So this is what happens when I can't sleep and even Emmet Cahill isn't singing me to sleep... Kimmy thinks enough to remember, hey, I've got a blog to waste my time on ;)

So it's been bothering me for awhile, and perhaps I already blogged about it. But I feel useless... like, I've got a job, I go to school, I've got friends to talk to, friends that talk to me.... But honestly, none of them really need me... ok, yeah there's a couple that have no one else to talk to... but seriously, what am I doing for them??? Nothing, everyone in my "circle" feels left out, there's really no one thats been left in, and I suppose I could put more effort into bringing them all together, but whats the point??? I've given up caring just enough to let them all have their own lives and if they want me around they can ask... But when we do get together... what's it like??? talk about movies, talk about school, talk about each others relationships, flings and break ups... There's gotta be more to life than that. I feel like life has become nothing more than media and bringing people together. What happened to philosophy??? What happened to the depth of life??? I feel like I lack purpose, I feel shallow in every aspect of my life.

I hope there aren't too many people that are in my position... and yet, I hope there are. Because I think the world could be a better place if we talked about what we believed in. Values, Morals, Biblical thoughts and encouragements. And hey, I'm guilty, I don't know what to talk about anymore. And when I run out of things, I can pretty much guarantee some good conversation over the latest Hobbit Movie, or Episode of the Big Bang Theory... but why can't we be able to guarantee depth of conversation with those around us???

So here's one of my many adventures at work. I could totally do a whole blog on work alone, good times I tell ya...
I Just had the best phone call at work today... I picked up the phone and a kid answered... well he didn't know why he called us so he gave the phone to mom.. who was in the shower and didn't know they were ordering anything... so the kid went to the garage to find dad who was going to order something.... well "we just got to the garage yeehaw!!! Oh dads not here, maybe hes downstairs, or no the cars gone he must have left to pick up the pizza. My dad should be there soon." Haha I don't think the next customer waiting to pick up his pizza saw the humor... but that could have been the dad... so maybe he will find the story funy when he gets home... gotta love kids.. I'm still Dieing!!! LOL!!!

Anyone else have 1 of those friends that you can talk to about anything??? They can tell you your being ridiculous. Apologize for what they're going to say cause they know you won't like it, but they know they need to say it anyways??? One of those friends you can go without talking to for months, but as soon as you or they say hi it's like you never stopped talking??? One of those friends thats less like a friend, but more like family... Thats broken every rule you've ever known when it comes to friendships??? When everyone else was fake, they were real. When everyone else left, they stayed??? When the friendships you've had before seemed temporary and shallow, and then all of a sudden one becomes family, one thats going to be there, and going to be real.

Guys, think about the friends you've had over the years... How many were fake??? How many Temporary??? How many though fake or temporary left lasting impressions on you that you're going to live with happy thoughts for the rest of your life??? I want to give you all a challenge... Go message someone right now. Talk to an old friend that you simply haven't talked to for awhile. Who knows, you might just have an awkward conversation about how life is, or maybe a good conversation that leaves you wanting a few more... or maybe, it could be the beginning of a new kind of friendship, Family...

Ok. I didn't say this before. But I'm going to now... so, friday was a fantastic day!!!

Now... I'm not a morning person, but I decided my final @7:45am was a better idea then having 2 finals next tuesday when I know one of them is going to take all morning... well that meant I had to get an assignment done before then, study, and I had another assignment due by noon the next day... The choices... stay up late and get it all done, do the test @7:45 and go to bed when I was done... or, stay up late, have a few hours of sleep wake up for my test @7:45 and do the assignment after and before 12... well I aimed for choice #1... stay up all night... well unfortunately I'm not so great at such a thing. so I went to bed 3am to get up for my test by 7:45am... only got half the stuff studied, got up in the morning... and hated life. It was one of those mornings you just want to be left alone and no one gets hurt... well I have a roommate that likes mornings, and she likes hugs and knowing how you are. Love her I do... but that early in the morning... not my favourite person to be around...

Got ready in about 10 minutes, ran out the door got to the room with my test, I was a couple minutes early so I looked over my notes, and went to do my test. Well I was the only one doing it so the supervisor decided we'd head up to a different building and a different room where the temperature was above freezing. So there we trudged talking and laughing all the way there. This teacher was in a band with me so we had alot to talk about with our up coming concert.

We got to the new room where I discovered I was now doing my test with a friend doing his test. I finished the exam with lots of time to spare. Realized I had forgotten to bring the assignment with me for the class so I told the teacher I'd bring it over ASAP.

Got outside heading home to print and bring back the assignment. walked outside and now that I was awake and at peace with having just finished my final. I looked around at the trees and sky... sun was just up over the horizon, hoar frost was beautifully set upon the trees. The day was absolutely beautiful.

I got back to my apartment, emailed myself the assignment, put it on a flash drive and decided since he was going to be there for awhile I decided to make myself breakfast and went to hand in the assignment.

Worked on my other assignment for a bit, played pool with a friend, went back and finished the assignment. I got to have lunch with a great group of my girl friends. then I had band practice. We sounded fantastic and the concert was the next evening.

Things were great. :) And I praise God things went so well. the rest of the week hadn't been so great. But Friday was just exceptional.

