person, to see the most places, to do everything on our bucket list...
ok for me anyways, I can be very goal oriented, I need to have a mission, to accomplish a task. And when my life is over, I want to see something I can say I accomplished. To say these are the people in who's life I made a difference. but through all of that, I let things pile up... maybe if I can help 5 people today and 5 more tomorrow, get through these 3 books or see these 2 countries, I will feel like I've truly lived, I haven't missed the experiences I could gain. Well I've been reading Last Child In The Woods a book for my class... and in it the author made a really interesting point... We spend so much time trying to cross things off our bucket list, so that we can get a knowledge of everything we can possible learn about... we forget to take the time to really learn about any 1 thing... travel for instance, people spend money flying to as many countries as they can before they are 30, or before they retire, or before they die, but how many know the backyard where they grew up? For me, I spend so much time trying to make sure these 50 individuals are doing ok, that... do I really know how any 1 of them are doing??? Gamers... spend their time trying to beat all the levels, and play every game so they aren't left out.. but how many truly know the games they've just won???
Once upon a time it was a thrilling experience to travel to a new town, a new state/province... But they really knew the land, they knew where their food came from, what to do in an emergency and how to work with what they have. How many of us could say we know where our food comes from... or what is even in the food we eat? We have a general knowledge of everything, but we don't have the basic knowledge of anything...
In all this living on the surface of life... I think we've begun to experience burnout more than ever before. We miss the value, we lose motivation in life. Because we don't know what it's truly about. We've made it about accomplishing tasks, knowing as much as we can in the time we have. But we've lost the community, the purpose, we've lost the simple joy of living.
I'm definitely not saying we should give up travel and go plant a garden. Honestly... that would be awesome. Personally, I'm going to Mongolia in a few weeks... wow guys... that came up fast... anyways... Traveling to new and exciting places, doing fantastic things... that's a privilege we get by living in today. Don't throw away the comforts just because you can. Take advantage of it! Let the spirit of adventure keep you exploring! But DON'T let it take away the purpose of life. Don't let it burn you out. Cause you won't ever be able to truly enjoy life if your constantly disengaging and detaching from it. God gave us so many comforts, and blessings in this life. But use those experiences, the blessings that He gives us to add to our life not our knowledge, Take time to start learning the basics of life. Get rid of the clutter that just sits there adding up to a full but surfaced life. Take a dive into the joys He's given us. Cause guys, when everything's gone and it's just God's love and His word... It's so much fuller and so incredibly rich that it's hard not to know when you've truly lived.
Keep living,
Keep loving,
Trust God Always,
Clear the space between Him and You
And get ready for a life beyond this one, one where you can spend millions of years getting to know your backyard, exploring the neighbourhood, adventuring to far distant places, and never stop experiencing, but always building a deeper understanding. Cause guys, when you die and come to heaven... Who cares if you've seen the Eiffel tower, your going to see God's towers, His Planets! Live the life you have now, but remember, The only thing that's going to matter, is the depth of life you've experienced here and spiritual journey you've travelled. When you get to heaven, that's when the real learning begins.
God Bless!
(My apologies apparently I had a lot of time to think over the weekend and I haven't transitioned into the short and quick lifestyle yet oops...)
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Wow guys... so, it's honestly been a rough weekend and night... Today's Tuesday... Well I don't know whats happened to me this weekend and so far this week... Don't remember what I posted in my last blog... but I decided last week to run for Social VP for our Student Association. (as if I don't have enough to do already right???) Well we'll see what happens, because it was so last minute and there's another person running I'm not expecting to get the position, honestly I hope I don't... but I have also talked to the SA about adding a new position, basically communication between Lacombe and CUC, getting the town connected, let them know we exist, letting students know about the opportunities available to them in town. I really think it's time to join forces and build a community... I really hope I don't get Social VP, and that they add this new position that I can potentially fill instead. Anyways, that was last week, this week I have to make posters, and get elected :P I also have a 10 page paper due tomorrow morning that is no where near done (I know I know... go do the paper!!! honestly I'm ready for bed and it's not going to get done today... so I'm just going to get sleep so I can function tomorrow... but I have to let you know a little bit of whats been going on with me...)
