Wow guys... so, it's honestly been a rough weekend and night... Today's Tuesday... Well I don't know whats happened to me this weekend and so far this week... Don't remember what I posted in my last blog... but I decided last week to run for Social VP for our Student Association. (as if I don't have enough to do already right???) Well we'll see what happens, because it was so last minute and there's another person running I'm not expecting to get the position, honestly I hope I don't... but I have also talked to the SA about adding a new position, basically communication between Lacombe and CUC, getting the town connected, let them know we exist, letting students know about the opportunities available to them in town. I really think it's time to join forces and build a community... I really hope I don't get Social VP, and that they add this new position that I can potentially fill instead. Anyways, that was last week, this week I have to make posters, and get elected :P I also have a 10 page paper due tomorrow morning that is no where near done (I know I know... go do the paper!!! honestly I'm ready for bed and it's not going to get done today... so I'm just going to get sleep so I can function tomorrow... but I have to let you know a little bit of whats been going on with me...)
Anyways... so you get the idea at least half the idea... that it's been a stressful week since actually exactly a week today is when it got crazy... Well that's just the tip of the ice berg of the stress right now but we won't worry about that right now...

I've been taking part in a series called "The Passenger" Its teaching us about our attachment styles, and right now we're basically looking at whats happened in our lives up to this point, (To be very, very clear... Not as excuses, not to blame, not to victimize ourselves... but to understand. It's what we don't know about our-self that hurts us)  and how we've reacted and protected ourselves, and looking at the way we attach to people in our lives. Well I've learned... I'm the avoidant. The turtle. Completely the avoidant style. Essentially that means I view myself as Ok. I am loved, I have what I need. I am ok. I view everyone else... (Please don't take offense to this guys...) As not ok. Essentially, I can handle my own problems just fine, I don't need to burden anyone else with them. Sounds about right eh??? Yeah... well I'm avoidant. Shelled off from the world as a turtle. But seriously, between God and Mr. Monkey, what more do I need??? I handle stress well. When the world comes crashing down I know what to do. I skate, I walk, I take time for just me. Now all that sounds great eh??? Well let me tell you guys a secret... On one hand, yeah it's great. I'm ok, and I don't need anyone else to make me ok. I can do it on my own. Well... me and God can make sure I'm ok. But here's the secret... I'm not as ok as I like to think, as ok as I can convince myself I am. The avoidants... yeah they are ok... but they are empty. we know there's gotta be something more than this life of emptiness... some kind of companionship... Someone around that can handle the problems. Not because we can't... but because it gets lonely holding the world together on your own.
*Now I feel the need because I know people who are going to read this and come back and talk to me about it later... for you guys. I need you to know. I'm also an introvert. If you come and try to fix all my problems in one night, I'm going to implode... as in, I'm going to hide deeper into my shell and you may never see me again. I really am ok, (and I'm not just saying that because I'm an avoidant.) I'm just stepping out of my comfort zone, and saying. Being completely closed off, isn't healthy. So I'm letting you guys know. This is a rough week... I need your prayers... Like seriously... I NEED your prayers... the Devil's hitting hard. So if you talk to me about this post later... please just let it be to say your praying...*

