Ok... so I've been gone for a while... but at least for tonight... I'm back... Alot has happened in the past year, So here's a quick rundown since.... February....

February: Realized I really did like my best friend and I could no longer deny it...
March: Started dating my best friend. :)
April: Boyfriend had to go home for summer :(
May: Summer Classes... Survival - Lived in a stick shelter with a jug of water and a knife for 3 days... Navigation - Hiked around a mountain twice trying to find our pick up spot.
June: Practicum
July: Scotland!!!! (Purely vacational. :) )
August: Work and hanging out with my best (female) friend
September: Boyfriend came back :) School starts
October: School... Relationship... Terminated... :(
November: School...

And here I sit after another night deep in thought trying to make sense of my life... Well here's what I've come to the conclusion of...
Dating advice - Dating your best friend... best decision of your life. Definitely sucks if it doesn't work out... But so worth it while it lasts...

Dating my best friend definitely had it's downfalls... hard to get over all those beautiful girls he's been interested in for years... hard not to feel at least a bit jealous. even if your so much more awesome and so much better for him and you both know it. ;)
Ups... Easy to talk to someone you've been talking to for years already, Comfortable??? Totally, you've been so close so long it almost seems like nothings changed... only gotten better...
Downs... When it's over... He can no longer be your best friend... You gotta let go...

Reasons we broke up...
Honestly... I don't know... I've got a million theories about that but hey, he dumped me and I'm just a little bitter so whatever the reasons in my mind... they're going to be kinda skewed at this point...

Spiritual life before dating...
Pretty good
Spiritual life while dating...
Getting easier, and harder... I guess probably just different, Feels better when you've got someone who believes what you believe, helps keep you accountable and encourages you to live the way you know you should be living... But sometimes I guess harder to remember to go to God first not the boyfriend... But it was so nice to remember not to just ask for help but to be so incredibly thankful for everything in my life, boyfriend obviously, but friends, family, school, life, finance, everything...
Spiritual life after dating...
Honestly... foggy, my professor had us pic a picture from a bunch of them around the room to describe how we felt our relationship with God was... my picture was on a river, there was a small piece of land on the left side of the page with the sun shining down, in the distance behind the fog was some mountains, but it was hard to see anything beyond the small sliver of river at the bottom and the land with the sun on the left because there was so much fog... thats the picture I chose... but more on that in a bit...

Future before dating...
Set for 10 years... Pretty crazy, not living in the same place more than a couple years, but I had a plan and I was going to work to get there. It was going to be lonely and I kinda just wanted to settle down... but life's short and there's no time to settle down when things have to be done. Thats where God's leading me, but it's not completely the next 10 yrs I'd like to see, but it's pretty cool and it's going to be a wild ride and with God, it'll be awesome so bring it on!
Future while dating...
Wow... totally not going to be the next 10 yrs I was expecting... Is it really God's plan??? So many amazing options, all very similar but so many variations. I have someone to go with me, someone that has all the skills I lack, someone who's skills I can compliment, was definitely worried that I deviated from God's plan. after all, I was so incredibly sure that my last 10 yr plan was God's plan. but this new one sounds just as amazing, gets me the same goal, lets me do the same things I want to do. and frankly... Helps me get to where I'm going easier, with more organization, and in ways that I can do more than I'd ever imagined possible...
Future after dating...
I guess back to original 10 yr plan... Alone, Hectic, Crazy... Amazing??? If that's God's plan, definitely... But am I as excited now??? Nope... and truthfully... refer back to "Spiritual life after dating" for how I feel about the plan now... the future is nothing but a big lonely fog...

So I guess your probably wondering my point... Well I guess here's my point... For anyone reading this who really wants to know what I'm thinking... and for anyone who feels completely confused about their future and the rest of their life... Let me go back to that picture of the fog...

Scenario 1
The River... Life...
The Mountains... The Final Destination
The Fog... My future
The Land... My position
The Sun... God's presence.
K, so when I first saw the picture... I was like yeah, thats the one... but I didn't want to pick a dark gloomy one so I went around and looked at all the pictures... yeah, thats the only one that stuck with me... I feel like the fog has rolled in and I've got no clue about how to get through life to the future... I feel alone, I feel deserted on an island... But the great thing is... Though I can't physically give him a hug or talk to him and get a loud audible reply... God's shining his warmth into my life regardless... I may feel lost and alone... But I know He's there and He's ready to keep me company through this journey I'm on... I know He's got a plan and I'm content to just wait out the fog and see what the future holds...