So continues my obsession of the evening... I was looking up animal totems one day with my roommate a few years ago. My favourite animal being the Mountain Lion I decided I wanted to look it up. Well here's a picture I edited with what it's strengths are. I understand now why I love them so much. 

Have a goodnight everyone :)

Ok. nothing deep or tragic or plain boring today... Here's a picture I just really wanted to share ;)

Thanks to the Websites that I got these from. I don't remember who you are, but if you look up Puma you can find some fantastic pictures. Including these ones ;)

Ever have one of those days where you wake up and wonder... What am I doing with my life??? Like, here's my life these days... (ok, I suppose if you've been keeping up with my blogs you'll know... so I'll keep it short.) I go to classes, (though they are now done!!! :) just have finals then I get to go home for Christmas) I eat, I sleep, I see a few friends here and there, I watch TV, I watch movies, I work, I spend money on school, on my jeep, on food. But in all that... what good am I doing with my life??? If Christ came here today... what would I tell him... Hey, sorry I missed ya I didn't get out of bed till 12... yeah thats about what I'd have to tell him... I keep coming up with great plans for what I could do to make things more productive in my life. More purposeful in my life, but something always comes up. I always forget, or I always loose focus. Well here I sit late one night (early one morning if you want to be technical) finishing up an assignment (well currently being distracted ;) ) Thinking about how I have completely wasted my semester. Guys, I need your prayers. Cause I have no reason to be... But I'm struggling, and I've gotten comfortable with it... 

How many of us get stuck in the past??? Well I can say I'm probably one of the worst when it comes to moving on with my life. I look at where I am now... and all I can remember is who I used to be. and at this moment... who I am sucks... I'm lazy, unmotivated, holding grudges, upset at the world, can't go for a walk without getting into mental arguments with everyone, not interested in anything productive. if you've read some of my other blogs... You'll notice there's some things I really enjoy. Being outside, having fun, being with friends. Those are things I love to do. But these days... I'd almost rather sit on my couch feeling sorry for myself. I have classes evenings or work evenings... so by the time everyone else is free I'm busy... but does that mean I couldn't try to make time??? I have nothing to do in the mornings, so does that mean I can't work on my hobbies or go for a walk??? instead... my life, is more of a stay up all night watching movies and sleep in all day, do my homework the night before it's due just before I finish off the night with another episode of Star Trek...
The thing is. I know what I need to do. I've got a list of goals for each week that I want to do. It's a simple list. started out as 3 push ups, 2 sit ups, 1 devotion, and 1 email to a family member. I know to some of you. that may sound ridiculous. but think about it. whats 1 thing you want to do. something that you know will help you grow mentally, physically, spiritually??? the problem with many goals, we start so big. for ex. most people would say, in 1 week I want to do 20 pushups. great plan. much more likely to do you good than 3 push ups right??? Well for me. I really want to exercise more. it's something I feel is important and will help me grow. however, if I have to look at the week and do say 5 push ups a day every day... it's not going to happen. as much as I wish I had the discipline... I don't. so when I fail to do 20 pushups a week... well then I'm going to get discouraged and soon I'll be doing no push ups... so if I start with 3... well I can do 1 a day if I want. or do all in 1 day if I feel motivated... when I've gotten to the point where I'm succeeding in my goal, maybe I can add a couple. in my case, I doubled my pushups... 6 a week... Unfortunately... I was feeling pretty good... then I doubled the pushups and... well... I slacked off and forgot about it... and maybe thats part of the reason I'm beating myself up about things... again, I started goals, and they were going so well... but lately I've been getting lots of words and messages that are telling me to start reading my bible... well devotions was on my list remember... well I haven't done that one once... I know better, but I'm so busy feeling sorry for myself and what I've become, what used to be. and I think it's become my addiction. you know how some get addicted to drugs... well my addiction is self pity and laziness... however, it's one of those things I need to just smarten up and do. I know that. but I don't feel like it. Trouble with the world today... we live on feelings... God gave us brains for a reason... and yet we won't use it...
Anyways, for those of you also struggling with an addiction, or with a choice that you know the right answer to... Good luck. Pray for me peeeps... I need it... mostly I think I need a wake up call... but I also think God knows I'm waiting for it and knows it's not necessary...

So, I guess I don't really know what I'm about to start posting, but here goes...

