Hey guys,
So I was trying to remember if I'd posted this or not... so if I did I hope you don't mind hearing it again ;) I just didn't want to read through my last dozen posts to see if it was part of one of them.

Well here's my story for the weekend...
A couple months back at church I heard a fabulous sermon. But at the time I didn't realize quite how relevant I would soon find it to be. I'm sure we've all heard a sermon or 2 about prayer... it's importance... and how we should pray more often and more honestly. Well I've always had a pretty good prayer life. My devotional life can definitely use some work but hey we can't all be perfect ;) Even I'm still a work in progress... But prayer has been something that I've been pretty good @ being consistent about... It doesn't take any extra time... (unless you spend special prayer time, which I'm going tell you now... 1hr devoted to just praying sometimes seems like the most boring thing at first... but by the end of the hour... it's hard to let it end.) You can pray any time, anywhere, you don't need supplies, and you don't have to worry about. Prayer is about having that best friend with you... 24/7, walking beside you and sharing everything with them. But back to the sermon and it's relevance...

(Now as I continue do forgive me... I took some notes on it and I was just looking for them so I can use quotes and specific verses... but alas I do not recall where I put my notebook... )

The pastor talked about prayer and some of it's different forms. he talked about how you can stop everything and just pray... He talked about how you can pray anytime, anywhere, no matter what else you are doing during the prayer... But the part that I found most intriguing was the part about how there are times when you really just don't have the words to pray... sometimes you just can't. And yet the bible says "pray without ceasing" so if there are times that you just can't "pray" does that mean your not good enough for God? No... it doesn't. I just means that your human, sometimes we don't have the words, we just don't know what to say...

Now here's the part about me understanding the relevance. For those consistently reading my blog I'm sure you've gathered by now it's been a rough summer. This past month I've hit the point where I just don't know what to pray about anymore... Nothing turns out even when I think it's been lead by God... I can't find the good in any wrong turn... and I just don't know what I need to pray for... I mean obviously we want to pray for wisdom, strength, courage, guidance at all times... but that leads to a prayer of "Lord give me wisdom, give me strength, courage, and guidance in this rough time." hardly a prayer that lasts long enough for a prayer that doesn't cease. I can focus on what I'm thankful for, but half the time I don't even know what that is anymore, but to pray without ceasing with a broken heart and soul gets hard.. the feeling just hasn't been there. But the truth is, it doesn't have to be. You don't have to feel like praying, you don't even really have to pray...

If you make prayer less about what you have to do, or even about what he does for you, If prayer is about having a relationship, or a connection... Let your heart do the praying. I'm pretty sure the heart doesn't get every wish and dream into your head. Sometimes the brain is just a jerk and gets caught up with the facts and misses the simple truth. There's an episode of Star Trek DS9 about that... well kind of... but I thought of it while typing that so I'll explain :P
A group of genetically enhanced humans were brought together and ended up calculating the chance of success from the Dominion threat. Turns out 90 Million people will die and the Dominion will succeed in taking over anyways. So they decide it's better to surrender now, let the Dominion take over, and then let a revolution rise and take over and be free again. People will still die, but not 90Million... I think it was closer to 20Million... so significantly less... But to keep it short... They were going to unite with the Dominion and help speed up the inevitable and lead the Federation to their quick defeat. Unfortunately they couldn't even calculate the chance of 1 of their friends stopping them. It took 1 person and her faith in humanity to stop them.
The point is... Sometimes it's not about the facts and what conclusions those facts may mean. Just 1 person, 1 moment and those facts can be proved wrong. Sometimes our heads forget that... But I don't think our hearts ever do. But when our heads have lost all hope, sometimes we need to trust our hearts and realize that there's always hope... There's always a prayer to be prayed... There's always answers to be found.

So when you get stuck in a rut like I have and you just don't know what more to say... Just keep your heart open to the connection, let it do the talking for you... Anyone who's had a best friend knows... Sometimes help doesn't come from talking about anything, it's just about the connection and the company you keep in the silence.

For about a month I had a hard time praying, and it made me feel miserable... How can I call myself a Christian if I can't even pray to Christ... my best friend... But the truth is, He reminded me of that sermon, It's not about what I say, what I do... it's not even just about the incredible things He does for me even when I can't see it or understand... It's about the connection that we have. And thats a freeing realization... Cause as much as I hate to admit it... I don't have it all together, and if I held on to prayer being about something He does for me... I'd probably stop praying pretty quick. not because He stops doing things for me... but because so often... I have no idea what He's done for me, I get caught up in what I'm missing and forget to be thankful for what I have...

So I'm happy to say, at this point in time, I'm a broken and beaten individual... but I haven't been defeated... My heart's still praying, my head is starting to be thankful for the simple things again, but the connection will never be broken, and I know that more now than I did before