Anyways... so you get the idea at least half the idea... that it's been a stressful week since actually exactly a week today is when it got crazy... Well that's just the tip of the ice berg of the stress right now but we won't worry about that right now...
I've been taking part in a series called "The Passenger" Its teaching us about our attachment styles, and right now we're basically looking at whats happened in our lives up to this point, (To be very, very clear... Not as excuses, not to blame, not to victimize ourselves... but to understand. It's what we don't know about our-self that hurts us) and how we've reacted and protected ourselves, and looking at the way we attach to people in our lives. Well I've learned... I'm the avoidant. The turtle. Completely the avoidant style. Essentially that means I view myself as Ok. I am loved, I have what I need. I am ok. I view everyone else... (Please don't take offense to this guys...) As not ok. Essentially, I can handle my own problems just fine, I don't need to burden anyone else with them. Sounds about right eh??? Yeah... well I'm avoidant. Shelled off from the world as a turtle. But seriously, between God and Mr. Monkey, what more do I need??? I handle stress well. When the world comes crashing down I know what to do. I skate, I walk, I take time for just me. Now all that sounds great eh??? Well let me tell you guys a secret... On one hand, yeah it's great. I'm ok, and I don't need anyone else to make me ok. I can do it on my own. Well... me and God can make sure I'm ok. But here's the secret... I'm not as ok as I like to think, as ok as I can convince myself I am. The avoidants... yeah they are ok... but they are empty. we know there's gotta be something more than this life of emptiness... some kind of companionship... Someone around that can handle the problems. Not because we can't... but because it gets lonely holding the world together on your own.
*Now I feel the need because I know people who are going to read this and come back and talk to me about it later... for you guys. I need you to know. I'm also an introvert. If you come and try to fix all my problems in one night, I'm going to implode... as in, I'm going to hide deeper into my shell and you may never see me again. I really am ok, (and I'm not just saying that because I'm an avoidant.) I'm just stepping out of my comfort zone, and saying. Being completely closed off, isn't healthy. So I'm letting you guys know. This is a rough week... I need your prayers... Like seriously... I NEED your prayers... the Devil's hitting hard. So if you talk to me about this post later... please just let it be to say your praying...*
Ok, so now we'll get closer to the point of why I felt it necessary to blog in the first place tonight...
I have never in my life... honestly doubted the existence of God...
I went for a walk after work tonight... and I don't even know what started it, but at some point either driving to my walk, or right after I started walking... I burst into tears. I've been in tears or close to all weekend... And when I say tears... I mean... like John 11:35 tears... Jesus Wept.... well don't spread the word too far cause it could ruin my reputation... but... Kimmy Wept. and I started thinking... What if there's nothing more to life, what if Jesus was a fraud, what if... God doesn't exist. Oh my goodness guys, if you've ever thought of it with half the seriousness that I did tonight, I'm sure you can relate... I felt an emptiness I've never felt before. Well... I prayed, "God, I know I've asked for this before... and I know you didn't give me a sign, you reminded me that I was being ridiculous and that it wasn't a need it was just a spoiled brat wanting a miracle... but right now... I need something... I need a miracle. Because honestly... I don't know that you exist. What if I'm wrong??? What if your a lie??? What if my entire life is a lie???" "..." "God... I don't think you understand... I'm honestly serious... please give me something... because this world is honestly looking dark, and it's not just because it's night and the moon is hiding... it's empty... it's quiet... it's lonely... I feel completely alone..." somewhere in my thoughts... I'm here... "Lord, I need you to be audible. I need you to be real... because what if I've gotten so used to the lie, that I tell myself your talking when really... it's just thoughts... my thoughts... the ones that say what I want them to say..." somewhere in my mental mp3 player ... You are God alone... From before time began... "Ok, all these songs are great... but if your a lie.... they mean nothing... I've listened to these songs so many times... I've heard the words you speak so many times... I've repeated them time and again... but I've never honestly heard them from you... what if it's all just a lie... What if I really am completely alone... I always thought I had You and Mr. Monkey... but seriously... Mr. Monkey??? he's just a monkey!!! stuffed!!! with polyester!!! he's not real!!! Are you just a fake like he is??? In fact that would make you more fake than He is cause he at least is a stuffed animal... tangible. if your just a fake... your not even tangible..." Guys... here's where it honestly got scary... I felt completely hopeless... lost and alone... What is there to live for... God is my everything. God is love. If God doesn't exist... Love doesn't exist... If love doesn't exist what is there to live for??? Other people??? Whats the point??? The only point is that if they know I've given up... they could end up hopeless like me... at least if I can fake it... they can believe there's hope... they can live a happy life believing in a dream... But really... if love doesn't exist... then what does it matter if they live a happy ignorant life... Now about this time... I decided that being avoidant is probably not the best option... So I decided grudgingly to send a text to a friend...