I guess I want to start by saying my life is becoming a mess. A bitter mess that I no longer control. Can I control it??? yeah probably. Do I want to??? Yes and no. Truth of the matter is, it's become an addiction. To have a truly messed up life. I don't remember what I've said in previous posts, but since my last "boyfriend" and I parted ways, I've been... well to put it plainly... screwed up. here's a couple of my biggest fears in life...
1. Spiders
2. Being wrong
3. Being so incredibly stubborn that no one can ever get close because I won't let them.
4. Being replaced
Maybe someone out there can relate to even 1 of these fears... Some of you may think I'm ridiculous for having Spiders on that list. but I tell you they are out for my blood I tell you. but k, I guess your wondering what my biggest fears have to do with being screwed up eh??? well here's the thing... When we split. I was the one that ended it. After it ended, I hated myself for it for a long time. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me. Why did I let him go??? Well now I can look back and say, yes, he was definitely part of the best thing that ever happened to me. And I truly believe God put him in my life. I think God knew I was so stubborn that I needed some serious drama to get my brain thinking and dealing with issues that needed to be dealt with. Did God want me to go through something that would screw me up??? No. He knew I needed help and He gave it to me. the problem was that I dealt with everything wrong. I let myself get more attached then I should have. I let fear get in the way of fully dealing with it, and the devil came in and messed up something meant for good, and pushed it to add some evil. ok...
fear 3.... me being stubborn... well, I've generally been a difficult case to crack. I trust well, but if you want to get past the initial layer of trust into me letting go and being with someone... it takes alot... thats where we ended. he was getting through, and it freaked me out. and I let him go.. Do I regret letting him go??? No, well ok, in all honesty, a little bit. I know it's a good thing we're done, but that doesn't mean I don't regret it just a bit. But mostly, I regret the way it all happened, I let him go because I freaked, not because I knew things wouldn't work.
Probably my biggest fear, is number 4. Now when I say 4... truth of the matter is... it is my biggest fear. Being replaced. Now I know they say "you are irreplaceable" and "there will never be anyone like you" but when you've moved so many times and seen your best friends get new best friends and continue on with their life... it's hard to feel like your truly irreplaceable. I know, I know, I'm one of a kind, and to many people I'm special. But how many can truly say they will never love someone as much as they do me. And yes, I'm aware of the fact that it makes me super selfish to want to be loved like no one else. Now here's the thing, if you've got a best friend... I don't want to be your best friend. I want to be one of your good friends. But I want a special place in your life. Now, here's where the screwed up part of everything comes into play... when I terminated our relationship... it was December.. I felt like a jerk, I felt torn apart, and I was wounded. I tried to forgive myself, but it was super difficult. but by August, He'd found himself a beautiful blonde. Everything I heard about her reminded me of myself. Loved by everyone, loves similar things I love. if anyone could fill my shoes... she had done it. In every way imaginable... Another girl came to the school, and now I wasn't there because I was in a different country for the year. and this other girl was also very much like me. those I was closest to, became her good friends. If anyone could replace me... she would do it.
Now I know, this probably sounds like a whiner rambling on about how much her life sucks... well you know. it does. But who's fault is that??? my ex??? my friends??? the ex's gf??? the new girl in town??? No... alas I have no one to blame but myself. my world is spinning out of my control. But all I have to do is smarten up.
Here's my life as of now... do my hw??? yeah, on time I guess. spare time??? Star Trek. relationship status??? leading the boys on, desperate to be loved and come out as anything but the loser from my last relationship. friendship status??? I've found a best friend. One that needs me, One that I need. Someone that won't replace me so easy, and one that things I'm ridiculous. Spiritual Status??? well how many times did you hear me talking about relying on my faith??? on my God??? yeah, once, and that was when I was talking about the past. truth of the matter is... I know He can figure out how to smarten me up. but I also know He's not going to just respond to my whims, and let me keep sliding through life uneccessarily... My life in relative terms, is not so bad. But it could me much better, if I smartened up and let go of my addiction to being miserable. if I let go of the pity parties and woe is me's...

It's funny how one person can say something and completely change your mood... It's worse when it's something you know they are excited about and it's something you dread more then anything at that moment.

Here's the situation. Won't go in great detail, but then again... who knows what I'm about to write... I was having an off day, well lets be honest... it's been a rough couple of weeks, today just wasn't getting any better. I had to run all over campus trying to track down important papers that were suppose to be delivered. Apparently our mail system isn't up and running just yet so no one really knows where the box of mail ended up. Oh joy. I've got homework to do, a field trip to pack for, I have no job, no money, and I'm stressed about a test that there's no way I'm going to pass. Though good news... if I don't pass the test, I don't have a field trip to pack for. Though that also means I don't pass the class, and I don't get to graduate. so I made it through the morning. Went to my class, went from driving someone to supper, to not driving them to supper, to oh yeah, I'm driving them to supper. Had people cancel for supper, and you know, none of this would bother me... but hey, it all came piling on one day. (ok... calm myself down as I just let it vent...) I've realized nothing is the same anymore, all my close friends are either gone, or our paths never cross, it's almost harder being back with them then it was being away. Well I guess here's where my day made a turn for the worse... My ex is now planning to be on my field trip. there's 4 of us in the class, he's the teachers assistant and so he's coming along so the teacher has a canoe buddy. wouldn't be a problem, I'm over him and I thought I could even spend time with him. But everyone's been so annoyed with him lately that I think it's rubbed off on me, and... it's now 4 boys - 2 sets of best friends. and me. as the only girl, and the only non-best friend. I'm just starting to feel like I'd be completely ok with not going on the trip that I've been looking forward to for 2 yrs...

Have I prayed about it???
not nearly as much as I should have been. I'm also starting to feel like a failed Christian. I feel like I should be able to just accept that the world is changing. Accept that friends come and go. And just roll with the punches. Maybe if I started praying more everything would come together. maybe if I read the bible I'd find the answers. But I'm struggling. And I'm trying to reach out to God. But I feel so miserable that I don't know how He can pull me out. But I know He can. So I'm going to try to keep going. Please pray for me.
Sorry this doesn't come to a happy ending tonight... I'm still trying to find mine...

