How many of us get stuck in the past??? Well I can say I'm probably one of the worst when it comes to moving on with my life. I look at where I am now... and all I can remember is who I used to be. and at this moment... who I am sucks... I'm lazy, unmotivated, holding grudges, upset at the world, can't go for a walk without getting into mental arguments with everyone, not interested in anything productive. if you've read some of my other blogs... You'll notice there's some things I really enjoy. Being outside, having fun, being with friends. Those are things I love to do. But these days... I'd almost rather sit on my couch feeling sorry for myself. I have classes evenings or work evenings... so by the time everyone else is free I'm busy... but does that mean I couldn't try to make time??? I have nothing to do in the mornings, so does that mean I can't work on my hobbies or go for a walk??? instead... my life, is more of a stay up all night watching movies and sleep in all day, do my homework the night before it's due just before I finish off the night with another episode of Star Trek...
The thing is. I know what I need to do. I've got a list of goals for each week that I want to do. It's a simple list. started out as 3 push ups, 2 sit ups, 1 devotion, and 1 email to a family member. I know to some of you. that may sound ridiculous. but think about it. whats 1 thing you want to do. something that you know will help you grow mentally, physically, spiritually??? the problem with many goals, we start so big. for ex. most people would say, in 1 week I want to do 20 pushups. great plan. much more likely to do you good than 3 push ups right??? Well for me. I really want to exercise more. it's something I feel is important and will help me grow. however, if I have to look at the week and do say 5 push ups a day every day... it's not going to happen. as much as I wish I had the discipline... I don't. so when I fail to do 20 pushups a week... well then I'm going to get discouraged and soon I'll be doing no push ups... so if I start with 3... well I can do 1 a day if I want. or do all in 1 day if I feel motivated... when I've gotten to the point where I'm succeeding in my goal, maybe I can add a couple. in my case, I doubled my pushups... 6 a week... Unfortunately... I was feeling pretty good... then I doubled the pushups and... well... I slacked off and forgot about it... and maybe thats part of the reason I'm beating myself up about things... again, I started goals, and they were going so well... but lately I've been getting lots of words and messages that are telling me to start reading my bible... well devotions was on my list remember... well I haven't done that one once... I know better, but I'm so busy feeling sorry for myself and what I've become, what used to be. and I think it's become my addiction. you know how some get addicted to drugs... well my addiction is self pity and laziness... however, it's one of those things I need to just smarten up and do. I know that. but I don't feel like it. Trouble with the world today... we live on feelings... God gave us brains for a reason... and yet we won't use it...
Anyways, for those of you also struggling with an addiction, or with a choice that you know the right answer to... Good luck. Pray for me peeeps... I need it... mostly I think I need a wake up call... but I also think God knows I'm waiting for it and knows it's not necessary...

So, I guess I don't really know what I'm about to start posting, but here goes...