Ok, so now we'll get closer to the point of why I felt it necessary to blog in the first place tonight...
I have never in my life... honestly doubted the existence of God...
I went for a walk after work tonight... and I don't even know what started it, but at some point either driving to my walk, or right after I started walking... I burst into tears. I've been in tears or close to all weekend... And when I say tears... I mean... like John 11:35 tears... Jesus Wept.... well don't spread the word too far cause it could ruin my reputation... but... Kimmy Wept. and I started thinking... What if there's nothing more to life, what if Jesus was a fraud, what if... God doesn't exist. Oh my goodness guys, if you've ever thought of it with half the seriousness that I did tonight, I'm sure you can relate... I felt an emptiness I've never felt before. Well... I prayed, "God, I know I've asked for this before... and I know you didn't give me a sign, you reminded me that I was being ridiculous and that it wasn't a need it was just a spoiled brat wanting a miracle... but right now... I need something... I need a miracle. Because honestly... I don't know that you exist. What if I'm wrong??? What if your a lie??? What if my entire life is a lie???" "..." "God... I don't think you understand... I'm honestly serious... please give me something... because this world is honestly looking dark, and it's not just because it's night and the moon is hiding... it's empty... it's quiet... it's lonely... I feel completely alone..." somewhere in my thoughts... I'm here... "Lord, I need you to be audible. I need you to be real... because what if I've gotten so used to the lie, that I tell myself your talking when really... it's just thoughts... my thoughts... the ones that say what I want them to say..." somewhere in my mental mp3 player ... You are God alone... From before time began... "Ok, all these songs are great... but if your a lie.... they mean nothing... I've listened to these songs so many times... I've heard the words you speak so many times... I've repeated them time and again... but I've never honestly heard them from you... what if it's all just a lie... What if I really am completely alone... I always thought I had You and Mr. Monkey... but seriously... Mr. Monkey??? he's just a monkey!!! stuffed!!! with polyester!!! he's not real!!! Are you just a fake like he is??? In fact that would make you more fake than He is cause he at least is a stuffed animal... tangible. if your just a fake... your not even tangible..." Guys... here's where it honestly got scary... I felt completely hopeless... lost and alone... What is there to live for... God is my everything. God is love. If God doesn't exist... Love doesn't exist... If love doesn't exist what is there to live for??? Other people??? Whats the point??? The only point is that if they know I've given up... they could end up hopeless like me... at least if I can fake it... they can believe there's hope... they can live a happy life believing in a dream... But really... if love doesn't exist... then what does it matter if they live a happy ignorant life... Now about this time... I decided that being avoidant is probably not the best option... So I decided grudgingly to send a text to a friend...
"I really need a prayer..." "Ok... Let's pray Dear God...  I pray that you will bless Kimmy hold her close... Let her feel Your love overflow her... Help her to bring her focus back to You ... love her big bunches Father n fill her up ... We thank you for Your unending love amen." Now, usually this would be a great prayer... but I didn't feel anything... Nothing but more emptiness and a realization that if God doesn't exist... that prayer is a waste... But something popped itself into my head... something I haven't thought of for a while... I don't remember the exact quote... But essentially... The devil attacks hardest those closest to God. the quote always upset me... because the devil wasn't ever attacking me... I always thought I was close... but obviously... not close enough, not enough of a threat that he felt it necessary to attack... But I realized... If God does exist... So does the devil... and the devil is looking for anything to put between us. I was stressed because just a day or 2 ago I asked God to completely take over my body, mind and spirit because I couldn't handle my day any more... God's my best friend... If He's real... how can I even doubt that He is... but what if I just have an imaginary friend... Either way... my faith and my God is important to me... and it's important to other's in my life... so I texted 2 friends this time, the same one and another... "The Devil is hitting hard..." I've never felt such an incredible separation between me and my best friend as I did tonight... it's scary... it's lonely... When the devil hits... he hits hard... well friend #1 replied back "Well he is strong but your Father and your God is bigger than satan could ever dream. Sometimes we tell God how big our storm is and other times we tell the storm how BIG our God is." you know she's right... This whole time I'd been trying to tell God about the incredible weight I was carrying, about the incredible emptiness I was feeling, about the complete loss of hope that I was experiencing... well you know what... if God does exist... I guess it's time to tell satan how big my God is... So I did... I cried... I yelled... but I told Satan to get behind me... to get lost... to let my best friend back... You know, I don't believe God pulls away... I honestly believe at times of complete darkness... satan has found a crack in the door and pushed himself in... he's found an opening and will stop at nothing to get between God and us. tonight... satan wasn't letting God get to me... and honestly... it scares me how serious the battle can be... friend #2 finally replied... (honestly thought she'd gone to bed so wouldn't reply... but she replied) "Remember that our God is stronger. Ask yourself, 'What is the truth?' We tend to look for evidence to support the lie before we will look for evidence to support the truth. I am praying for you." Truth... what is the truth??? the truth is... God has been with me all my life. He's been there from the day I was conceived to the day I couldn't even see his existence. The truth is... God is bigger and stronger than anything. Truth is... I can't imagine a world without Him. even when I doubted... honestly, truly doubted... it didn't make sense... It was like telling me that a banana grows in the ground like a carrot... I just couldn't wrap my head around it... believe me I tried... but the more I tried... the more... hopeless things got... I've never felt more out of control of my actions, thoughts, and my life in general as I did tonight... It's only because God wouldn't stop shouting through the darkness that I was able to hear enough to keep going... I really did just consider laying down on the sidewalk and sleeping in the middle of a cold winter's night... There just was no point...

But you know what... Faith is believing in things you once knew to be true. I pray you never have to feel such complete hopelessness as I did tonight... But I know many do. honestly, there's times I really do feel pretty hopeless... but for me I know I've always got God and He always gives me hope... tonight though... the devil hit hard... but 2 things I learned...
Sometimes we need to remind the storms... How big our God is.
- The devil may hit... but God will fight back...
We need to ask ourselves... what is the truth??? and look for evidence to support the truth... not the lies...
- The evidence is there. All over the place... It took me 30 seconds to remember a million times when I knew God was there. and that He was real. It took me longer to convince myself that I was right, and that I wasn't making things up... but the evidence is there.

I read over Hebrews 11 tonight... Guys seriously... there is some gold in them books... The amazing things that God has done in people's lives... just because of the faith that they had. "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." These people didn't see God, they didn't know He was there... but they had faith... as the story goes, Daniel sat in prayer for days waiting for the angel's to show up... when they got there he asked what took so long... turns out they were wrestling the devil trying to get through... It's incredible the battle that is going on around us... every single day... I can't wait to go home guys... Cause this world... it's not my home. I'm just a passing through... I pray that I can be like Enoch... So incredibly close to God... that God just took him home. But unfortunately... I think there's only going to be one Enoch... so till then... let's just keep the faith... When the going gets tough... the tough get going... Hebrews 11 is honestly incredible... so many tough people that just got going... They all struggled, you want the stories on those just read the old testament. but they never gave up...