Hey guys... I just have to share how God is working in those around me today...

So I mentioned yesterday that I'm at a School for High-Risk kids... well... they have a punishment called Social that basically, you do something stupid... you get put on social, you can't talk to the other kids and your kind of in isolation even though you might be around everyone... Anyways... 2 of our older girls have been on it... 1 because she ran away, the other because she was suspected of trashing the principals desk and hiding a machete to use to kill her later... Pretty intense stuff eh??? Anyways. we had a House Council. Basically all the girls came together, sat in a circle, and we talked about issues...

The girl who ran away, has been here 2 yrs already and they haven't been able to get her working on her problems... Today she started opening up... Definitely greatly prodded by the staff, but she got talking. She's been Sexually Abused in her past. She feels it's her fault, She's scared her mom won't believe her. and Right now she's obviously filled with Fear and Shame. But she's started talking :) Step 1 in motion. Praise God.

Girl 2... This is where the excitement truly came in. Evidence was piled all around this dear girl... But she wouldn't confess, and she started getting very Defensive and angry. We started talking, she started getting upset. We changed direction. She talked about the abuse she's experienced. Grew up in Ethiopia, Father Beat her, Stomped on her head, Mom choked her, Tried to suffocate her with spices and blankets, but never to the point of death. She eventually told her mother what she would like to do to her mother... Mother got scared enough to send her and the siblings to an orphanage... There she continued to be abused, physically and sexually. Eventually she was adopted by a family in the USA. But by that time no one knew what to do with this violent, girl that would imagine all sorts of horrible ways to kill people. So the story brings her to this school. The principal reminds her of a mother figure, the one she desperately wants, but because of her past experience with her mother she can only look at her with resent and anger. At some point in the evening we broke for supper, and then returned to eat, and continue trying to get her to confess. She became so defensive and angry that she started getting in peoples faces and yelling... at this point the little girls were becoming scared and so staff held them close. She eventually escalated so much that she exploded. The staff remained calm, the young girls cried softly, and finally after minutes of yelling at everyone and threats, she broke down at some point with "I just want my mommy" to which the principal ran in and held her tight. Finally... we could leave and go to week of prayer. After the WOP meeting... we gathered around and she wanted to apologize for her behaviour... Let me tell you. This is an amazing Girl. She has an incredible strength that I hope she will use with God's help to begin her healing process, and to grow closer to Him. She wants to follow Christ, But she needs alot of prayer, and alot of healing. All week I've been talking with her as she shares verse after verse that she knows, that she treasures, and that she desires to live out.

These Kids have amazing backgrounds. Some perhaps more traumatic then others. But all have the same desire. To know love, to be healed. They just need desperate Help and a whole lot of prayer.
Please keep these kids and so many like them in your prayers.

Ok... So I guess tonight I'm in another thought filled, (don't feel like putting the computer down to sleep...) moods... More I think I just had a friend try to find this blog... (I haven't really told anyone I  know about it... till tonight... I haven't even told her the link ;) ) and so I looked through to see if there was a post I would be more sketchy about letting her see... Not cause I've really got anything to hide... but what if I forgot that one thing... about that one time... that I don't want her, or my friends seeing whats truly behind the face they see each day kind of posts... wow... I could totally do another post on that... hmm... maybe someday I will...  but back to my point...

I ran across my first blog... and in it I said I would share some dreams, that can't be completed on my own... Well here's what I want to tell you... Right now (in my last blog) I told you about that school I'm at right now... I'm visiting cause thats what I want to do with my life. Well before the summer began, I had come up with a dream, a dream to start my own school in my area. Well... for anyone that is a huge task... for someone that lacks motivation in doing anything, that is lazy and not the take charge kind of person... it's ridiculous to even dream such a thing... but I tell you what... I went to work at camp. and I had 1 friend draw me up a suggested floor plan, suggest materials to make it cheaper, offer to come head the building project and honestly... if nothing else... encourage me and help me realize... I've got a good network, I won't be on my own. I came here... I've seen how it's going, how it started... I've realized... yeah it's going to take work, obviously... but I really think it's possible... I've faced the students... and broke down in prayer so many times this summer... just to say, "Lord, if it's just me today, I'm not going to make it. Thank you for giving me the strength to face today." I've said as I look to the future. "Lord, This is going to be an incredibly challenging work I have set ahead, come with me, because I can't do it alone." and I feel completely at peace knowing, that He's right there beside me. Giving me the friends I need, the networks that I need, and He'll continue to take care of everything, from staff, to finance, to the legalities and beyond...

Moral of my tale??? Never be afraid to dream big... I've seen 1 person change the life of many because she had the dream to raise money to build schools... You've heard stories maybe even seen it first hand someone that had a dream to build churches or schools and you've seen how many lives they've changed... If your dream isn't impossible... It's not big enough. If you want to make a difference to someone... Figure out what you really want to help them with, and do it. I wanted to give people hope that there is something better. that there is someone to help, someone to be with them through everything. I've figured out that the best way I can help them... is to teach them. Whats your goal??? Is it something you will need to lean on Christ every moment to complete??? If not... start dreaming bigger. Because half the blessing is knowing Christ brought you through. I know I haven't been through much, but I've been through enough to know that when God is my strength... there's no better blessing.