I guess I want to start by saying my life is becoming a mess. A bitter mess that I no longer control. Can I control it??? yeah probably. Do I want to??? Yes and no. Truth of the matter is, it's become an addiction. To have a truly messed up life. I don't remember what I've said in previous posts, but since my last "boyfriend" and I parted ways, I've been... well to put it plainly... screwed up. here's a couple of my biggest fears in life...
1. Spiders
2. Being wrong
3. Being so incredibly stubborn that no one can ever get close because I won't let them.
4. Being replaced
Maybe someone out there can relate to even 1 of these fears... Some of you may think I'm ridiculous for having Spiders on that list. but I tell you they are out for my blood I tell you. but k, I guess your wondering what my biggest fears have to do with being screwed up eh??? well here's the thing... When we split. I was the one that ended it. After it ended, I hated myself for it for a long time. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me. Why did I let him go??? Well now I can look back and say, yes, he was definitely part of the best thing that ever happened to me. And I truly believe God put him in my life. I think God knew I was so stubborn that I needed some serious drama to get my brain thinking and dealing with issues that needed to be dealt with. Did God want me to go through something that would screw me up??? No. He knew I needed help and He gave it to me. the problem was that I dealt with everything wrong. I let myself get more attached then I should have. I let fear get in the way of fully dealing with it, and the devil came in and messed up something meant for good, and pushed it to add some evil. ok...
fear 3.... me being stubborn... well, I've generally been a difficult case to crack. I trust well, but if you want to get past the initial layer of trust into me letting go and being with someone... it takes alot... thats where we ended. he was getting through, and it freaked me out. and I let him go.. Do I regret letting him go??? No, well ok, in all honesty, a little bit. I know it's a good thing we're done, but that doesn't mean I don't regret it just a bit. But mostly, I regret the way it all happened, I let him go because I freaked, not because I knew things wouldn't work.
Probably my biggest fear, is number 4. Now when I say 4... truth of the matter is... it is my biggest fear. Being replaced. Now I know they say "you are irreplaceable" and "there will never be anyone like you" but when you've moved so many times and seen your best friends get new best friends and continue on with their life... it's hard to feel like your truly irreplaceable. I know, I know, I'm one of a kind, and to many people I'm special. But how many can truly say they will never love someone as much as they do me. And yes, I'm aware of the fact that it makes me super selfish to want to be loved like no one else. Now here's the thing, if you've got a best friend... I don't want to be your best friend. I want to be one of your good friends. But I want a special place in your life. Now, here's where the screwed up part of everything comes into play... when I terminated our relationship... it was December.. I felt like a jerk, I felt torn apart, and I was wounded. I tried to forgive myself, but it was super difficult. but by August, He'd found himself a beautiful blonde. Everything I heard about her reminded me of myself. Loved by everyone, loves similar things I love. if anyone could fill my shoes... she had done it. In every way imaginable... Another girl came to the school, and now I wasn't there because I was in a different country for the year. and this other girl was also very much like me. those I was closest to, became her good friends. If anyone could replace me... she would do it.
Now I know, this probably sounds like a whiner rambling on about how much her life sucks... well you know. it does. But who's fault is that??? my ex??? my friends??? the ex's gf??? the new girl in town??? No... alas I have no one to blame but myself. my world is spinning out of my control. But all I have to do is smarten up.
Here's my life as of now... do my hw??? yeah, on time I guess. spare time??? Star Trek. relationship status??? leading the boys on, desperate to be loved and come out as anything but the loser from my last relationship. friendship status??? I've found a best friend. One that needs me, One that I need. Someone that won't replace me so easy, and one that things I'm ridiculous. Spiritual Status??? well how many times did you hear me talking about relying on my faith??? on my God??? yeah, once, and that was when I was talking about the past. truth of the matter is... I know He can figure out how to smarten me up. but I also know He's not going to just respond to my whims, and let me keep sliding through life uneccessarily... My life in relative terms, is not so bad. But it could me much better, if I smartened up and let go of my addiction to being miserable. if I let go of the pity parties and woe is me's...

It's funny how one person can say something and completely change your mood... It's worse when it's something you know they are excited about and it's something you dread more then anything at that moment.

Here's the situation. Won't go in great detail, but then again... who knows what I'm about to write... I was having an off day, well lets be honest... it's been a rough couple of weeks, today just wasn't getting any better. I had to run all over campus trying to track down important papers that were suppose to be delivered. Apparently our mail system isn't up and running just yet so no one really knows where the box of mail ended up. Oh joy. I've got homework to do, a field trip to pack for, I have no job, no money, and I'm stressed about a test that there's no way I'm going to pass. Though good news... if I don't pass the test, I don't have a field trip to pack for. Though that also means I don't pass the class, and I don't get to graduate. so I made it through the morning. Went to my class, went from driving someone to supper, to not driving them to supper, to oh yeah, I'm driving them to supper. Had people cancel for supper, and you know, none of this would bother me... but hey, it all came piling on one day. (ok... calm myself down as I just let it vent...) I've realized nothing is the same anymore, all my close friends are either gone, or our paths never cross, it's almost harder being back with them then it was being away. Well I guess here's where my day made a turn for the worse... My ex is now planning to be on my field trip. there's 4 of us in the class, he's the teachers assistant and so he's coming along so the teacher has a canoe buddy. wouldn't be a problem, I'm over him and I thought I could even spend time with him. But everyone's been so annoyed with him lately that I think it's rubbed off on me, and... it's now 4 boys - 2 sets of best friends. and me. as the only girl, and the only non-best friend. I'm just starting to feel like I'd be completely ok with not going on the trip that I've been looking forward to for 2 yrs...

Have I prayed about it???
not nearly as much as I should have been. I'm also starting to feel like a failed Christian. I feel like I should be able to just accept that the world is changing. Accept that friends come and go. And just roll with the punches. Maybe if I started praying more everything would come together. maybe if I read the bible I'd find the answers. But I'm struggling. And I'm trying to reach out to God. But I feel so miserable that I don't know how He can pull me out. But I know He can. So I'm going to try to keep going. Please pray for me.
Sorry this doesn't come to a happy ending tonight... I'm still trying to find mine...