Scenario 2
The River... Life
The Mountains... The Final Destination
The Fog... My Future
The Land... My starting position
The Sun... Hope & Peace
Ok... so your probably thinking... sounds pretty much the same... well here's where I throw something new into the mix... When I picked that picture... I found out that picture was taking just a month ago... It was taken on the canoeing field trip... Funny thing is... everyone else in my class was on the trip, but not me... So now for the rest of the scenario
Canoe... My Path
Person in the front... Me
Steering from the back... God
Definitely a bit different eh??? So I've been thinking a lot lately... and here's my conclusion.. When I was dating... My boyfriend was in the front of that canoe, but instead of a fog, there was endless opportunities, the sun was shining, God was steering from the back, and I was in the middle ready for any adventure we experienced, ready to do what I could to help, or to simply cheer them on... But now... he's jumped out of the boat, He's decided we're on different journey's and left God steering from the back, and me in the front... the sun has disappeared behind the fog, and instead of endless opportunities... well I guess there's just a fog that God's going to have to take us through cause I can't see my way out... It's nice to have his company, but after having a full canoe... it's feeling a little empty... All I can do is keep paddling, keep trying to do my part to get us through the fog, and realize that whether or not I have someone to help us out... God doesn't need someone else to help us out, and if He wants someone else back in there... He'll make sure he finds his way... Yes, I wish I could get the same canoe partner... maybe God just needed to send us on a detour and we'll find each other again on the other side of the fog... but I'm not going to wait for it, cause maybe it's not just a detour maybe our paths just got to cross for a few months... so right now... I'm just going to keep paddling... God knows where we're going, He knows whats beyond the fog. And I know that anything He's got up his sleeve is going to be amazing.

Lord, Thank you... 
Thank you for the opportunity to have an amazing few months, full of people who have changed my life, people who have helped me get closer to being the person I want me to be, and people who I believe have helped me become more of the person you want me to be. 
Thank you for being in the back of my canoe always, no questions asked... 
Thank you for shining your light, your warmth, and your comfort to the core of my soul so that when people ask if I'm ok... I can look at them and say honestly yes... not with pure joy, but with confusion as to how on earth you have kept me from being a complete wreck...
Thank you... For having an amazing plan around every corner. 
Thank you... That even though it comes with bumps and turns... You're helping me grow to be a better person, a better christian, and closer to the person you want me to be... 
Thank you... 
From the bottom of my broken and bruised heart... 
Thank you... 
Kimmy <3

Guys, I just want to encourage all of you reading this, Go to counseling. Like I'm not saying you're all crazy :P I'm just saying, I went in for counseling the other week and I think it was pretty good. Counseling isn't for crazy people. Thats psychiatry. (ok, also not always just crazy people, but larger problems than counseling) If you're having a hard time, I would suggest a counselor. A good one won't tell you what to do, if they do tell you what to do, you should probably find a new one. Just sayin, but a good counselor will help you find the answer in yourself. They've been trained to help you search for the truth. Warning, a super good counselor will pick up a lot of unspoken things. And you might start talking about deep issues you didn't even know you had. That's not a bad thing guys! But I need to put a disclaimer, if you're going to counseling and you feel like they ruined your life after 1 session... you need to go back!!! the first session doesn't heal, it finds problems that need to be worked on. So often, you'll leave feeling worse. But if you go back, guys you can find so much healing. anyways, thats my rant for the evening encouraging people to support my future vocation ;) God Bless

Ever sit back and wonder...

What am I doing with my life?

Ever sit back and tell yourself

Stop thinking of such thoughts when you know there's no answer for them. 

Ever wonder what it would be like to have a life full of purpose? A life where you never have to ask yourself.

Am I doing enough? Am I truly being the person I want to be. The person God made me to be?

So here it is... I've been thinking a lot lately about the meaning of life. the meaning of love. The purpose of life and love. The reason we exist. I guess as I sit here currently typing this up I feel pretty stupid. Because my next words were going to be, there is no answer for such questions and I need to stop feeling like an answer needs to be found. Well here's the thing. There is an answer. Do I know fully what it is??? No. not at all. But I will tell you one thing I know where to find it. God gave us the answers in his Book. Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. (for those of you that missed it... The Bible) Yes I'm right, I need to stop focusing on the reason, the meanings. I need to remember that isn't the most important thing to be focusing on right now. But then that leads me to ask...

Why not? What is the most important thing I should be focusing on. What could be more important then solving the question of life, love and purpose? What else is there?