Lord, thank you for bringing me through so many trials this summer to help me realize what an incredible blessing it is to know that it was by your strength alone that I can keep moving forward.

So... I haven't written for awhile. I've been all over the place this summer, and online blogging was not one of them :P

Right now my travels have taken me to a school that deals with High-Risk Students. They take the tough kids, the ones that have no future where they are at. This school gives them help.

I think my favourite student at this point... Is Faith... She's a girl that grew up in an orphanage, and was adopted into an American home about 3 yrs ago. She has lost contact with her siblings, and she harbours alot of anger inside. She knows she has alot of anger. But I don't think she realizes quite the problem it presents. I don't believe I fathom quite the problem it is, and whats trully going on inside of her. But here is the blessing I have recieved from Faith. She believes in God. She wants to do His will and can quote the bible a million times better  then I can... (probably due to her many punishment assignments :P but still...) I've had a couple good conversations with her and I've read her "diary" the notebook where she keeps her thoughts (that staff are suppose to read to see how she's doing) Yes, most of her "faith" may be glorified so we think she's doing ok... I get that. But when I look at her, I see a victim of this world's tragedies... I see the young woman I could be right now if I hadn't had the home I grew up in and made the choice to follow Christ a long time ago. But through it all... She's living up to her name. Faith. I think I made a different point then my original intended message... but somehow it got lost and maybe this is what God wants me to say instead...

But please pray for Faith. Pray that she is able to let go of her anger and that she lets God lead her where she needs to be. Pray for me, that I may be able to reach Faith in a way that maybe no one else can. Pray for the staff here, that they may be able to have the patience and the strength to deal with Faith and the rest of these kids every day, and that they may be a blessing to and recieve a blessing from each of the students. And last but certainly not least... Pray for yourself, that you may be able to have the faith that a High-Risk student called Faith has.

Isn't Perspective a crazy thing??? So here's how my summer is going...

Life at Camp..
Week 1 - Staff Orientation...
Last Year - More Group activities,
Felt more connected
I felt more spiritually ready
This Year - Everyone else feels more Spiritually ready
Everyone already knows each other relatively well
Felt Cliquish

Week 2 - Blind Camp...
Last Year - Crazy Cabin
Scared of them
By end of week felt great and sad for the end
This Year - Got Sick
Annoyed with them
Annoyed with Staff
Felt drained and counting down to end of campmeeting
Made me cry over 3 times
Everyone said staff was incredibly mature and spiritual

Week 3 - Junior Camp...
Last Year - Got Sick
Made me cry 1 time
Felt ready for the end
Miss them incredibly
Annoyed with Staff
Felt like I made a difference
This Year - Annoyed with Staff cliques
Annoyed with Staff organization
Feel like the week was a waste of everyone's time
I feel incredibly drained
Everyone could feel spiritual

Week 4 - Teen Camp... (so far)
Last Year - Crazy Girls
I felt Spiritual
I felt like I made a difference
This Year - I feel lost
I feel like A terrible councillor
I feel Drained
Why am I even here this year???

So now you know the facts... but what does it all mean??? Why is everyone thinking this year is so incredible while I'm struggling and feeling like this is such a waste of my time, and my campers time??? Is it all me??? Are the rest of the staff forgetting that I'm here and so while they help each other I'm left without any help??? Do I just have more draining cabins??? Or is it just that my attitude doesn't let me see how easy I have it...

Is it simply that for some things really are more spiritual then for others???
Or do I just not see it...???

One possible difference...
Last Year - I was focused on missions...
This Year - I've lost focus...
I didn't think it made that much of a difference, but I know it makes a difference bigger than we think.

So... it's me again. Obviously... :P
Just sitting here thinkin, you started a blog, well keep it up.
I think I'm kind of a failed Blogger right now. This is why I have a hard time keeping a Journal going. Cause I loose inspiration. I write (to quote some dear friends of mine) "as the spirit moves." well... I guess thats kinda the way I run my life to. I take one day at a time, I don't like to plan and I don't like to commit. In some ways I am blessed with such an easy going way of life. Some if you know me and are reading this may think... ok... that doesn't make sense, Your one of the most organized and structured people I know!!! ok... if your thinking that you obviously don't know me well... but you are in some ways correct. I do like structure, I like to know the goal and I like to move towards that goal. but if we're planning to get together, I don't like to commit to a time or date until the time and date comes much closer. Yes it can be a blessing, things stress me less because, well I didn't commit to it, because I knew something more important might come up that couldn't be put off. But, it's not the most go-getting way of life. I have a hard time putting myself out there, what if I say I'll do this, but it turns out I can't??? well if thats the case, tough, figure out your priorities. if you don't put yourself out there you'll never know.

Now do I have a point to this little Blog???
Well... I most certainly did not start out with one... But let me make a point...

Don't take life so seriously. Learn to play things by ear. you might end up somewhere new and exciting.