"I really need a prayer..." "Ok... Let's pray Dear God... I pray that you will bless Kimmy hold her close... Let her feel Your love overflow her... Help her to bring her focus back to You ... love her big bunches Father n fill her up ... We thank you for Your unending love amen." Now, usually this would be a great prayer... but I didn't feel anything... Nothing but more emptiness and a realization that if God doesn't exist... that prayer is a waste... But something popped itself into my head... something I haven't thought of for a while... I don't remember the exact quote... But essentially... The devil attacks hardest those closest to God. the quote always upset me... because the devil wasn't ever attacking me... I always thought I was close... but obviously... not close enough, not enough of a threat that he felt it necessary to attack... But I realized... If God does exist... So does the devil... and the devil is looking for anything to put between us. I was stressed because just a day or 2 ago I asked God to completely take over my body, mind and spirit because I couldn't handle my day any more... God's my best friend... If He's real... how can I even doubt that He is... but what if I just have an imaginary friend... Either way... my faith and my God is important to me... and it's important to other's in my life... so I texted 2 friends this time, the same one and another... "The Devil is hitting hard..." I've never felt such an incredible separation between me and my best friend as I did tonight... it's scary... it's lonely... When the devil hits... he hits hard... well friend #1 replied back "Well he is strong but your Father and your God is bigger than satan could ever dream. Sometimes we tell God how big our storm is and other times we tell the storm how BIG our God is." you know she's right... This whole time I'd been trying to tell God about the incredible weight I was carrying, about the incredible emptiness I was feeling, about the complete loss of hope that I was experiencing... well you know what... if God does exist... I guess it's time to tell satan how big my God is... So I did... I cried... I yelled... but I told Satan to get behind me... to get lost... to let my best friend back... You know, I don't believe God pulls away... I honestly believe at times of complete darkness... satan has found a crack in the door and pushed himself in... he's found an opening and will stop at nothing to get between God and us. tonight... satan wasn't letting God get to me... and honestly... it scares me how serious the battle can be... friend #2 finally replied... (honestly thought she'd gone to bed so wouldn't reply... but she replied) "Remember that our God is stronger. Ask yourself, 'What is the truth?' We tend to look for evidence to support the lie before we will look for evidence to support the truth. I am praying for you." Truth... what is the truth??? the truth is... God has been with me all my life. He's been there from the day I was conceived to the day I couldn't even see his existence. The truth is... God is bigger and stronger than anything. Truth is... I can't imagine a world without Him. even when I doubted... honestly, truly doubted... it didn't make sense... It was like telling me that a banana grows in the ground like a carrot... I just couldn't wrap my head around it... believe me I tried... but the more I tried... the more... hopeless things got... I've never felt more out of control of my actions, thoughts, and my life in general as I did tonight... It's only because God wouldn't stop shouting through the darkness that I was able to hear enough to keep going... I really did just consider laying down on the sidewalk and sleeping in the middle of a cold winter's night... There just was no point...
But you know what... Faith is believing in things you once knew to be true. I pray you never have to feel such complete hopelessness as I did tonight... But I know many do. honestly, there's times I really do feel pretty hopeless... but for me I know I've always got God and He always gives me hope... tonight though... the devil hit hard... but 2 things I learned...
Sometimes we need to remind the storms... How big our God is.
- The devil may hit... but God will fight back...