I guess what I'm trying to say... Even someone who's ok. Even miss "got it all together", even someone that has claimed Jesus as her best friend... even she has a hard time... even she doubts... I do, alot... God and I have good talks about it... but the devil will find a chance... and he will push his way in. don't ever loose hope that God is reaching out trying to push the devil out of the way. but you have to decide who your going to help... Look for evidence for the truth... cause when the devil gets between... his evidence is going to have more force then God's who's farther away and throwing it through obstacles... just be ready for Gods and I promise you, you won't miss it...

God Bless guys <3
Please pray for me.
The week has just begun and it's already a nightmare...

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst for righteousness: for they shall be filled
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake
Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. 

Rejoice, For it is through trials that we are blessed... For through trials we can understand the truth. 

So it's been awhile since my last post. I guess lots has kind of gone on, and nothing has actually gone on. Busy doing a lot of nothing. As per usual. But one thing that has been going on is an Essay. 10-12 pages of My philosophy of leadership and My personal leadership styles and qualities within the context of Adventure Based programs. Well with no where to start, I've decided to take several tests and quizzes online that help identify my leadership styles. Learning really cool stuff! Not necessarily learning about myself, but learning how to embrace my style. I did a quiz on strengths a month or so back and that one definitely made a few things click.

My top 5 strengths, (k, so I was kind of surprised, but I know some of you reading won't be... I had just never thought of it....)

Spirituality, Sense of purpose, and Faith

Perspective (wisdom)

Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty

Curiosity and interest in the world

Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness

 

Those reading this and having read a few back, probably won't be surprised that Spirituality is #1 eh??? I'm not going to lie, I was. Mostly I'll admit, I never really thought of it as a strength. It makes sense, and as the description says... my beliefs shape my actions and are a source of comfort.

 

First test that I've taken today directed toward leadership... "Psychologist Kurt Lewin identified three major leadership styles." My leadership style

 

Participative Leadership

"Participative leaders accept input from one or more group members when making decisions and solving problems, but the leader retains the final say when choices are made."

 

Yup, pretty much the way I like to run things. As a leader, my job is to lead the people. If the people don't give me their opinions... how am I to know how to lead them? One of my pet peeves... people expecting me to make all the decisions without letting me know their thoughts. Now I understand why I get so annoyed when people just tell me to decide things. I will decide, but I want to know all the options, and I want to know what their opinion on the matter is.

 

2nd test...Your Leadership Legacy

Top 3 results...

 

Experienced Guide

Ambassador

People Mover

 

This one I found interesting. I guess I always viewed these three as leaders. I think the Experienced Guide is the one I've always viewed as a good leader, Someone very old and wrinkled, with the experience that comes with age. Someone that's always got the answers, and viewed as a wise old owl perched on a tree waiting to share wisdom with those who will listen. Well I'm certainly not old and wrinkled. But I'm not going to lie, I'm honoured to have received this as my top legacy. The description of this legacy is as follows: "Experienced Guides don't have to be old, or necessarily experienced. What they do have to have is an ability to listen, and to put themselves in others' shoes. They have a way of helping people think through their own problems; they are natural therapists." it continues but you get the point. anyways, with this new information I have that says I'm an Experienced Guide... I can't wait to be old, and look the part of the Experienced Guide! Gray hair and wrinkles... bring it on!

 

Anyways, I guess my point in all of this. People go through their whole lives trying to figure out who they are, what they enjoy and not understanding why people can't see it, or how as a leader they may go through trying to lead and not understanding why their followers don't listen.

I know you can do a million quizzes and it's not going to solve all those problems. You can't learn who you are through tests. Tests are sometimes inaccurate. (I hope the legacy one is at least mostly accurate I like being Experienced ;) ) But I would definitely encourage you to explore some of these tests. I'll put links for you to follow if you want to see some of your leadership styles. I find it's not the tests themselves that help you grow and learn about yourself... it's what you do with the results. The tests simply help you put into solid words who you are and how you operate. It helps you understand better your strengths, your weaknesses, and it helps you learn to build on your strengths, to embrace them. And to focus on how to work around your weaknesses by grabbing others strengths. That's the reason I believe God said "it is not good for man to be alone" Partly for companionship, partly to love. But also to learn from each other. He's given each of us strengths, and all He does is ask us to let Him build us to be even stronger. He places people in our lives to show us where we are weak, to show us where we are strong. And He puts people in our lives that we can learn from. To grab a hold of their strengths and either build our own, or learn to defeat our weakness. Taking these tests can also give us a list of other's strengths and styles, so we can understand them, but also so we can learn to look for the people in our lives that can help to build us. I'm not an advocate, or a creative builder, sometimes a truth-seeker. But because these aren't my styles, sometimes I forget I need the people who have these strengths. I say my way is right and yours is wrong. But by understanding the different styles, I can have a better idea of how to balance their way and my way in order to have an effective inter-dependent relationship that says lets do this our way. Because our way, usually works the best.