Man up. Take Chances. Commit to things. I know it's hard to break them, but hey, if you don't commit to anything you'll never learn how. Committing, I've been told, isn't as hard as it sounds. I'll be honest. I haven't figured out how yet, but sometimes it feels good. To set things in stone, to take a chance and break out of the every day mundane non-committal side of life.

I know. Neither of those things seem to make sense together. They're almost 2 opposite sides of the spectrum... But you know why??? Because everything in life needs balance. No 2 people are alike. there are people at every position along the spectrum of life. Some that commit to everything, some that don't take anything seriously. I don't know who's reading this. But figure out where you are on that spectrum. Take comfort in knowing, there are people out there that strive to be like you. But don't be afraid to move towards that middle of the spectrum. Learn to fly by the seat of your pants, but learn to ground yourself in a few extra schedules. If you don't know where you sit on the spectrum, or you think you know, feel free to ask friends. Sometimes we think we're committal, but other's see differently. Other's see the Eagle trapped in his nest, or the Dove searching for home.

Have Fun, Relax, and Be Responsible.

Here's another one for the ladies... Men, one of these days I'll try to send a message just for you, feel free to read this one. When it says Ladies, it's because I worry more about my girls, but boys aren't any better off sometimes...

I was just watching the Perfect Man this afternoon. If you haven't seen it, I'd say it was a pretty good movie, if you have seen it or have heard of it... don't judge me for my movie taste ;)

Brief rundown, Mom has problems, her solution is to run away. This family, Single mom with 2 daughters, has been to many different towns, reason??? Mom is desperate, finds a jerk, dates a jerk, when things don't work out because she does still have morals and self respect, they move. Holly, (the eldest child @ about 17), gets tired of moving so much she finally does something. She creates for her mother "The Perfect Man" and bases him off the uncle of her new friend who is a genius when it comes to women. I'm sure you can figure out by now, things eventually blow up, mom gets upset, yadda yadda yadda, typical movie plot.

Now here's my point to all this. When Holly tells her mom what happened she has a speech I wish all girls could hear, and understand. 

Holly Hamilton: You never listen to anything I want. 
Jean Hamilton: All right, fine. What do you want? 
Holly Hamilton: I want a mom who sees in herself what Zoe and I see everyday. That's talented and pretty and funny, and cooks great and dances great, and doesn't need a man to be those things. Okay, so maybe the perfect man wasn't real. But the perfect you is. 

Ladies, I don't care what your worried about. Whether age like Single Mother of 2 Jean, or whether your insecure about your body, your personality, whether your simply afraid of not being accepted or never being loved. Don't settle. This doesn't mean wait for Prince Charming to come riding up on a White Horse, honey... The Perfect Man, does not truly exist. But that being said, There is a perfect man for every perfect woman. If you want to find your perfect man, your going to have to be sure you know the perfect woman first. Perfect doesn't mean flawless. Perfect isn't a mold created in heaven that got battered as you fell to the earth. Perfect means smiles, laughter, love, personality, interests, likes, flaws, it means being you and not caring what the world thinks. When you find the real you. Thats when you can feel confident in finding a real Man. Because once you can truly respect you, and be willing to wait for whatever God's got planned, thats when you can find a man to truly respect you, and be willing to go where God plans.

On the flip side...
Don't keep people out, Some of us don't know how to open up and let anyone get close, I don't know if it's because we haven't figured out how to let go of the unrealistic Perfect Man, or if it's because we lack confidence in our ability to find our perfect man. Take a chance once in a while. Don't be afraid to open up and let people get close. If things get serious and you get scared, take it from me. Let him know. Tell him your starting to get scared and you need him to help you through the fear. If things get serious but you realize he's not the man for you, tell him. If you can't figure out which is the problem, talk to your friends, let them know your freaking out and you don't know why. If they like him and you completely respect their opinion, consider it fear and continue on. Don't back out just because your afraid. 

Hey guys.

So I'm in one of those moods... where I just want to sit back, observe the world, think about my heart, and think about life. I really don't know what to think about. But I guess as a Single Female one of the top thoughts on my mind this evening is... Will I ever find someone that makes me truly happy???

A couple of years ago I wrote this...

Can't get Him off my mind.
He's all I think about...Every song I hear reminds me of Him...
He saved my life and I can never repay him...
I'm in love and I don't know what to do....
♥ Jesus you are my Prince Charming ♥

I was truly in love, and I was happy. Completely.
Well I'm here to tell you... I've failed. I've fallen short. I've started singing 3 songs... The 1 to the guy I lost... the 1 to the guy I'll someday have... and the 1 to the God that I love... and in that order. why do we do this so often??? we make leaps and bounds forward... and then we leap and bound back just because something happened that we didn't like. we get so wrapped up in life that when something happens to disturb the peace, we push everything aside and cling to what is the worst thing to cling to...

I long for the day when I can fall truly and completely in love with my Saviour once again... He's everything, but right now Nothing has come between us, and I need to remember how to shove Nothing aside and cling once more to my Everything...

And I'll Cherish the Old Rugged Cross... 

Till my Trophies at last I lay down... 

I will Cling, to the old rugged cross... 

And exchange it someday for a crown. 

Hey guys, this morning's blog, though it may sounds a bit strange, was inspired by a dream I had... Yes I do realize that just because it's a dream does not make it reality. But I also realize that things like this happen every day, the attitude is the same and I feel I need to say something about it.