Hey guys... I just have to share how God is working in those around me today...

So I mentioned yesterday that I'm at a School for High-Risk kids... well... they have a punishment called Social that basically, you do something stupid... you get put on social, you can't talk to the other kids and your kind of in isolation even though you might be around everyone... Anyways... 2 of our older girls have been on it... 1 because she ran away, the other because she was suspected of trashing the principals desk and hiding a machete to use to kill her later... Pretty intense stuff eh??? Anyways. we had a House Council. Basically all the girls came together, sat in a circle, and we talked about issues...

The girl who ran away, has been here 2 yrs already and they haven't been able to get her working on her problems... Today she started opening up... Definitely greatly prodded by the staff, but she got talking. She's been Sexually Abused in her past. She feels it's her fault, She's scared her mom won't believe her. and Right now she's obviously filled with Fear and Shame. But she's started talking :) Step 1 in motion. Praise God.

Girl 2... This is where the excitement truly came in. Evidence was piled all around this dear girl... But she wouldn't confess, and she started getting very Defensive and angry. We started talking, she started getting upset. We changed direction. She talked about the abuse she's experienced. Grew up in Ethiopia, Father Beat her, Stomped on her head, Mom choked her, Tried to suffocate her with spices and blankets, but never to the point of death. She eventually told her mother what she would like to do to her mother... Mother got scared enough to send her and the siblings to an orphanage... There she continued to be abused, physically and sexually. Eventually she was adopted by a family in the USA. But by that time no one knew what to do with this violent, girl that would imagine all sorts of horrible ways to kill people. So the story brings her to this school. The principal reminds her of a mother figure, the one she desperately wants, but because of her past experience with her mother she can only look at her with resent and anger. At some point in the evening we broke for supper, and then returned to eat, and continue trying to get her to confess. She became so defensive and angry that she started getting in peoples faces and yelling... at this point the little girls were becoming scared and so staff held them close. She eventually escalated so much that she exploded. The staff remained calm, the young girls cried softly, and finally after minutes of yelling at everyone and threats, she broke down at some point with "I just want my mommy" to which the principal ran in and held her tight. Finally... we could leave and go to week of prayer. After the WOP meeting... we gathered around and she wanted to apologize for her behaviour... Let me tell you. This is an amazing Girl. She has an incredible strength that I hope she will use with God's help to begin her healing process, and to grow closer to Him. She wants to follow Christ, But she needs alot of prayer, and alot of healing. All week I've been talking with her as she shares verse after verse that she knows, that she treasures, and that she desires to live out.

These Kids have amazing backgrounds. Some perhaps more traumatic then others. But all have the same desire. To know love, to be healed. They just need desperate Help and a whole lot of prayer.
Please keep these kids and so many like them in your prayers.

Ok... So I guess tonight I'm in another thought filled, (don't feel like putting the computer down to sleep...) moods... More I think I just had a friend try to find this blog... (I haven't really told anyone I  know about it... till tonight... I haven't even told her the link ;) ) and so I looked through to see if there was a post I would be more sketchy about letting her see... Not cause I've really got anything to hide... but what if I forgot that one thing... about that one time... that I don't want her, or my friends seeing whats truly behind the face they see each day kind of posts... wow... I could totally do another post on that... hmm... maybe someday I will...  but back to my point...

I ran across my first blog... and in it I said I would share some dreams, that can't be completed on my own... Well here's what I want to tell you... Right now (in my last blog) I told you about that school I'm at right now... I'm visiting cause thats what I want to do with my life. Well before the summer began, I had come up with a dream, a dream to start my own school in my area. Well... for anyone that is a huge task... for someone that lacks motivation in doing anything, that is lazy and not the take charge kind of person... it's ridiculous to even dream such a thing... but I tell you what... I went to work at camp. and I had 1 friend draw me up a suggested floor plan, suggest materials to make it cheaper, offer to come head the building project and honestly... if nothing else... encourage me and help me realize... I've got a good network, I won't be on my own. I came here... I've seen how it's going, how it started... I've realized... yeah it's going to take work, obviously... but I really think it's possible... I've faced the students... and broke down in prayer so many times this summer... just to say, "Lord, if it's just me today, I'm not going to make it. Thank you for giving me the strength to face today." I've said as I look to the future. "Lord, This is going to be an incredibly challenging work I have set ahead, come with me, because I can't do it alone." and I feel completely at peace knowing, that He's right there beside me. Giving me the friends I need, the networks that I need, and He'll continue to take care of everything, from staff, to finance, to the legalities and beyond...