 

3 Leadership Styles

http://psychology.about.com/library/quiz/bl-leadershipquiz.htm

 

Strengths Test

(this one you need to set up an account, there's 2 strengths tests... a brief one, and a long one (VIA strengths). believe me... the long one is long... I didn't take the brief one but I hear it was more difficult to be accurate, but gave the same results. but... the long one is long... make sure you take it with no distractions... or have time to spare...

http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

 

Leadership Legacy

http://www.yourleadershiplegacy.com/assessment.html

So, the other day I was sitting in class and something the teacher said sparked some thoughts, Well since I realized I was doing more thinking than listening I decided to pull out my journal and start writing. Sometimes I focus better when I can get the thoughts out in a physical and linear mode rather than trying to control my scattered thoughts and pay attention. So I'd like to share a bit of what I wrote with you guys, cause it was a mind blowing, humbling, and absolutely wonderful gift God gave to me.

How often do I actually focus on non-verbal??? Honestly... MIND BLOWN!!! Wow... I actually feel kind of like a jerk... My body language is probably more often than not... a sign of disinterest.. Not because I am... But usually it's just because I have bad focusing skills. (I have a habit of occupying myself with something while talking to someone, I focus better when my hands are busy and I can give them the attention they deserve. [teachers comments - Communication is 55% non-verbal, 38% tone of voice, 7% words themself] So although I personally know that I'm paying more attention... my non-verbals are very much communicating otherwise.) What would communication look like if I set my needs aside and worked to focus on others needs... Wow... I'm so incredibly selfish it's not even funny... (How many times do I expect people to cater to the way I am, when I can so easily work on making myself better so I don't spend more time explaining myself than I do listening...) .... How many times do I only listen to half of a request??? When I'm complaining about people repeating themselves... How many times is it because I haven't shown them I've heard... I say I've heard... but how much non-verble communicating has told them otherwise??? How many times have I actually heard??? 

I feel like I'm growing @ hyperspeed right now... Is it because I'm so far behind??? Or is it going to kill me because I am shifting from a focus on me to a complete focus on them? 

Lord, I am letting myself be selfish for a moment... why do I have to strive to such perfection??? (why do I have to be the one constantly making myself better, why can't they do more to help me out??? I feel like I'm the one doing all this work to cater to the rest of the world... Why can't we meet in the middle??? I feel like I'm always listening and not being listened to...)

Here was His reply...

Kimmy... I ask you because I love you. I want to to grow to be as me... Did I ever ask people to listen to me??? Yes, Did they listen??? No, they didn't. I preached and they did not listen... I asked them to stay with me... They fell asleep... I know it's not easy... Believe me. I know. But I'm asking you to put yourself truly aside... Trust me... I am here. When you need me I'll be there. Kimmy, when will you learn, I'm all you need. I know I seem to be asking alot of you. To put everyone else's needs first, to become completely selfless... But I am preparing you for something special. I am preparing you for a special work. There is such a need for selfless people... I call many, but few follow... Once you can learn to follow... I can show you others who have decided to follow. I want you to have the best... But I need you to be ready and deserving of it.. Kimmy, I love you so much Why is it so hard to see??? The closer you come, the more people to encourage and strengthen you I send... Why do you insist on holding on to what you aren't happy with when I'm taking you from content.. to fulfilled??? Do you trust me??? Are you ready to let go of trying to find fulfillment and let me fill you??? 
Kimmy??? 
Yes Lord??? 
Trust me... 

Wow... let me tell you guys... That hit me like a ton of bricks... Cause He's right... I spend so much time trying to make the here and now what I want it to be, that I won't let go and let Him lead me to a place where I belong. Since I decided to take this year for Him & I, let me tell you He's blowing my mind... It's hard because there's times I feel like I'm going through this incredible journey, a process, that is going to change my world completely... and when I look at where this could take me... it scares me, so much... Because who's going to be there when I'm done. But the truth is, it's a journey that never ends. And the more I trust in Him, the more support I find. I've gotten more emails from family then I've ever gotten before, and not just wimpy talks of "how are you?" "oh I'm good how are you???" like, real talks... The talks I've longed for. The more I reach out to Him, the more I'm willing to reach out to those around me for support. I am so blessed. I feel like I've come so far in these last few weeks then I've ever come in my life... And you know, He hasn't taken me out of my circumstances into better ones... He's made my circumstances better ones. My relationships with family and friends are stronger, more fulfilling. and no matter what... I know that if I keep trusting, if I keep moving forward... He's waiting there with more blessings to give me as I learn to care for them. They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle... I think that applies to blessings in a huge way. He can give us all the blessings He has... but if we aren't prepared for them, they end up as curses or worse yet... things that seem interesting but we don't appreciate them, they aren't a trial to learn from, and they aren't a blessing to help you grow... They just sit there in your life as extra junk to get in the way. Let me tell you, this is going to be an exciting year... If God keeps pushing me as much as He has in less than 1 month... God only knows how far I'll come in a year...