Rape and Abuse are serious things my friend. I've had a friend tell me she was being raped by her fiance, but she didn't know if it really was rape or not. Surprise guys... It is. I see girls get themselves into relationships where I know without a doubt they are either now being Abused, or they will be when he thinks he can afford to let down his guard. My grandparents foster, and they had a girl that had been gang raped @ 14, she doesn't know which of the gang is the father of her little girl. And in my dream I discovered someone was being either raped or abused as well as stolen from because she didn't know what to do about it.

In my dream a dear friend of mine was staying with a family during the summer. The man of the house raped or abused her (she was just about to confirm which accusation when I woke up). He stole her money under the pretext that he needed it and she was fine with it. When I talked to this girl she finally admitted something had happened, but with a it's not a big deal attitude. She had talked to a friend that told her just don't make a big deal of it. Just let it slide.

Anyone reading this please take this seriously. Rape and Abuse happen every day, everywhere and to many people. It is able to continue because the abused feels bad for the abuser, people get emotionally involved, think they can help the abuser themselves, don't want to be looked at differently, or are under the illusion that it's not a big deal. Some people reading this... maybe you've been abused, hit a time or 2, been merely mentally abused... you might be thinking to yourself as you read this... If it happens that often then me being hit a couple times really isn't that big a deal... IT IS A BIG DEAL!!!

It's a memory your never going to forget. It's something you will have to live with. But it's not something you have to live around. Tell someone. You've got people that care about you. Maybe you've shunned the world because you love the abuser so very much and they became #1... now they're the only one around... Look back, there's enough people you shunned who probably finally sat back because they knew the only way you'd listen was for you to figure it out yourself. Move away. You might never forget what they've done, but that doesn't mean you need to be around it anymore. Maybe you've been abused/raped by someone you don't know... someone you saw on the street, TELL SOMEONE!!! if you don't say something there's going to be someone running around on the street waiting for another victim. If you don't know what they looked like, what they smelt like... At least you can warn them, where it took place. Get the warning out so they can try to figure out for the next time... Anything can help.

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU IT'S NO BIG DEAL!!! If you tell someone and they say "yeah, that happens all the time it's no big deal." "I think you're dreaming, that person wouldn't do that." "You're being dramatic." GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE!!! Worst case scenario... go talk to a councillor. they are obligated to say something (ok I don't know the degree of their obligation), either they can help you work through the experience so that you don't have to deal with the pain being every part of every day. Yes it will still be there, but it doesn't have to tear you apart. Don't let yourself continue to be around.

Please don't think it's not a big deal, Please don't let other's convince you that it's not a big deal. If you don't have it in you to tell someone, at least get yourself away from the situation. You may have the memories, but you don't have to let it tear you apart. Get the help you need, Don't in any way think it is your fault.

This morning we sat down to talk over how the year went... We had a group of challenging seniors, a group of students Freshman - Seniors that in the last week or 2 of classes finally realized they were about to fail if they didn't smarten up... and alot of negativity as well as substance abuse this year... But during our worship we were asked to state something about the year where we saw the Mission Statement come into practice. The main points... "Discover - the creator. Develop - God given gifts. Serve." Discover Develop and Serve... with all the negativity throughout the year, we can say that it has been a year where we have definitely seen all 3 points emphasized in all the students in one way or another.

Many people struggle in life. They can bring negativity to a room with nothing more than their presence... But people learn, we've seen full 180's in attitude, incredible servitude, amazing talent, incredible things... Maybe the trick is to stop looking at the negativity. Encourage those who are negative, pray for them, guide them towards things they can be positive about, when you start to become infected with the negativity... look for positive things. Make a conscious decision to be positive. It happens, I've experienced it... I had a year of darkness and negativity... One day I sat back and asked God to help me be happy, because I couldn't figure out how to be happy. He helped me. He can help you 2.

Be Positive my friends. :)

Hey, it's me again. 
You ever had one of those weekends that was like... Oh My Goodness I'm so glad I don't have to deal with all that junk anymore... I did.

I'm a dean, and while we were cleaning the deans were talking... Why is it that girls always feel such a need to be loved by the first boy that comes along???
So often my dorm girls fall for someone who... honestly... I know they can do so much better, but... he smiled at her and she was hooked... or the parents and everyone disapproves and they can't see the horrible relationship they've gotten stuck in... Sometimes I wish I could sit them down, smack 'em across the head and tell them to see him for what he is, not for his smile... But you can't. I've seen friends get into abusive relationships, both Physically and Mentally, I see girls in relationships that are abusive, or just plain going to stress them out because he's never going to be responsible, and he'll probably dump you for the next girl that comes along... Why do we need so desperately to be loved???

I've been reading about the 5 Love Languages, and I think it gives a pretty good reason... We all need to have a full "love tank" Cars run on Gas tanks... Humans live on Love tanks... However... no matter how much I try to use any of the 5 Love Languages to continue to fill their love tanks... it doesn't seem to work. They need more love than what I can give them. and so it leads me back to the question... Why do girls so desperately need a man in their lives that they settle... I don' tthink I'll ever know the answer to that... But while I'm sitting back thinking about it... I want to say...