Well maybe the problem isn't in the question. Maybe the problem of my focus needs to be less meaning and more purpose. cause honestly what does love mean? somehow the idea of love and life as a noun absolutely boggles my mind. It doesn't make sense. How can you comprehend the true existence of something that simply is. How can you comprehend life and love. Perhaps we should look at it less as a noun and more of a verb. What does it mean as a verb? It becomes an action. Love would then become the action of loving. Being so filled with love that nothing else matters. Only Love. can you imagine and endless action of Love? Because thats what I picture when I think of love as a verb. Something that never stops. sure I guess love can stop. But then was it truly love in the first place if it can stop? Now what about life? in ancient times a person lived in order to be remembered. Names were passed on through the family because they believed they could preserve their life, by preserving the name. What is a name? Could it be that life could be defined through what is? A name doesn't mean a whole lot. Perhaps we could go and classify it as a verb as well rather than a noun... But lets not go too in depth with that... I'll be up all night and never get anywhere... So if life, can be preserved through the passing on of a name, could it then be considered a legacy? Not simply the breath inside of you. But it becomes more than that. It becomes what you are. What people see of you. What people see in you. What gets left behind. Probably one of my favourite songs is Legacy by Nichole Nordeman.

I want to leave a legacy 
How will they remember me? 
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough 
To make a mark on things? 
I want to leave an offering 
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically 
And leave that kind of legacy

So if life is the action of leaving something behind. And love is the continuous action of giving and recieving love. (Right now I'm honestly imagining something more like fire just burning continuously... Something like a blizzard with snow flying without an end... You insert your vision...) maybe the purpose in life is to leave love. How incredible could all that be? If you want to live forever... What could be better than leaving behind an endless legacy of love. Maybe I haven't answered what any of my original questions... But if you want better answers... Don't ask me, because you know I'm still learning. All of what you read, I thought of it while I was typing. But if you want real answers. Ask the one who gave the questions. He left behind a book for us to read in order to answer the questions. He is love. He is life. He is.... You know it's cool how when asked who He was, all he said was

I Am

Kinda leaves it wide open... Like something that never ends... Kinda like my new idea of love, or even life. He leaves it open so that it never has to end.

Love is..... 
Life is.....
God is..... 

Things I've learned from my parents...

Dad
- Always keep pickle lovers near when you order a burger.
- Even though you may not want to... It's a nice thing to share your most precious Kit Kat with someone you love.
- Sometimes Trigonometry doesn't make sense until you need to build a house.
- If you're going to do something, Make sure you do it right. 
- And sometimes life isn't about making lots of money, or doing favours for rewards. It's about Showing people you care about them in the ways that you can.

Mom
- Life's too short to worry about being graceful... Make sure you wear shorts under skirts, at all times!!!
- When your car breaks down in the middle of no where... Sometimes it helps to pop the hood and look helpless.
- When you get bored... Math puzzles always help to pass the time :)
- When the neighbors across the street are being super loud and obnoxious... Prayer really does work.
- Sometimes people don't need to be judged, they just need to be loved.

So tonight I went to the vespers program at my college. Now I don't get to as many as I would like to anymore... by the end of the week its sometimes just nice to sit still with a blanket and some tea or something with my roommate. but I got to go this week and let me tell you it was the best vespers I've ever been to. (Ok, I may have said that at a couple and I'm sure I probably have. but this was definitely top 5 worthy) anyways... not my point... well here's what went down...
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Started with a song, Beautiful Song, Come thou fount I think??? 


Had a wonderful missions pitch. If any of you are interested in helping out Global Enrichment Foundation is doing some amazing work. and for those of you here in Canada, we're getting rid of Pennies eh??? well they are looking into taking all the pennies that you will no longer be able to use and just 1 role of pennies will be able to buy 1 meal. Really a neat and simple idea. look them up guys. They're definitely working towards a better world.

We had more Songs, and let me tell you they picked pretty much all my favourite songs... Yes, I know I say pretty much every song is my favourite song... but you know there really are ones that will make my busy crazy life just peaceful and complete. well those are the ones they did today.

First Sermonette was a story of how God saved her life as an infant. She should at the very least have scars, but today she has nothing to remind her but memories and a t-shirt from the Children's Hospital. Her testimony is to show that we can choose to be like the 9 lepers that were happy but didn't say thanks, or we can live our life as the 10th leper and do everything to honour and praise our God. That He has plans for our lives, to be thankful for the life that we have. Because although we wouldn't know the difference since we'd be dead... We are alive today for a reason and we need to live our life to show that and to say Thanks. 