God Bless my friends <3

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/why-you-should-have-more-one-significant-other Just something cool I wanted to share

Labels... Boxes... We've all got them... We've all been put in a box, We've all put others in a box... But really... What does it accomplish??? Why do we do it???

Lately... I've been squished into so many tiny boxes I feel claustrophobic and stuck. What are my boxes??? Disney, Princess, Purple, Music, Fun-loving, Perfect, Lazy, Crazy, Unmotivated, Outgoing, Shy, Quiet, Talkative, disorganized, childish, serious, busy... The list could go on... And how do I feel about it??? I have no idea... but so far... I feel stuck, I feel claustrophobic, I feel like I can never be what I want to be... because I have to be what I've become...

Now are boxes all bad??? No! I would definitely say they aren't. I've been placed in boxes with labels such as "goody-goody," "fun-loving" "responsible" "carefree" "music" and honestly... some of those labels have kept me going... being labeled a goody-goody I was faced with much less peer pressure then others simply because everyone assumed my answer would be no and I didn't have to face the decision myself. Rock on! Sure it made me feel like an outsider at times, but people still knew I had boundaries and didn't bother pushing them. Being labeled care-free... People admire you, they want to know your secret, it helps you live up to what you've been labeled, to remember to let it go, not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Music??? Helps remind me there's something special that God gave me. Sure there's people better then me at music, and there always will be. But God didn't give me the talent to perform music, He gave it to be such an important part of my life that my life become's a song of worship, to let my worship burst forth and to bless those around me. And when at times I forget... it's nice to have someone remind me of the label's that God's given to me...

But what about the other ones... Right now... honestly, my biggest pet peeve is purple and disney... it seems like thats all my life will ever amount to. Because no matter what happens... Everyone will be assuming my label is concrete, that all my colour choices will result in purple. That I will forever be a disney princess, that spoiling me, will bring me great joy in life... But guys... it's killing me... Every time I hear the words Kimmy and purple together... I cringe... Every time I am told about the newest disney movie or a funny new meme... I die a little inside... We put these labels on people... We stick them in a box and we don't... let... it... go...

Ok, now here's where I make a confession...  I don't know how to change it... It stresses me out, it bothers me, it kills me... But what am I doing about it??? Nothing... Why??? Cause I don't know how... Why do we put labels on people??? Sometimes because we admire them and put them in a box on a pedestal... Sometimes because they are so blatant about their love for something... Sometimes, because we emphasize whats important to them... Sometimes, it's simply because we've been doing it so long, we've grown up being taught to put people in boxes, they've been passed on from generation to generation and it's simply the way we are. But what does it accomplish??? Sometimes... it encourages someone to live up to the person they once were... Other times... it encourages the strong to break out of the boxes and the labels and create new labels and boxes, to encourage one to look deep inside and determine what is important to them and how do they really want to be perceived. Sometimes it simply encourages us to pay attention to the boxes people will put us in... But in general??? I've seen it destroy so many people... Convince them they are what they are and there's nothing they can do about it. I've struggled myself time and time again arguing with myself, that it doesn't matter what others say or what boxes I'm put in, I can get out. Whether they choose to keep looking through the box to someday realize I am gone... or whether they choose to accept that the box is not where I live, it is simply another piece of furniture in my house, thats their deal... But time and time again people try to shove me back into that box... and time and time again I listen, I let them push me back because it's simply easier to sit quietly in a box then to fight over and over again for people to see past the box.

Are you guys stuck in the boxes to??? Do you find yourself pushed between boxes??? Maybe pushed one box inside of another??? Like me do you choose to remain in the box because it's simply easier, or because you don't know how to get out??? Have you accepted your life for what it is and refuse to change it??? Maybe you've been in the box so long you forget the world is fresh outside, you've brought pillows and cookies into the box and frankly... whats the point in getting out??? Well guys here's the deal... I think I've posted this song before... but I'm going to post it again... Because I think it's so important to be able to choose the boxes we live in... This has been one of my favourite songs for as long as I can remember... But it's also super discouraging... Not exactly about labels... But how will you be remembered??? Will you be remembered for your boxes??? Or will you be remembered for jumping out of the box and being yourself outside of the boxes???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9e_JF7FgzA

"I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moths and rust, thieves and such
Will soon enough destroy"