Girls. don't settle for anything less than a man that will make you grow. Spiritually, Mentally, Responsibly... Make sure he treats you as a Princess that he wants to help run the world. I'm not saying He should be the servant and you should run the world. But He needs to encourage you to go where ever you want to go. Shoot for the Moon... Find someone that will stand beside you, someone you can stand beside. Someone that would do anything for you. Those guys exsist. They are just waiting for you to notice them... Or they're stuck in your friend zone and trying to find a way out. Don't settle for Good. Great is out there. Don't settle for a boy... Settle for a Man that will make every dream come true.

Boys... Be the man that Treats his girl like a princess. If your stuck in the friend zone... Talk to her. Give her some time to realize you don't want to be there anymore. things could get awkward for a time... but either they'll get better, or you'll get over it. Figure out her love language and fill her love tank. It's not that hard if you can figure it out. Don't be a boy that she has to settle for... be a Man that anyone would be proud to be with.

Everyone... There's more to life then looking for love. Find yourself. Find God. Find your direction. Wait for Love. It won't go anywhere... It's just waiting for you to figure out the rest of your life first. Have patience... 

Hey Guys... so Post #2 of the day... no I don't plan to make a million posts a day... in fact there'll probably be many days, probably months... where I post nothing... but I guess today seems to be a day that I've got alot of thoughts and I thought I'd share some... cause I'm not the only one that struggles...

So last summer there was alot going on in my life... well kind of my life... (I guess one thing you should understand, I have a hard time leaving people to their own business... I mean I don't want to tell them what to do, thats not my job and I need to let them make their own decisions... that doesn't mean I don't hate to see people make the wrong decision... it just means that rather then try to convince them they are wrong, I will sit back... pout about it, and pray with all my heart that things will work out and the only pain will be my own worry... Sometimes thats the way it is, sometimes not...) So continuing with my story... I had friends in relationships that I disagreed with, I had friends that I thought needed desperately to grow up, I had friends that I recently found out got dumped from a relationship that I hated from the beginning, she was raped and although I was glad to see it end, it pained me to see her in so much pain, and I was also dealing with a failed relationship and blaming myself, being confused, and dealing with Pandora's Box named Emotion... I've never been an emotional person and suddenly I had discovered I had them, it was new and I felt very lost...

During our Staff meeting I crumbled. I cried as I've done only a handful of times in my life, and I couldn't stop... I sat next to a friend that new most of what was going on, and I cried on her shoulder for at least an hour I'm sure with only a moment or 2 of peace in between bursts of waterfalls... Needless to say everyone around saw me cry uncontrollably and as none had ever seen me even shed a tear before... they had to ask my friend what was wrong... The truth of the matter is... the only thing wrong, was that I felt helpless, in a world of Heart Ache, Pain, Rape, Drugs, Alcohol, Death,, there was nothing I could do. And so I cried.

When the meeting was over and I was finally able to leave I bolted for the door as fast as I could... I went for a walk, and big surprise... I cried some more... when I finally calmed down enough that I was pretty sure every water droplet in my body was either being useful, or was already cried out I headed for the bathroom... met up with a few girls who gave me hugs, told me I was beautiful, that they hoped I was ok, and that a few of my other close friends were worried about me and wanted to see me before everyone hit the hay. I went to see them, when they saw me and ran up to me they wanted to know if I was ok. And within this conversation... I got some of the best words of wisdom I think I've ever recieved in my life... "Don't worry... It's ok to cry..." "No it's not, I don't cry, crying is for the weak..." "Crying isn't just for the weak... Jesus Wept to." "But he didn't cry that hard." "Jesus WEPT" "But not in public...???" "He Wept on a Mountain in front of a crowd..."

Let me tell you... that was a summer... a Year... of me crying, trying to figure out how to be more Vulcan and control my emotions... But whenever I feel the need to cry and start scolding myself for being so weak... the thought pops into my head... "Jesus Wept" and He's the strongest man I could ever hope to know.

So for those of you like me... Crying may make you feel weak. But it's not. It's a cleanser... It cleans you out so you have more room to fill your soul with Joy, with Jesus, and with Hope that someday, this will all be nothing more than a Dream. No matter what is going on in your life, be it something as simple as gossip, or as extreme as rape... There's nothing God doesn't have control of. We may not be Superman or Supergirl... But God is a billion times better than Superman. So if you want to be Supergirl and stay strong... maybe you just need to let yourself cry. Let your insides be cleaned out. Let God move in. And Let him through you at the Enemy with all his power and might.

So this is my First Blog. If you see this great. if not... even better :)


Story of my life??? Christian Girl born and raised. Moved lots, Loved by all, The obedient one. Mischievous but only when getting people into trouble... Not much of an exciting life like some. But hey, we've all got a story. Though I've had it easy, I've lost Friendships, Been through Heartbreak, have scars that someday will heal with enough prayer, and I've got dreams too big to fulfill through myself alone.. It is my dream that perhaps this blog may encourage someone, help someone else heal their scars, and encourage all who read that, though dreams may be huge, if you want it bad enough... even an unmotivated, lazy softy can become strong enough to succeed...

God Bless :)