2nd Sermonette was probably the one that really got to me... A former Student Missionary told her testimony and some great stories... "My Worst Character Trait" and then she went on to tell us about Saul and Jonathan in Samuel 14. and how Saul's worst trait, was courage. Jonathan's was stupidity (ok not the point but if you were there you'd fully understand). But because Jonathan did something bold God rewarded him. because whether it's God's ultimate plan or not, whether Jonathan was going to die or not, Jonathan did something bold because He knew that God could win it with or without his help. It would be done. Because of God's power, not because of him. Well she went on to say, Do we believe that God can do anything??? or are we focusing on our problems and saying yes God can do anything, but He can't do that because I'm like this, He'll have to figure out a different way... 

Part 2 of the sermonette... she told about her experience and how throughout her year of missions she literally had to pray every moment to just survive until the next. and how now that she's back in North America, it's not a neccessity. It's extra, it's a last resort, it's forgotten. And you know thats how I feel right now to. I spent the summer either in tears, or in prayers allowed or in silent prayers. It was the only way I would make it through. But now I'm back to a routine life where the hardest part is an essay here and there, and paying my bills... Prayer is something I miss. It's become something I'll get around to. I miss the days knowing it wasn't by my strength that I was getting through. I miss the days where I had to rely fully on Christ. I knew then that I was a christian and that my life meant something. But these days it feels like I do nothing but get in the way... How is God going to use me with all my flaws??? but you know what... we don't need to settle for mediocre. Mediocre is when we try to do things on our own and say God thanks for having a good day.  Why don't we aim for Bold, aim for better than Mediocre. If we are praying for miracles when there's nothing to have a miracle about... Then He can make a miracle come out of nothing. Isn't that something we should be striving for as Christians??? Better than Best??? 

So... as always, I don't know how much I've said about any given post on here. But I don't think I've said much about my roommates, but today I want to talk about my roommates. (which is maybe a dumb idea cause my roommate has potentially just found the blog though if she has she didn't tell me yet :P ) But it's mostly not about her anyways. Anyways, I have one roommate that we have some difficulty with. She's great, truly, loves God, cares about her friends to a fault, and is so incredibly generous that sometimes I honestly feel like a jerk. But she's super scheduled, particular, and sometimes she just doesn't get it. Well the rest of us are so crazy, unscheduled and sporadic, that sometimes I wonder how she puts up with us. Well one thing I will say, I can have some of the best spiritual conversations with her. and I won't lie, I kind of like it. She's the kind of person that hasn't heard alot, and you have to be careful what you say, because although everyone wants to convince everyone that what they believe is right, you have to be careful that you are giving them room to believe it themself not just taking your word for it. Anyways, after we got the kitchen cleaned, we played with the bubble wrap. It was all in all a pretty good day. now I get to go spend some time with my other roommate and my "roommate" who doesn't live here but does. :) My prayer of thanks for today... Lord, thanks for Bubble wrap.

Also just a cool thought I just had, I was listening to a sermon at church one day. And the guy said that his worships aren't scheduled, except for first thing in the morning, all he does is say "Lord, show me something amazing." Well I don't always think of it first thing in the morning, but thats become my goal, and today when I had time to think before I went to class this morning I said those same words. And this afternoon with my roommate has been a pretty good answer to that prayer. It was simple, but it was still amazing and for that Lord I'm thankful :)

So this is what happens when I can't sleep and even Emmet Cahill isn't singing me to sleep... Kimmy thinks enough to remember, hey, I've got a blog to waste my time on ;)

So it's been bothering me for awhile, and perhaps I already blogged about it. But I feel useless... like, I've got a job, I go to school, I've got friends to talk to, friends that talk to me.... But honestly, none of them really need me... ok, yeah there's a couple that have no one else to talk to... but seriously, what am I doing for them??? Nothing, everyone in my "circle" feels left out, there's really no one thats been left in, and I suppose I could put more effort into bringing them all together, but whats the point??? I've given up caring just enough to let them all have their own lives and if they want me around they can ask... But when we do get together... what's it like??? talk about movies, talk about school, talk about each others relationships, flings and break ups... There's gotta be more to life than that. I feel like life has become nothing more than media and bringing people together. What happened to philosophy??? What happened to the depth of life??? I feel like I lack purpose, I feel shallow in every aspect of my life.

I hope there aren't too many people that are in my position... and yet, I hope there are. Because I think the world could be a better place if we talked about what we believed in. Values, Morals, Biblical thoughts and encouragements. And hey, I'm guilty, I don't know what to talk about anymore. And when I run out of things, I can pretty much guarantee some good conversation over the latest Hobbit Movie, or Episode of the Big Bang Theory... but why can't we be able to guarantee depth of conversation with those around us???