Are the boxes we choose to live in simply boxes that will be destroyed and destroy us??? Do they uplift us or bring us down??? Guy's we've got a God that doesn't believe in boxes... He takes fishermen, and makes them preachers, He brings sinners, and makes them saints... Do we live in boxes set for us by man??? Or do we take it to the next level and see people for the boxes they break out of and the life they begin to live??? Do we encourage people to break out of the boxes we put them in... Or do we tell them to forget the boxes and live the life God has given us??? There's a fantastic children's story called You are special about a puppet named Punchinello, Who's been given label after label... the Wemmicks give good labels, and they give bad labels... But one day Punchinello meets the woodcarver that tells him that he is special not because of a label, but because the Woodcarver created Him, and loves him. The story ends with neither the good labels nor the bad labels sticking to Punchinello because He wasn't worried about labels, but he was worried about living the life given to him instead. Sure the good ones are nice and can bring people up... But they only reach so far... Their still a box... I wish to live my life outside the box. To say I am special not because of a label, but because of the one that breaks the boxes.

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me? 
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
Who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy... 

A legacy of God's love and mercy, of His goodness and His story. Not my own miserable life of boxes and labels. A life outside the box, a life that when I start to get comfortable God takes my box and turns it inside out and throws it away.

GOD IS GOOD!!!

 Its WISE week here. Week In Spiritual Emphasis. And after my lest couple blogs I bet you can agree it couldn't have come at a better time. Its our student lead WISE, theme is... "Their story, Your story, My story, His story." Truth is every testimony comes back to His story doesn't it.... Its all about God leading and being active in people's lives. Stories from Jonah and a trip to the dentist, to Moses and a bus driver showing the way to Jesus. I have truly been blessed folks. But tonight....

 Tonight's service started with Balloons... now for some of you, please don't judge as I continue... song service, we blew up balloons and joined the leader up front, poor guy is having a hard time finding leaders and being the middle of a long week he wanted Balloons and invited us to have a "praise pit" our rendition of a mosh pit... some might say we are getting a little sketch with a "praise pit" in the church... but to see the faces of believers coming together in celebration of the creator of the universe... guys it was amazing. Blessing #1 the faces of Gods people in worship and celebration. Amen...

 Then a beautiful song about giving our lives to follow... I will Go. I will give up my life and I will go. Blessing #2 complete surrender Praise God...

 And the sermon goes.... John 15: .... I am the vine, and you are the branches... but those who do not produce fruit will be cut off and burned... great... encouraging... if we aren't producing fruit that's it, we are cut off... guess I better produce fruit... but do we have a master-servant perspective??? I better keep the commandments and please God. If I don't I lose my master's favour... or do we have a friendship with God??? One that says. There shall be no other God before Me. Great!!! Hallelujah I have a God that loves me more than anyone else could ever imagine. Why should I let something come between me and my Saviour??? Remember the Sabbath day and keep it Holy... a whole day??? YES!!! A whole day to relax! A day to spend with Christ. 24 hrs to get to know our saviour better. He asks for 24 hrs away from the usual to show what He can do with time. To show us who He is. How Awesome is that!!! Blessing #3 God is looking for a friendship with us because through His blood He cleansed us. How can we possibly want to do anything but obey Him for the rest of our life???

 Blessing #4 God... He is, He was. And He is coming... How awesome!!! How incredibly exciting!!!

And hey, as I type this... I am again reminded that God wants His love and Wonder proclaimed to the world... our internet hasn't been working for at least a few hours... but as I come to a close... guess what started working. :) Blessing #5... God will make His word known to all... God Bless!!!

Goodnight friends.

Today has been a pretty good day. (So I'll warn you now... This is going to be a long post!!!) Actually, this has been a pretty good week. Now let me tell you a bit about my week… So… my last post on Saturday night, I told you about my new relationship right??? Well here’s a bit of an update… Sunday, I woke up so gung ho about the whole thing that I had a mission, because I knew I was going to fail super quick. (Give me 1 day my motivation is gone, my memory of the commitment is gone, and I’ll end up making myself feel like an even bigger failure simply because I’m human and I’m weak and I’m still working on getting my priorities in order.) Anyways, I decided I wanted something to take with me, something that I could wear or have on me at all times to remind me of my commitment. Well, the only thing I could think of was a necklace. My last relationship I had a necklace, and it meant a lot. I don’t wear jewelry often but my bf had a good argument. “it’s not jewelry it’s a symbol of my feelings for you.” Haha k, so not a great argument, but I went with it. Doing long distance it was nice to have a reminder that he was still close. Well I didn’t know if I wanted Jewelry and when people asked about it to tell them it’s from my boyfriend. “O.o umm… ok???” Weirdo… Also being an SDA jewelry isn’t exactly the first gift you’d think God would give someone… it suddenly becomes an excuse to wear jewelry and that’s not what I’m looking for… But I prayed about it a lot… “God, you know what I’m looking for.” Truth is, I really did want an excuse to wear a pretty snowflake or something, but I didn’t want to admit it… Anyways, stores in town were closed… go figure… So I took a trip to the city 20 min away. I needed some adventure and a break from studying anyways, so I took the morning just me and God and my mission. Well as I drove, I prayed some more… “Ok, so I’ve got $10, I want you to find something perfect, something completely me and it’s going to be from you. And I’ll know when it’s the right thing because it’ll be perfect and under $10 ok???” “Really Kimmy???” “Yup, it’s just you and me God and I need a reminder of that, cause once this week starts you know I’m going to slack off eh???” “Do you trust me???” “Of course I do.” “Are you sure??? Why is this necklace so important to you??? You know people are going to ask about it. What are you going to tell them Kimmy???” “Umm… I’m going to tell them it’s from you…” “Will you really???” “Ok… it is going to sound pretty dumb isn’t it… Ok, and honestly… your right… a necklace probably isn’t the best option is it… Hmmm… I think it’s important to me because I want an excuse… And why not???  A necklace is a good symbol isn’t it… and it’s not something I’m going to forget about super easy, it’s kind of there, around my neck… Ok ok… What other things can I get… Any ideas???” “Trust me…” “Ok, I’m going to walk around and I’ll look… Let me know what the plan is k???”