We need to ask ourselves... what is the truth??? and look for evidence to support the truth... not the lies...
- The evidence is there. All over the place... It took me 30 seconds to remember a million times when I knew God was there. and that He was real. It took me longer to convince myself that I was right, and that I wasn't making things up... but the evidence is there.
I read over Hebrews 11 tonight... Guys seriously... there is some gold in them books... The amazing things that God has done in people's lives... just because of the faith that they had. "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." These people didn't see God, they didn't know He was there... but they had faith... as the story goes, Daniel sat in prayer for days waiting for the angel's to show up... when they got there he asked what took so long... turns out they were wrestling the devil trying to get through... It's incredible the battle that is going on around us... every single day... I can't wait to go home guys... Cause this world... it's not my home. I'm just a passing through... I pray that I can be like Enoch... So incredibly close to God... that God just took him home. But unfortunately... I think there's only going to be one Enoch... so till then... let's just keep the faith... When the going gets tough... the tough get going... Hebrews 11 is honestly incredible... so many tough people that just got going... They all struggled, you want the stories on those just read the old testament. but they never gave up...
I guess what I'm trying to say... Even someone who's ok. Even miss "got it all together", even someone that has claimed Jesus as her best friend... even she has a hard time... even she doubts... I do, alot... God and I have good talks about it... but the devil will find a chance... and he will push his way in. don't ever loose hope that God is reaching out trying to push the devil out of the way. but you have to decide who your going to help... Look for evidence for the truth... cause when the devil gets between... his evidence is going to have more force then God's who's farther away and throwing it through obstacles... just be ready for Gods and I promise you, you won't miss it...
God Bless guys <3
Please pray for me.
The week has just begun and it's already a nightmare...
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst for righteousness: for they shall be filled
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake
Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
Rejoice, For it is through trials that we are blessed... For through trials we can understand the truth.
Anyways... so you get the idea at least half the idea... that it's been a stressful week since actually exactly a week today is when it got crazy... Well that's just the tip of the ice berg of the stress right now but we won't worry about that right now...
I've been taking part in a series called "The Passenger" Its teaching us about our attachment styles, and right now we're basically looking at whats happened in our lives up to this point, (To be very, very clear... Not as excuses, not to blame, not to victimize ourselves... but to understand. It's what we don't know about our-self that hurts us) and how we've reacted and protected ourselves, and looking at the way we attach to people in our lives. Well I've learned... I'm the avoidant. The turtle. Completely the avoidant style. Essentially that means I view myself as Ok. I am loved, I have what I need. I am ok. I view everyone else... (Please don't take offense to this guys...) As not ok. Essentially, I can handle my own problems just fine, I don't need to burden anyone else with them. Sounds about right eh??? Yeah... well I'm avoidant. Shelled off from the world as a turtle. But seriously, between God and Mr. Monkey, what more do I need??? I handle stress well. When the world comes crashing down I know what to do. I skate, I walk, I take time for just me. Now all that sounds great eh??? Well let me tell you guys a secret... On one hand, yeah it's great. I'm ok, and I don't need anyone else to make me ok. I can do it on my own. Well... me and God can make sure I'm ok. But here's the secret... I'm not as ok as I like to think, as ok as I can convince myself I am. The avoidants... yeah they are ok... but they are empty. we know there's gotta be something more than this life of emptiness... some kind of companionship... Someone around that can handle the problems. Not because we can't... but because it gets lonely holding the world together on your own.
*Now I feel the need because I know people who are going to read this and come back and talk to me about it later... for you guys. I need you to know. I'm also an introvert. If you come and try to fix all my problems in one night, I'm going to implode... as in, I'm going to hide deeper into my shell and you may never see me again. I really am ok, (and I'm not just saying that because I'm an avoidant.) I'm just stepping out of my comfort zone, and saying. Being completely closed off, isn't healthy. So I'm letting you guys know. This is a rough week... I need your prayers... Like seriously... I NEED your prayers... the Devil's hitting hard. So if you talk to me about this post later... please just let it be to say your praying...*
Ok, so now we'll get closer to the point of why I felt it necessary to blog in the first place tonight...
I have never in my life... honestly doubted the existence of God...