Moral of my tale??? Never be afraid to dream big... I've seen 1 person change the life of many because she had the dream to raise money to build schools... You've heard stories maybe even seen it first hand someone that had a dream to build churches or schools and you've seen how many lives they've changed... If your dream isn't impossible... It's not big enough. If you want to make a difference to someone... Figure out what you really want to help them with, and do it. I wanted to give people hope that there is something better. that there is someone to help, someone to be with them through everything. I've figured out that the best way I can help them... is to teach them. Whats your goal??? Is it something you will need to lean on Christ every moment to complete??? If not... start dreaming bigger. Because half the blessing is knowing Christ brought you through. I know I haven't been through much, but I've been through enough to know that when God is my strength... there's no better blessing.

Lord, thank you for bringing me through so many trials this summer to help me realize what an incredible blessing it is to know that it was by your strength alone that I can keep moving forward.

So... I haven't written for awhile. I've been all over the place this summer, and online blogging was not one of them :P

Right now my travels have taken me to a school that deals with High-Risk Students. They take the tough kids, the ones that have no future where they are at. This school gives them help.

I think my favourite student at this point... Is Faith... She's a girl that grew up in an orphanage, and was adopted into an American home about 3 yrs ago. She has lost contact with her siblings, and she harbours alot of anger inside. She knows she has alot of anger. But I don't think she realizes quite the problem it presents. I don't believe I fathom quite the problem it is, and whats trully going on inside of her. But here is the blessing I have recieved from Faith. She believes in God. She wants to do His will and can quote the bible a million times better  then I can... (probably due to her many punishment assignments :P but still...) I've had a couple good conversations with her and I've read her "diary" the notebook where she keeps her thoughts (that staff are suppose to read to see how she's doing) Yes, most of her "faith" may be glorified so we think she's doing ok... I get that. But when I look at her, I see a victim of this world's tragedies... I see the young woman I could be right now if I hadn't had the home I grew up in and made the choice to follow Christ a long time ago. But through it all... She's living up to her name. Faith. I think I made a different point then my original intended message... but somehow it got lost and maybe this is what God wants me to say instead...

But please pray for Faith. Pray that she is able to let go of her anger and that she lets God lead her where she needs to be. Pray for me, that I may be able to reach Faith in a way that maybe no one else can. Pray for the staff here, that they may be able to have the patience and the strength to deal with Faith and the rest of these kids every day, and that they may be a blessing to and recieve a blessing from each of the students. And last but certainly not least... Pray for yourself, that you may be able to have the faith that a High-Risk student called Faith has.

Isn't Perspective a crazy thing??? So here's how my summer is going...

Life at Camp..
Week 1 - Staff Orientation...
Last Year - More Group activities,
Felt more connected
I felt more spiritually ready
This Year - Everyone else feels more Spiritually ready
Everyone already knows each other relatively well
Felt Cliquish

Week 2 - Blind Camp...
Last Year - Crazy Cabin
Scared of them
By end of week felt great and sad for the end
This Year - Got Sick
Annoyed with them
Annoyed with Staff
Felt drained and counting down to end of campmeeting
Made me cry over 3 times
Everyone said staff was incredibly mature and spiritual

Week 3 - Junior Camp...
Last Year - Got Sick
Made me cry 1 time
Felt ready for the end
Miss them incredibly
Annoyed with Staff
Felt like I made a difference
This Year - Annoyed with Staff cliques
Annoyed with Staff organization
Feel like the week was a waste of everyone's time
I feel incredibly drained
Everyone could feel spiritual

Week 4 - Teen Camp... (so far)
Last Year - Crazy Girls
I felt Spiritual
I felt like I made a difference
This Year - I feel lost
I feel like A terrible councillor
I feel Drained
Why am I even here this year???

So now you know the facts... but what does it all mean??? Why is everyone thinking this year is so incredible while I'm struggling and feeling like this is such a waste of my time, and my campers time??? Is it all me??? Are the rest of the staff forgetting that I'm here and so while they help each other I'm left without any help??? Do I just have more draining cabins??? Or is it just that my attitude doesn't let me see how easy I have it...

Is it simply that for some things really are more spiritual then for others???
Or do I just not see it...???

One possible difference...
Last Year - I was focused on missions...
This Year - I've lost focus...
I didn't think it made that much of a difference, but I know it makes a difference bigger than we think.