Well I walked around the mall… I couldn’t find anything, I was starting to get a bit discouraged. Am I really doing the right thing??? Why is God making this so hard??? "God whats the plan???" "Trust me" "Can you send one in the mail??? It'll be waiting for me when I get back??? Is that the plan???" "Trust me" What could be His plan???  Hmm… a pencil. I could get a pencil. Pencil’s are what every man should propose with anyways right??? Haha good times… But seriously.  Diamonds are made from Carbon, which at one time is what pencils were made of… (long story guys, if you don’t get it… we had a long talk about this on my birthday one year…) I should get a pencil. But I don’t use pencils… I guess I could get a pen… I know it's not made of lead so that argument is invalid... but it's going to be used and isn't that the point??? Something to remind me of my commitment, something that'll be with me always??? I went to staples, and I found a pen. Guess what... there was a beautiful silver and gold one... On sale... for $9.96 :) Exactly what I wanted. I was still feeling a little discouraged, but I knew I was on the right track. Blessing #1 ~ God gives us help and lets us know when we're on the right track... AMEN!!! 

But the story doesn't end there... <3 

Driving home I thought about it more... I realized the real reason I wanted a necklace... was because of my other one... Bad news guys... I lost it... Once he came back at the end of the summer I didn't need the necklace to remind me or anyone else that I was in a relationship, I had the real thing to remind me. So the necklace got set aside. At some point... I lost it... And I felt terrible!!! Here's a symbol of our relationship and I lose it... Gone... vanished... seriously do I not care at all??? "Ok... calm down Kimmy." Just because I misplaced it doesn't mean I don't care. In fact, the last time I had it before I realized it was missing 5 days later... I put it somewhere... "safe" when I went on a field trip. Came back and I have no idea where that "safe" place is... I didn't tell him for months... I finally told him and I felt like a jerk, but he said it was fine and dumped me shortly there after... ok, not the reason he dumped me. But here's the thing... It has been haunting me ever since I lost it... 4 months it's haunted me... Everytime I walk in my room where it should be... I think maybe this is the day I'll find it... well... since my relationship ended... it became, "maybe if I find the necklace it will still be a symbol, maybe losing the necklace was a symbol of the end... maybe if I find it the relationship can be restored..." "maybe I need to accept that they are both gone." "maybe" "what if" "Will I find it today??? Will he be back tomorrow???" It's been haunting me more and more each day... And each day I tell myself that it's just a necklace, it doesn't determine the future of your relationships. It's just a necklace. And it's gone. Well God helped me see that it wasn't just because of my commitment that I wanted a necklace. It wasn't just because I was wanting to use this as an excuse... I was obsessed with the other necklace and I needed something to help me let go of it. And maybe if I had a necklace from God it would take the place and help me let go of the past and move on with the future. But I don't need something to help me do that. I've got God and thats all that matters... Blessing #2 ~ God grants revelations <3 

Got home, had a few things in my car from my past relationship, just ended up in there and kind of became part of the car. Well they're out. I brought the shells in and put them on my "history shelf" Letters got brought in for the purpose of burning them and getting them out of my head and out of my life. I put my new pen with my other pens... realized I still had past boyfriends pen. It's a really nice pen, there's a reason I stole it and didn't give it back. "Kimmy let it go. when this is over and your other pens run out you can use it again. for now, you've got my Pen you don't need another." "But God it's such a nice pen, one of those cheap ones that comes in a pack of 20, but writes so nicely." "Kimmy, stop making excuses..." "They're not excuses... it's just a nice pen.." "Kimmy... Do you trust me???" "Yeah... I think... Ok, your right... I'm doing this your way. It's gone." I put the pen on my "history shelf" Grabbed my lighter, put it in my coat pocket with the notes, first chance I get I"ll burn them. "Ok God, we're doing this your way. Cleaning out everything. Even if I don't feel its necessary your probably right. Well... your always right... but I probably do need to just take a break even if it seems pointless. and the necklace??? Can you just help me find it today... Today while I still remember it doesn't mean anything. Just so I can put it away and not worry about it???" "Trust me" "Ok, your right... it's gone and I don't care. Ok... I care a little bit... but I shouldn't care. Cause I'm trusting you." Blessing #3 ~ God cleanses