I went for a walk after work tonight... and I don't even know what started it, but at some point either driving to my walk, or right after I started walking... I burst into tears. I've been in tears or close to all weekend... And when I say tears... I mean... like John 11:35 tears... Jesus Wept.... well don't spread the word too far cause it could ruin my reputation... but... Kimmy Wept. and I started thinking... What if there's nothing more to life, what if Jesus was a fraud, what if... God doesn't exist. Oh my goodness guys, if you've ever thought of it with half the seriousness that I did tonight, I'm sure you can relate... I felt an emptiness I've never felt before. Well... I prayed, "God, I know I've asked for this before... and I know you didn't give me a sign, you reminded me that I was being ridiculous and that it wasn't a need it was just a spoiled brat wanting a miracle... but right now... I need something... I need a miracle. Because honestly... I don't know that you exist. What if I'm wrong??? What if your a lie??? What if my entire life is a lie???" "..." "God... I don't think you understand... I'm honestly serious... please give me something... because this world is honestly looking dark, and it's not just because it's night and the moon is hiding... it's empty... it's quiet... it's lonely... I feel completely alone..." somewhere in my thoughts... I'm here... "Lord, I need you to be audible. I need you to be real... because what if I've gotten so used to the lie, that I tell myself your talking when really... it's just thoughts... my thoughts... the ones that say what I want them to say..." somewhere in my mental mp3 player ... You are God alone... From before time began... "Ok, all these songs are great... but if your a lie.... they mean nothing... I've listened to these songs so many times... I've heard the words you speak so many times... I've repeated them time and again... but I've never honestly heard them from you... what if it's all just a lie... What if I really am completely alone... I always thought I had You and Mr. Monkey... but seriously... Mr. Monkey??? he's just a monkey!!! stuffed!!! with polyester!!! he's not real!!! Are you just a fake like he is??? In fact that would make you more fake than He is cause he at least is a stuffed animal... tangible. if your just a fake... your not even tangible..." Guys... here's where it honestly got scary... I felt completely hopeless... lost and alone... What is there to live for... God is my everything. God is love. If God doesn't exist... Love doesn't exist... If love doesn't exist what is there to live for??? Other people??? Whats the point??? The only point is that if they know I've given up... they could end up hopeless like me... at least if I can fake it... they can believe there's hope... they can live a happy life believing in a dream... But really... if love doesn't exist... then what does it matter if they live a happy ignorant life... Now about this time... I decided that being avoidant is probably not the best option... So I decided grudgingly to send a text to a friend...
"I really need a prayer..." "Ok... Let's pray Dear God... I pray that you will bless Kimmy hold her close... Let her feel Your love overflow her... Help her to bring her focus back to You ... love her big bunches Father n fill her up ... We thank you for Your unending love amen." Now, usually this would be a great prayer... but I didn't feel anything... Nothing but more emptiness and a realization that if God doesn't exist... that prayer is a waste... But something popped itself into my head... something I haven't thought of for a while... I don't remember the exact quote... But essentially... The devil attacks hardest those closest to God. the quote always upset me... because the devil wasn't ever attacking me... I always thought I was close... but obviously... not close enough, not enough of a threat that he felt it necessary to attack... But I realized... If God does exist... So does the devil... and the devil is looking for anything to put between us. I was stressed because just a day or 2 ago I asked God to completely take over my body, mind and spirit because I couldn't handle my day any more... God's my best friend... If He's real... how can I even doubt that He is... but what if I just have an imaginary friend... Either way... my faith and my God is important to me... and it's important to other's in my life... so I texted 2 friends this time, the same one and another... "The Devil is hitting hard..." I've never felt such an incredible separation between me and my best friend as I did tonight... it's scary... it's lonely... When the devil hits... he hits hard... well friend #1 replied back "Well he is strong but your Father and your God is bigger than satan could ever dream. Sometimes we tell God how big our storm is and other times we tell the storm how BIG our God is." you know she's right... This whole time I'd been trying to tell God about the incredible weight I was carrying, about the incredible emptiness I was feeling, about the complete loss of hope that I was experiencing... well you know what... if God does exist... I guess it's time to tell satan how big my God is... So I did... I cried... I yelled... but I told Satan to get behind me... to get lost... to let my best friend