Well... Sunday ended, Monday went through, felt pretty miserable actually... Already my focus was school not God. Already my focus was unmotivated and tired. Already I'd fallen back into life and couldn't seem to remind myself of my new commitment. "God help me, I don't know what to do..." "You've got this Kimmy, Trust Me." "Whats the point???" "Trust Me." "Ok..." Well I tried... I tried so hard. But my motivation was just slacking, I just wasn't having a great day... I think it was a good day in general... but emotionally... I felt like a failure. I felt like I was letting myself down. And worse yet... I was letting God down... Tuesday was my birthday. I have some pretty great friends I will not lie. We met up at Subway, that was my big party lol college students for the win ;) they sang to me in the store... everyone was amused... then homework, work, you know the usual... And then I got to come home to cake!!! My roommate made me a fantastic chocolate cake with a special oreo filling... delicious!!! But oh so sweet... small pieces are good, but my piece was a big super sweet piece. Well I was already silently saying "Thanks God, I needed this, everythings going to be alright, I just need to take it one day at a time and not get discouraged when I'm having a hard time" "Kimmy do you trust me?" "Yeah, I think I do. :)" Well here's the grand finale for the night... My roommates had brought in the mail, and I had a letter!!! From a dear friend. She had sent me a Christmas present and it found it's way to me for my birthday. Just in time. I opened it up to a snoopy card that sings and dances, pretty spectacular. But the best part of all... There was a necklace. "Lord.... Thanks...." "Kimmy I love you." "I know you do..." "Kimmy I'm not giving you this gift because I think you need it, I'm not giving it to you because you need a replacement for the last one. I'm not giving this to you because now you have an excuse to wear it. Kimmy I'm giving this to you, because I want you to trust me. I want you to always remember who I made you to be. You see the pendant??? I know it doesn't have a snowflake like you asked for, it's got a treble clef... Because I made you to have music in your heart. I made you to be a blessing to others. I want you to remember forever that you need to trust me. I want you to remember your creator, I want you to remember that I made you special. And I love you very much. I want you to remember me. Kimmy... do you trust me???" ".... Yes..." Blessing #4 ~ God cares. You may think things are trivial, Things may truly be ridiculous. But God cares enough to answer even stupid requests when you trust Him. Blessing #5 ~ God's timing is always the best. Had I gotten the card a week earlier, It would have just been a gift from a friend. Even sunday or monday... I would have considered it a gift from God... But it would have been an answer to a selfish prayer... Guys by waiting until tuesday for that gift to show up on my table... God helped me see how ridiculous I was. He helped me say yes, I trust you. not because of what you give me. But because I know your way is the best. On tuesday. It wasn't an answer to prayer.... It was a gift to say "I love you." 

Now I'll try to keep it brief. But today... I've been wearing the necklace. I burned the notes... Took me awhile but they're gone. Finished burning the last one while I was walking to my car after work... Finished cleaning everything out. This girl is moving on. Well I cried... all the way home I cried... So I stopped at the Outdoor Rink. One of my favourite spots and I haven't gotten to go for awhile, but my skates were in the back and nothing was stopping me... So I got out and skated for a few minutes in tears. I skated for a few minutes in prayer. I skated for a few minutes with Jesus. "Trust me" "I do..." Guys I had the best time on the ice tonight... So much so I couldn't wait to come back and blog about it... I started singing, Power of your love, Refiners fire. Change my heart oh God... All the good ones... But here's the one that stuck... 

When I hear my favorite song 

I know that we belong

You are the music in me

Yeah it's living in all of us

It's brought us here because 

You are the music in me

For those of you that don't know it as well as I do, and can't place it after reading the lyrics... It's from Highschool Musical 2. "You are the Music In Me" Because I don't believe there's such a thing as religious music, and secular music. I believe there's church music and non-church music. This song has always been one of my favourite songs about God. He made me, Me puts the music in me. When I hear my favourite songs... I know that we belong. Because He is the music in Me. Guys if we aren't singing praises 24-7 there's something wrong. I thought about it today... I'm glad He didn't send a snowflake... Yes I love snowflakes, and they always make me smile... But how much better is a musical symbol to remind me that not only does He love me, but He puts a song in my heart. That I can trust Him to write my love songs, I can trust Him to remind me who I am. I can trust Him in everything. Blessing #6 ~ He is the reason we exist. He is the reason we are. He is our reason. We need no other. 

Lord, Thanks <3