back... You know, I don't believe God pulls away... I honestly believe at times of complete darkness... satan has found a crack in the door and pushed himself in... he's found an opening and will stop at nothing to get between God and us. tonight... satan wasn't letting God get to me... and honestly... it scares me how serious the battle can be... friend #2 finally replied... (honestly thought she'd gone to bed so wouldn't reply... but she replied) "Remember that our God is stronger. Ask yourself, 'What is the truth?' We tend to look for evidence to support the lie before we will look for evidence to support the truth. I am praying for you." Truth... what is the truth??? the truth is... God has been with me all my life. He's been there from the day I was conceived to the day I couldn't even see his existence. The truth is... God is bigger and stronger than anything. Truth is... I can't imagine a world without Him. even when I doubted... honestly, truly doubted... it didn't make sense... It was like telling me that a banana grows in the ground like a carrot... I just couldn't wrap my head around it... believe me I tried... but the more I tried... the more... hopeless things got... I've never felt more out of control of my actions, thoughts, and my life in general as I did tonight... It's only because God wouldn't stop shouting through the darkness that I was able to hear enough to keep going... I really did just consider laying down on the sidewalk and sleeping in the middle of a cold winter's night... There just was no point...
But you know what... Faith is believing in things you once knew to be true. I pray you never have to feel such complete hopelessness as I did tonight... But I know many do. honestly, there's times I really do feel pretty hopeless... but for me I know I've always got God and He always gives me hope... tonight though... the devil hit hard... but 2 things I learned...
Sometimes we need to remind the storms... How big our God is.
- The devil may hit... but God will fight back...
We need to ask ourselves... what is the truth??? and look for evidence to support the truth... not the lies...
- The evidence is there. All over the place... It took me 30 seconds to remember a million times when I knew God was there. and that He was real. It took me longer to convince myself that I was right, and that I wasn't making things up... but the evidence is there.
I read over Hebrews 11 tonight... Guys seriously... there is some gold in them books... The amazing things that God has done in people's lives... just because of the faith that they had. "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." These people didn't see God, they didn't know He was there... but they had faith... as the story goes, Daniel sat in prayer for days waiting for the angel's to show up... when they got there he asked what took so long... turns out they were wrestling the devil trying to get through... It's incredible the battle that is going on around us... every single day... I can't wait to go home guys... Cause this world... it's not my home. I'm just a passing through... I pray that I can be like Enoch... So incredibly close to God... that God just took him home. But unfortunately... I think there's only going to be one Enoch... so till then... let's just keep the faith... When the going gets tough... the tough get going... Hebrews 11 is honestly incredible... so many tough people that just got going... They all struggled, you want the stories on those just read the old testament. but they never gave up...
I guess what I'm trying to say... Even someone who's ok. Even miss "got it all together", even someone that has claimed Jesus as her best friend... even she has a hard time... even she doubts... I do, alot... God and I have good talks about it... but the devil will find a chance... and he will push his way in. don't ever loose hope that God is reaching out trying to push the devil out of the way. but you have to decide who your going to help... Look for evidence for the truth... cause when the devil gets between... his evidence is going to have more force then God's who's farther away and throwing it through obstacles... just be ready for Gods and I promise you, you won't miss it...
God Bless guys <3
Please pray for me.
The week has just begun and it's already a nightmare...
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst for righteousness: for they shall be filled
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake
Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
Rejoice, For it is through trials that we are blessed... For through trials we can understand the truth.
Friday, February 28, 2014
So it's been awhile since my last post. I guess lots has kind of gone on, and nothing has actually gone on. Busy doing a lot of nothing. As per usual. But one thing that has been going on is an Essay. 10-12 pages of My philosophy of leadership and My personal leadership styles and qualities within the context of Adventure Based programs. Well with no where to start, I've decided to take several tests and quizzes online that help identify my leadership styles. Learning really cool stuff! Not necessarily learning about myself, but learning how to embrace my style. I did a quiz on strengths a month or so back and that one definitely made a few things click.
My top 5 strengths, (k, so I was kind of surprised, but I know some of you reading won't be... I had just never thought of it....)
3 Leadership Styles
My top 5 strengths, (k, so I was kind of surprised, but I know some of you reading won't be... I had just never thought of it....)
Spirituality, Sense of purpose, and Faith
Perspective (wisdom)
Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty
Curiosity and interest in the world
Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness
Those reading this and having read a few back, probably won't be surprised that Spirituality is #1 eh??? I'm not going to lie, I was. Mostly I'll admit, I never really thought of it as a strength. It makes sense, and as the description says... my beliefs shape my actions and are a source of comfort.
First test that I've taken today directed toward leadership... "Psychologist Kurt Lewin identified three major leadership styles." My leadership style
Participative Leadership
"Participative leaders accept input from one or more group members when making decisions and solving problems, but the leader retains the final say when choices are made."
Yup, pretty much the way I like to run things. As a leader, my job is to lead the people. If the people don't give me their opinions... how am I to know how to lead them? One of my pet peeves... people expecting me to make all the decisions without letting me know their thoughts. Now I understand why I get so annoyed when people just tell me to decide things. I will decide, but I want to know all the options, and I want to know what their opinion on the matter is.
2nd test...Your Leadership Legacy
Top 3 results...
Experienced Guide
Ambassador
People Mover
This one I found interesting. I guess I always viewed these three as leaders. I think the Experienced Guide is the one I've always viewed as a good leader, Someone very old and wrinkled, with the experience that comes with age. Someone that's always got the answers, and viewed as a wise old owl perched on a tree waiting to share wisdom with those who will listen. Well I'm certainly not old and wrinkled. But I'm not going to lie, I'm honoured to have received this as my top legacy. The description of this legacy is as follows: "Experienced Guides don't have to be old, or necessarily experienced. What they do have to have is an ability to listen, and to put themselves in others' shoes. They have a way of helping people think through their own problems; they are natural therapists." it continues but you get the point. anyways, with this new information I have that says I'm an Experienced Guide... I can't wait to be old, and look the part of the Experienced Guide! Gray hair and wrinkles... bring it on!
Anyways, I guess my point in all of this. People go through their whole lives trying to figure out who they are, what they enjoy and not understanding why people can't see it, or how as a leader they may go through trying to lead and not understanding why their followers don't listen.
I know you can do a million quizzes and it's not going to solve all those problems. You can't learn who you are through tests. Tests are sometimes inaccurate. (I hope the legacy one is at least mostly accurate I like being Experienced ;) ) But I would definitely encourage you to explore some of these tests. I'll put links for you to follow if you want to see some of your leadership styles. I find it's not the tests themselves that help you grow and learn about yourself... it's what you do with the results. The tests simply help you put into solid words who you are and how you operate. It helps you understand better your strengths, your weaknesses, and it helps you learn to build on your strengths, to embrace them. And to focus on how to work around your weaknesses by grabbing others strengths. That's the reason I believe God said "it is not good for man to be alone" Partly for companionship, partly to love. But also to learn from each other. He's given each of us strengths, and all He does is ask us to let Him build us to be even stronger. He places people in our lives to show us where we are weak, to show us where we are strong. And He puts people in our lives that we can learn from. To grab a hold of their strengths and either build our own, or learn to defeat our weakness. Taking these tests can also give us a list of other's strengths and styles, so we can understand them, but also so we can learn to look for the people in our lives that can help to build us. I'm not an advocate, or a creative builder, sometimes a truth-seeker. But because these aren't my styles, sometimes I forget I need the people who have these strengths. I say my way is right and yours is wrong. But by understanding the different styles, I can have a better idea of how to balance their way and my way in order to have an effective inter-dependent relationship that says lets do this our way. Because our way, usually works the best.
3 Leadership Styles
Strengths Test
(this one you need to set up an account, there's 2 strengths tests... a brief one, and a long one (VIA strengths). believe me... the long one is long... I didn't take the brief one but I hear it was more difficult to be accurate, but gave the same results. but... the long one is long... make sure you take it with no distractions... or have time to spare...
Leadership Legacy
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